I would say either B or Cornish Chick. They are two of the worlds most wonderful women and I am so pleased they found their way onto my life. My first two give-and-take friendships too, a learning curve for all of us I believe.
3. Do you think a relationship should be 50/50 all the time?
No relationship can be 50/50 all of the time. Whether that is friends, family, play partners and lovers, needs fluctuate. Overall I think there should be a balance of give and take, or it stops being healthy, but as I have learnt with the two lovely ladies I mentioned above (and many more wonderful people) you can ask for love and support as well as give it.
4. When was your most recent act of kindness? Was it appreciated?
On saturday I was in a race (my first ever trail event). The water station was absent for some reason and I had gone prepared with a bottle of drink…just in case. There was a lady who was struggling so I let her have some of my drink. She was very grateful.
5. Are you a good friend? Why or why not?
I hope I am a good friend. I certainly try. Though this is very much an ongoing lesson for me as most of my adult life I wasn’t allowed to have friendships of my own choosing and the ones that were permitted were P’s friends first and foremost, so I was mainly isolated.
6. What is something that you tried really hard to like but just couldn’t?
PRAWNS!!!! These are very much a hard limit. The taste, the texture, the smell, the way they wriggle around in the bowl, they way they look. Definitely enjoy watching them in the sea and in rockpools, but as soon as they are for human consumption… This was particularly difficult when I was a manager of counters in a supermarket. The fish counter was my favourite one to cover, but whenever I had to serve prawns I’m sure I would turn a delightful shade of GREEN.
Bonus: How was your month of July? Did you do anything fun, interesting, new?
July has been a great month for trying new things. Starting the month with a broken cane and a sad goodbye I haven’t played this month. I was very excited to be asked to take part in an interview by Posy Churchgate for her weekly “share our shizzle.” The children and end of term stuff has kept me busy, which is no surprise. I was able to start taking my boys climbing, but as I went to look round the climbing place and the owner asked if I would be joining them I heard Ps words slip out of my mouth “I’m not strong enough for climbing…”. Instantly I stopped myself and finished the sentence “…so I’ll give it a go!” This alone shows how far I have come in my confidence, and after almost 18 months of counselling I have decided to call it a day. My counsellor told me that my enthusiasm for life is infectious. And then I have completed my first trail event, and as I went along alone I had the pleasure of meeting a number of new people over a cup of tea afterwards. Of course coffee and cake were required after that…so I headed for the nearest town and found a new coffee shop. There have been so many new things this month, from shoes to toys, through to new events and experiences.
This is something I love about my new life.
I have the determination to experience new things, the confidence to get out on my own and some wonderful friends to tell all about it afterwards.
I would like to be able to understand my son. He lives in his own magic world and sometimes I find things are lost in translation.
What is going right in my life?
A lot of things are going right at the moment. I’m getting the support I need for my son, not just from the school but healthcare professionals as well. The steps I am taking steps finding the right home for my little family seem to be in the right direction. I discovered today that I have passed my module and so I am one year closer to achieving my study aspirations.
What am I most grateful for? List 10 things.
An ability to learn.
My wonderful friends.
Sir and his ongoing tasks.
My desire to keep going…
The weather. Whatever it is I love it.
When did I experience joy this week?
When I collected my boys after their weekend away. Those hugs are always full of joy.
List a small victory/success?
I took my boys to a bouldering gym today. I had originally thought I would sit and watch them doing their thing in the kids club because I don’t have the strength to climb. Well, I decided that I would give it a go. The old me who had no confidence would have stopped there but…. Not the new me. And I surprised myself, hugely!
What is bothering me & why?
I am very lucky to have a wonderful group of close friends, and a fantastic set of friends who are less close but no less important. It is the people who sit on the edges and pretend to be friendly but are in fact unpleasant to be around. That is what bothers me. And they bother me because I can’t do anything about them. I don’t bitch or moan or gossip, but they do. I have always been a fan of the saying Keep your side of the street clean. It has got me through a lot of moments where I wanted to air my dirty laundry. But, grrrrrr…..it is so frustrating!
What are my priorities at the moment?
My number one priority is to keep my children safe and well. This includes finding a home which is right rather than a home which is just almost there. Continuing with my study and ongoing tasks rank right up there as well.
What do I love about my self?
I love the way that I am soft edges and yet firm in my approach. I am honest, caring and loving, but I don’t suffer fools gladly. Tenacity and a competitive spirit, which means I will keep going until I figure it out (whatever it is) to the best of my ability. I love that I am always learning, and this is such an important skill for me in all areas of my life. Also my eyes. I love my eyes.
Who means the world to me & why?
My children, because there is no-one else who would be able to drive me to distraction and yet give me a squidgy cuddle and the whole troubling situation is set to rights! I love them unconditionally.
I have 7 people in my most close group. They are who I call my 3am friends. Have you ever had one of those nights where the darkness is all-consuming? Since having these friends I have never needed to make that call, but I know they are there, as I am for them. This isn’t the only reason I love each and every one of them, but they know I adore them.
Sir… Sir has given me so much. For such a long time he was the candle that illuminated my world, even when he wasn’t in contact. Now he has given me the candle and I can light my own world while he is unable to do that for me. I look forward to the time I can hand it back to him. Not because I am unable to hold it for myself, but because I love the way that I can brighten his world better with both hands free.
If I could share one message with the world, what would it be?
Honesty is the best policy.
What advice would I give to my younger self?
Trust your intuition.
What lesson did I learn this week?.
If you don’t try you won’t know if you can. If you do try you may surprise yourself!
If I had all the time in the world, what would I do first?
Go for a swim in the sea.
Whats draining my energy?
Running over 20 miles a week and not fuelling up properly.
What does my ideal morning look like?
Ahhh, the boys would get ready to go when they are asked. And I would not have to stand on my doorstep waiting for them rather than losing my temper.
What does my ideal day look like?
Fresh air, open spaces and smiling children (just mine, my ideal day does not include looking after other people’s children!) It is likely there would be a picnic too, one that the boys helped me to make. Then two tired boys in bed on time so I can relax with some smut.
What makes me come alive?
Swimming in the cold sea, or spending time in wide open spaces.
What/who inspires me the most?
My children, Sir and the woman I used-to-be all inspire me to be the best I can be.
What is something I’ve always wanted but too scared to get?
The fear of not being good enough has stopped me from training for and entering a marathon and triathlon. I have a plan for the marathon, and this is tied up with a task. And I have plans afoot for tri training once I am safely through the marathon.
What is something I would love to learn?
Where would I want to live my ideal life?
I haven’t seen enough of the world to answer this one, but I know that I have never felt I have roots anywhere. Germany, Belgium, Holland and Denmark are all places that intrigue me, but that is just where I am wondering about recently.
Where would I like to travel in the next 5 years?
As above, I feel drawn to Germany, Holland, Belgium and Denmark. Really though, anywhere that I can find a cheap flight and accommodation which fits in with my children.
What can I do to take better care of myself?
I can get more sleep. I would also like to eat better.
What hobbies would I like to try?
Triathlon, boxing, wing walking (is that really a hobby?)
When have I done something that I thought I couldn’t do?
Most recently I completed two climbs at the bouldering gym, but before I went along I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete half of the easiest one. Over the last 4 years my world has been made up of achieving things I didn’t believe I could do. It is amazing what you can achieve when you have the right mindset, or the right person to teach you how to sail through the fog.
At the end of my life, what do I want my legacy to be?
I want people to see me as someone who had a lot of love to give out. That I was a tenacious achiever who began life as a starter and flourished as a completer. Also that I was a kind person who raised wonderful children and inspired them to be the best they can be.
Over the months M and I enjoyed many comfortable times in our relationship.
I have always cherished companionable silence and healthy debate, both of which had been sorely missed with P. M and I enjoyed each others company in so many ways when we were together, and when we were apart things were fine. I had my boys, work, study and M had his work and regular AA meetings. We would usually chat every evening once the boys were in bed, with the odd text exchange during the day. This worked really well, and we were both happy with the level of contact. It worked for us.
But there were times when he would go off grid.
Just for an evening or so, not answering our prearranged call, and then being rude and grumpy with me the next time we spoke. He would say that he felt claustrophobic and needed some time to himself. I felt awful that I had made him feel like that, stepped back a little and gave him the space he needed, but then he would be back in the same routine of contact. My head would swim at the change in his moods, but walking on eggshells was something that I had learnt was normal in relationships. P had shown me that, and as we had been together for most of my adult life I had no other point of reference. The thing was though, that when he was absent unexpectedly my head would go into a spin. I would imagine all sorts of situations and realised that I didn’t trust him. When I asked him what he had been up to the last evening he would get cross and say he had “just been for a walk” or he had “gone to an extra meeting.” All perfectly reasonable, and I tried so hard to not listen to my gut instinct.
He was patient with me, suggested we try counselling.
So we went. We sat in the room with a lovely lady who asked questions. I answered more, he was a closed book, but he pointed out that I was the one who didn’t trust him so it was probably working just right. That smooth smile of his, those kind dark brown eyes… This was my fault, the stress in our relationship. Why wouldn’t it be? Everything always was! That was another lesson from P. We kept going and, alongside my own solo counselling I started to get a better image in my head of what I needed out of life and our relationship.
During this time I had been planning a move to Devon.
It would take me closer to M, but that was just the icing on the cake as far as my life was concerned. Devon had become a safe space for me, I had discovered that Dartmoor had a healing effect on my soul. My study was also progressing well, and I had planned on either going to Plymouth university, where the department had an excellent reputation with high quality graduates in my chosen field, or continuing with the Open University. I could transfer with work, and make the study decision later on, but with P taking his parenting role with a pinch of salt it was the deciding factor.
M actively encouraged my decision, making plans and suggestions.
He even came to look at houses with me, talking through the benefits of the areas and why he liked them. As time went on he even began talking about our long-term future together, moving in together, holidays with the children. All interspersed with the occasional disappearance. I convinced myself that I must be imagining things, that I didn’t trust him because of my past. That my belief that I wasn’t good enough made me think he would leave me eventually, and that as I started to like myself more I would trust that he wasn’t the scoundrel or heart breaker that his relationship history indicated he would eventually become.
We all change and grow, and as I was learning about myself so was he, through his recovery from alcoholism.
His lack of interest in me sexually must have been due to the lack of trust I had in him. I didn’t constantly show him my fears and worries. No, I kept them for private moments when my mind would run round in circles. After all, I really should trust him; he was the one who had asked for a monogamous relationship, he knew my interest in sexual freedom and how I had been non-monogamous with Sir.
But that was different.
And this relationship was mainly vanilla.
And vanilla does not cater for people like me.
My square peg in this round hole of a relationship was what was causing my anxiety.
So I would need to change…
File down those edges.
Never underestimate how tiring it is trying to fit in with what you believe others expect of you.
1. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still have that same worry or feel the same about it at this minute?
Five years ago I was heavily pregnant with a child I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to love or care for. My first birth was followed by 3 years of not liking my son, and this surprise pregnancy brought back a lot of those feelings of inadequacy and fear. Add onto that P had decided we were going to find out the sex of the baby, and upon discovering we were having another boy repeatedly made the points that he had a wanted a girl, he was deeply unhappy that I was growing a boy and I probably should have had that abortion he had suggested at the start of the pregnancy. (He is a real charmer)
Five years later and my fears have been proven unfounded. I didn’t experience postnatal depression second time round, and though there have been very challenging times I have removed the highly toxic P from my life (as much as possible) and found a strength of character which is proving to be more than good enough for raising two lovely little boys.
2. Do you have a positive or negative body image? What factors contribute to your self body image? a. advertisements b. media and social media c. comments from others d. introspection and analysis of self
I finally believe I have a positive body image. I see my body for what it is, and I am proud of what my body can do. Over the last five years I have gone from loathing my body to being fairly ambivalent about it. Just in the last year (from my heaviest last October to a healthier weight now) I have come to really appreciate certain parts. My breasts were the last part, with everyone else having the perfect shape or size and mine being, well, different. Following tasks from an exasperated Sir, and some great photos I have realised that when I say “all breasts are beautiful” that can include mine too. So much so that I even got fitted for a bra two weeks ago! Got to love Sir’s tasks and a spot of self-counselling.
Sadly, no amount of people telling me they like my breast, bum eyes or [insert preferred body part] has helped me in this journey. I have friends and lovers who enjoy my body, and sir has always been appreciative. But he has set tasks so that I can accept myself in my own time. And as my confidence has grown in my body so has my appreciation of it, and my willingness to look after it.
I have been a bit frustrated at the media and certain apps, one called My perfect body which allows you to shape and mould your photos to create the “perfect” shape. It makes me worry for the next generation. I may have downloaded it and had a go…
3. How confident are you as a person? a. no confidence at all b. confident around friends and family c. confident at work, and in my job d. very confident in my surroundings–work, social settings, with strangers
I have a quiet confidence which I find useful in most situations. From meeting strangers, to public speaking and with people who I know well. Strangely it is the people I know a little but not well who I feel shy around. Perhaps with strangers I can have the walls up, and those I’m close to have already found the secret hiding place for my spare door key. Those in the middle ground are, perhaps, more risky? Who knows…
4. How creative a person are you? Why? a. not creative b. average creativity c. creative in some situations d. very creative
When it comes to food I am very creative, particularly with store cupboard staples. Otherwise I rely on reflection or academia (writing) and patterns or pictures to copy (drawing and crafty things) I’m happy with my level of creativity.
5. Do you resent things being uncertain and unpredictable? Why? a. agree b. undecided or Don’t Know c. disagree
I can find uncertainty challenging, but resent predictability.
I’m actually quite fond of my pussy. I like the way that I can drive myself insane with touch. I also like the way that it can send men a little bit crazy…
When Sir was learning my body through physical contact and video clips there was also a large amount of self discovery occurring.
Watching porn as a youngster I always worried that my voluptuous lips were hideous, not helped by theregular taunts from P about my “fat fanny.” It’s amazing what a little self acceptance, and self love can do. And I do love this part of my self.
Click the lips to see what everyone else is up to.
The day had arrived. I was prepared, physically and mentally.
Work was done, the boys were with their dad and I was heading west for “The biggest & best Kink night in the South West !!” I was beyond nervous, but knew that if I didn’t keep pushing myself forward I would start to pull back into my shell again, like a Tortoise. I had no desire for that to happen. When I arrived in the town I ended up driving round in circles in the one way system. It took me three attempts to find the correct road and car park, but perhaps unsurprisingly I hadn’t noticed the club. fetching my rucksack from the back seat I noticed a familiar person. LTM was walking out of the car park so I hurried to catch up. He walked me round and introduced me to the friends he was meeting at the door. Joining the queue I was directly behind someone I had been chatting to about rope, with the potential for him to tie me up. He was shy so I would have to ask.
As I moved toward the door the nerves and sick feelings gave way to calm resignation.
I had arrived, the queue behind me blocked any chance of escape and beyond the door lay a new world. As the door swung open I was greeted by three familiar smiling faces plus the venue owners. I was given a locker key and directions to the changing space but I couldn’t make my way through the crush of people so I stopped to chat with MT first. As he had been there early he had managed to hire a private room, and offered me to use it to change and store my bits. Accepting his offer I got changed in privacy and comfort, gathered my thoughts, took a deep breath and stepped out to join the tour for newcomers to the venue.
There were four floors of kink to explore, with a hot tub, sauna, steam room and showers, as well as a social space, a dark dank dungeon space, and a larger play space at the top…
The large play space had a demonstration stage and a Fucking Machine.
MsD had told me she was taking it, and I would be welcome to try…if I wanted to. Less of a request, more of a cheeky challenge.
But would I?
What do you think? By the time the demos had started the main space had filled up. One woman tried it briefly, then another for longer. I was watching the action from the side, wanting to go up but not wanting to… When the second lady climbed down from the stage I looked up and MsD was asking who was next. Catching her eye I was still humming and ahhing when she crooked her finger at me and smiled with eyes that said “You know you want to.” Fuelled by nothing more than Diet Coke my inhibitions melted away. I wanted to do this, and I was damn sure that I would. So with an audience I stepped up onto the stage and stripped from the waist down, got into position and settled down for another completely new experience. I giggled an awful lot, and mostly rested my face in the cushion on the stage, but being watched over by so many people was quite a thrill. With SL by my side, matching my giggles with respectful humour as his Mistress attempted to get his new friend to give in and climb off, I discovered new reserves of confidence.
I didn’t orgasm on the machine but it did wet my appetite.
I knew full well that this wasn’t going to be the last time I used one, though I had no idea when or where the next time would be. MT introduced me to his group of friends, and a little later on he had asked if I would like him to cane my feet. He wanted to show her what he could do, and he also wanted to make sure I had a good time. Of course, I agreed! And he did a very good job caning my feet solo. He also used his tawse on my soles and on the palms of my hands, which felt delicious. Tr and CC were also on hand to make my evening a great one. CC giving me advice on foot protection when the heels had to come off (pop socks) and Tr making calming conversation when I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the noise, heat and throngs of people.
That night some of my friendships within the community became established.
As the night went on I chattered to so many new people, respectfully asking about things that were going on that I had never seen before, such as needle play. Seeing the variety of outfits and implements opened my eyes to so many more possibilities. Much of what I saw that night I had seen in porn, some had been used on me in person, but to see all of these other people like me enjoying their kinks publicly was amazing. And all of the beautifully different shapes and sizes of my fellow revellers triggered a change in me. I had learnt that Sir enjoyed my body, and he had helped me to be confident in my own skin with him and myself. Now though I could see the wonderful diversity, not all the traditional beauties you would see on kink.com but so much more. Men, women and everyone in between. Outfits ranging from latex to lingerie to leather, all-black to brightly coloured.
There was space for everyone, and that included me.
I was looking at the world through a new pair of eyes.
Having spent much of the last two years under the watchful gaze of Sir it was strange to see the whole kinky world opening up before me in a new way. He had helped me to see the person that I was in a positive light, a way that I was unable to during my marriage. I had begun to accept that my kinks and fantasies were safe to explore, as long as I didn’t cause any harm or upset to others. I had also had enough time to get up to mischief that I had identified risks, and as a parting gift from Sir he had given me a whole range of safety guidelines so that I was in a better position to get home safely after meeting new people.
With my restrictions lifted I was free to do as I pleased.
When sir had disappeared, due to his accident, I was unsure whether I was being tested or had been dropped like a hot potato. It was a distressing and confusing time. Coupled with the total collapse of my marriage I had no idea whether I was coming or going, and went into a spiral of self-destruction and didn’t pay much heed to my safety or who I was meeting. This time I knew that he wanted me safe and that he would be back in contact at some point. If he didn’t care even a little bit he wouldn’t have left guidelines or asked if I would like him to be in touch again; funny how it took him leaving for me to realise that he thought of me as more than just a plaything.
That realisation gave me confidence that I had been struggling with.
My confidence had been battered over the years that I was married, and over the time since I had moved my P out his behaviour had been causing a dripping tap effect. He had systematically isolated me during our marriage, except for permitted friends and family, and after I moved him out he spread all sorts of lies and nonsense to those people. I was left with no friends, bar the ones I had been making through kink, and my family put distance between us. They would say they were there for me but, it wasn’t until I discovered what stories had been made up about me that I was able to start rebuilding those family bonds. After I had approached the health visiting team and then social services over concerns for my children I had been put on the waiting list for talking therapy, to help me build up my self worth once more.
Just before sir left I had been given a date to meet a lady called Rachel.
The woman who greeted me in the waiting room was kind and accepting, but more than that…. she had an air of dominance about her; I’m not sure if it was her dress, posture or mannerisms but I felt really at ease with her.Whether she was a fellow kinkster or not, during my 18 sessions with her I felt safe to talk to her about all levels of my life, without fear of repercussions. In that little room I cried and laughed, talked and clammed up. She encouraged me to think about my life as a bowl of spaghetti, and her job was to help me straighten out the strands. All she would do is ask me questions, and I would spew the contents of my brain out. It was with her I named the relationship I had with P as abusive. I had always thought of myself as a bright woman, and didn’t understand how I could have been so stupid, so blind!
I started to learn that I was a good mum, and that I could manage life in general.
My time in that room with the incredible Rachel gave me a way of translating the strength I had found with sir in my kink life into a vanilla resilience I had never known as an adult. I learnt about my past, discovered things that made me tick at the time and planned next steps for weekly goals and longer term plans. At times I was scared of the changes I made, but for the most part I was excited to continue growing as a woman and learning to sail my own ship in my own way.
With the removal of P from my home life I suddenly had some head space.
Not a huge amount, I felt guilty for moving him out and he was still asking me to deal with this, that and the other. The late night knocks on the door, the calls and the texts were not welcome… but I felt responsible for him, for his misery, for his loneliness. I may have removed his physical presence, but he wasn’t gone yet. While I supported him in his new home I had two small boys to get settled into a new way of living. They were incredible, and a source of inspiration to keep going when things were difficult. And things were very difficult at times.
Break ups are challenging at the best of times, without being told repeatedly that you aren’t good enough to cope alone.
Over the months that followed things began to change, slowly but surely, in the way that a dripping tap still fills a sink, I began to realise that. My time with Sir had started my seeds of self-confidence growing. I had been strong enough to get to this point. I could just make out some of the ways that I had changed already. Trusting my own judgement, making a plan and sticking to it, learning to ask for help when I needed it, understanding that I was worth more than being treated like dirt. However, what was becoming clear to me was that I was becoming excited about the future. It was a faint buzz rather than all out joy, I still had a lot of healing to do before I could trust that everything would be ok, but I started to make plans.
Plans for my future started taking shape.
I had enrolled on a foundation course with the Open University. I could study alongside my full-time work and the children. The course material would help with my work and in theory would tell me that I was good enough to continue onwards with my career path. I had to battle those demons, informing them almost daily that I would be able to do the work, that I was good enough… a capable and intelligent woman. At the time though I had just enough confidence in my ability to start and complete tasks that I believed I could get through the access module, at the very least. My tasks as a submissive were bearing fruit, even four months after they stopped.
My confidence in my ability as a parent improved too.
I had felt the impact of strict boundaries and moving goal posts for many years, and seeing the confusion on my eldest’s face when he met these ever-changing rules and regulations was awful. As a submissive I had also experienced a very fair set of boundaries, knew where I could push and what the consequences would be. Operating as a single mum I could take inspiration from my other secret life and build stable foundations for my boys. Watching the boys flourish, even as they pushed back against the safety nets I had put up, filled me with pride. Watching them grow made me more aware, more present, as a parent, and that made me more capable. A positive cycle which I had learnt through Sirs example of being both patient and strict. I could do it!!
I was also coming around to the idea that I was an ok person.
I had been socially isolated throughout most of my marriage, only being allowed contact with certain permitted friends. With the removal of P from my life came a loss of most of those “friendships” I was suddenly blocked on social media, people wouldn’t answer my texts, and the ones that did would shut me down. The lies which were being spread about me were vile; friends, family and colleagues having their heads filled with nonsense. All a way for P to continue bullying me, he always played the victim card. As hard as it is to see these doors close, to feel the isolation, I soon began to see little rays of sunshine. In the place of the long-standing friendships I started to meet new people, people who fitted with my new sense of self. No longer the drinkers, pot heads and gossips… I had control over who I wanted in my world, and as much as being cut off hurt at the time this was another reason to be excited. R and M to start with soon to be joined by more along the way.