I must be quiet. I’ve two restless and excited boys upstairs. They’re trying to get to sleep in their rooms above me. I DO NOT wish to disturb them. We’re off on our travels and I need an orgasm before three nights in a family room render my pleasures out of bounds. Stress relief, or some such thing. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. I do not want to turn into a frustrated demon after all. With that thought in mind I realised I’ve got just the thing. The team at Funzze sent me the Orgasm Monster in exchange for a fair and honest review. It had already won my slutty little heart, but clearly I needed to check my findings. Confirming the whisper quiet vibrations was first on the list!!
What is so special about the Funzze Orgasm Monster?
I’d always wanted to try out a pinpoint clitoral stimulator. Given the freedom to choose my products from the website I was drawn to the three available options in clit stim collection on the Funzze site. I didn’t fancy the double ended one, with the suction cup in the base and the precision tip on the other. So it was down to two. The Orgasm Monster, or the Orgasm Monster Pro. The attachments for the former caught my eye, the big, floppy ears that I’ve been looking for in a rabbit toy, and the teeny weeny tongue looked like they’d fit my needs. It was also the cheapest of the three, coming in at a budget friendly $33.99 which makes this cost-conscious single mum happy. All I could do was hope that it gave me a positive experience.
First impressions of my precision tipped vibrator.
When the grey plastic postal bag arrived I opened it to find the usual unassuming cardboard box. This is how I’ve come to expect Funzze toys to be presented, having enjoyed both the Honey Ducky 2 and the Super Powerful Wand Massager. I like this. Not only is the packaging easier to recycle than other products I might purchase/review, it also keeps the costs down. If you like the heavily designed boxes then perhaps Funzze aren’t the brand for you, but if you appreciate simplicity and a smaller budget then don’t let cardboard outers put you off.
Upon opening the box I found the pretty, pink toy, the two attachments and a gold toy bag, alongside these were a USB charging cable and instructions card. It was lightweight in my hands, and the buttons were conveniently placed. Looking forward to trying this as I was, I immediately set it charging.
The website states that it requires two to three hours charging time, for one to two hours of play. So I made sure the light was blinking. Upon my return the blinking had stopped; a steady light is a ready battery, as seems to be the way with most toys.
Ready, steady, PLAY!
I mentioned the three conveniently placed buttons. The middle one is for power, firmly press to wake up the product, turn it on. Then scroll up through the patterns with the tip end button, scroll back down using the base end button. Even I struggled to get this muddled up. Inside the little body three motors are housed, and these provide seven intensities. At the lower end these are as rumbly as a fine head can give. The highest is incredibly buzzy. Though not, as I’d feared, in line with an electric toothbrush.
With testing in mind I wanted to work through the suggestions on the website.
Using the firm little head, I went straight in for pinpoint precision clit stimulation.
Exploring my clitoris with the tip felt really pleasant. Working it over my clitoral hood as well as underneath it I didn’t find myself in any discomfort. My body puffed up and received the pleasure with much gusto. To a point. I would reach the breathless phase and then stay there. I couldn’t quite tip myself over the edge on the first attempt, and over the weeks of testing I’ve still not achieved orgasm in this way.
Next up was the rabbit ears on the nipple.
My nipples enjoy pain rather than gentle vibrations, so I had no expectations here. But the sensations were nice and I imagine that, if you’re a sensitive nipple kind of person then you would find great joy here.
The final suggestion was to use the tongue internally, to stimulate the g-spot.
Aside from the lack of a speculum, and a nurse, this felt rather like having a smear test, or having swabs taken. Well, aside from the lack of cervical jiggery-pokery. It wasn’t erotic for me, though medical play isn’t my thing. Perhaps it is yours and you’d enjoy this. Or maybe you enjoy a slimmer fitting toy than me, I can be a bit of a size queen after all.
Testing it out my own way.
The thing with sex toys is that we can use them in any way we see fit. But I do wonder if many people see the information on a website and just follow the guidelines there. I’m not that person, and I really wanted to give the Funzze Orgasm Monster a fair shot. I had been lusting after pinpoint pleasure for years after all. I wondered if I’d be able to bring myself to orgasm through this sex toy alone, or if it would need help. So I set about with gusto!
Using the tongue I set about my clit
I was wanting to see if the vibrations worked better over a slightly larger area. This may be a good time to point out that the silicone tongue and ear attachments simply slot on over the top of the firm bulb. As the connection is not fixed and the material is soft, the vibrations kind of lose some of their potency. Now, for me, this wasn’t ideal, but I am a lover of a powerful, deep and rumbly vibrations. My reaction, therefore, may come as no surprise. However, if you’ve a more sensitive undercarriage then your reaction may be heightened by the drop in intensity.
Undeterred, I used the tongue to give myself a rim job.
Now this was a delight. Gentle flicks across my puckered hole made me breathless. Unlike my clit, I would never expect to orgasm through anal licking, so to be gasping was a surprise.
On my next Funzze Orgasm Monster adventure I added the rabbit ears instead.
Expectations were high, these ears are similar to my first rabbit’s ears. (RIP to my poor, much missed vibrator.) When I found the angle this attachment felt amazing. However, that angle was from below. As bendy as I can be, I still get cramp when holding odd positions and my back screamed at me before orgasms swept over me. But it was coming! If I’d had a lover between my legs, holding the ears against my clit while curling two or three fingers inside… Well, I think I’d have been in heaven!
This got me to considering what would happen if the lover slipped up and into my body.
Would I be able to slip my clit stim between us, have my cunt spasm around him, milking his cock for every last drop…
Was it the fantasy that got me off? Of hard, intimate fucks, gazing into those glittering eyes, being sucked into his deep and passionate kisses. Or was it the way that I lay the stimulator along the descending part of my clitoral body? Snugging it down into the hood, and avoiding the glans entirely?
OK, I’m going to be honest, I did get lost in the fantasy, however it was the sex toy partnership that did the work. Taken up to full intensity and dialled back a few presses. The power of that orgasm was repeated in the same sitting, and hasn’t been shy on a variety of occasions since.
I haven’t had the opportunity to use the stimulator in partnered intercourse and, as much fun as Rico is I can’t manhandle him into being on top during missionary, let alone relax into it and get myself off. Can you imagine!! However, with my experiences solo I know that this little pocket rocket would make a great couples toy for me (+1), even if it isn’t in the couples toys collection.
How to clean your Funzze Orgasm Monster.
This product is rated with IP65, this means it is dust proof as well as splash proof. It is made of ABS and silicone, the combination of which means you’d be unwise to take it in the bath with you. Though it will cope with gush.
ABS plastic is non-porous, just like the medical grade silicone that is used for the attachments and to coat the base. As a result cleaning with an antibacterial soap, a soft cloth and warm water is all you need to ensure it’s in tip top condition for your next play.
Would I part with my hard earned cash and buy the Funzze Orgasm Monster?
When I was presented with the choice on Funzze I decided on the Orgasm Monster because I was curious about it. I wasn’t convinced it would ‘work’ but I knew I needed to find out, once and for all. My expectations were low, due to the price point and my love of jack hammer style vibrations. As it turns out, the orgasms are plentiful and powerful. Even with the less penetrating stimulation. The vibrations don’t hurt the hand, and (so far) the tips don’t give me clit-blindness. It’s also rare for me to find a vibrator that is strong enough to actually get me off, while still small enough to get into the required location for couples play. (Specifically missionary position which is the most effective for me.) It’s a happy addition to my collection, and, considering the conversion cost is £28, I would recommend it to anyone that is curious to try precise clitoral stimulation.
Would you like to get your hands on one of these too? The Orgasm Monster is available at Funzze.com in either pink or purple, and will set you back $33.99. Of course, there are plenty of other great toys to keep you busy, go and check them out!
Click the button to see what everyone else is up to this week. Or have a peek at my past MmmMondays posts here.
From the story of how the barefoot sub became the woman she is today, to toy reviews, with a hefty dose of contemplation, a sprinkling of erotica and a LOT of nudity in between, you can be sure to find something to tickle your fancy at A Leap Of Faith.
“The Orgasm Monster, or the Orgasm Monster Pro.” Decisions, decisons. LOL
jokes aside, I love that there is a bit of an anatomy lesson in here too!
Size really does matter… The rabbits ears on the Pro were just too little for me.
I was looking for answers as to what that area is called, fortunately a twitter mutual shared that image for my own education. But I had to include the picture because I didn’t know if anyone would know where I was talking about. Not the experience I’d been expecting, a delightful little pleasure product.