4 Thoughts has asked us to think about Kink vs Fetish this week and I wanted to get involved.
The topic of kink vs fetish is one that that pops into my mind whenever I log into fetlife and see that someone has added a new fetish. It frustrates me that one of the biggest BDSM social networks has taken a word and twisted it to make an attractive header. Ok, as a writer I could be accused of this on occasion too, but there is artistic license and then there is trivialising someone elses needs.
Before I spin off into a rambling post about my thoughts on kink and fetish I want to make sure I have my definitions correct.
Dictionary.com describes kink as
bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.
and the Merriam-Webster defines fetish as:
an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression
This seems to match up with my thoughts that a kink is a choice, fetish is a need.
My understanding is, and has always been, that while a kink may be a wonderful addition to a scene it is not the be all and end all. When it is included in play then it is a great addition, but if it isn’t included then it won’t be missed. Well, not to the detriment of the play scene. However, I believe that a fetish is required for the fetishist to achieve fulfilment. If it isn’t included then the satisfaction is not guaranteed.
What does kink mean to me?
As regular readers to my blog will know I love rope. I enjoy it in play, and it makes up a big part of my kinky lifestyle. Being bound in ropes by Sir was etched in my mind. I couldn’t leave it alone so learnt how to tie myself up. This gave me the confidence to tie others up, and has subsequently led to me building some beautiful friendships. I have even had opportunity to share what I have learnt and support friends in acquiring their own set of skills.
It features in my vanilla world too, just the other day I was helping SWL create a plant hanger, using weaves and hitches I have only ever used in rope play. And if I go for a long walk, either by myself or with Loki, the rope comes too. Saying that, I am quite happy pottering around without including those hanks of loveliness. In fact, when I am not tying I don’t crave the sensation. Yes, I love it, and I thoroughly enjoy rope space when I get there, but… There may be times when I am disappointed not to be bound (when sir uses it for control) but it is still a welcome addition rather than a necessary inclusion.
So what about fetish? Do I have one?
I haven’t ever believed that I do have an actual fetish. Something that I need in play, that I get sad when it isn’t involved and which is intrinsically linked with my sexual arousal. I have friends who are latex fetishists and I see the drive that they have in fulfilling their sexual needs. But then I realised that I do have something that fits into this. I have shared previously that I am a masochist. Pain fuels my fires. It doesn’t need to be much, but I find orgasms so much more satisfying if pain is involved. Yes, I can orgasm without, but then so can my main latex fetishist friend. He and his wife enjoy their marriage to its fullest, but she doesn’t enjoy rubber.
Since my first paingasm I have enjoyed exploring the limits of my pain.
I have discovered that my masochism can be separate from my submission (needs must!) Also, with no intense sensory input (pain play) I can usually get to about six weeks before the grumps and cravings set in. Sir does an amazing job of tasking me with scratching that itch, but when he is away I have to manage this myself. Before I understood this (5 years ago) risks were taken to meet these needs that I didn’t understand. However as I have made friends within my local kink community I have platonic outlets for this.
I also run, a lot. It took me a long time to realise that running was helping to satisfy some of my pain needs. That realisation occurred mid way through a hilly half marathon 15 months after sir tasked me to get back out there. A totally unexpected paingasm as I crested a big hill and made my way down a hilly track. A totally vanilla outlet for a dark fetish.
And I have skills to create my own discomfort… sadistic rope for example. Enjoying my kink to fulfil my fetish.
Back on the subject of rope, pain, and kink vs fetish… If I tie someone up I enjoy it, but if I tie someone up and am allowed to torment them in some way using pain… that leads to a much more fun play session for me. Perhaps I’m a sadomasochist? That is probably a thought for another day though…
And what happened when I was sorting out my X-Hamster favourites…
I made an interesting discovery which supports my thoughts of kink vs fetish.
I have a wide and varied collection of videos but there are only two where rope is the main focus. They only work because they are painful predicaments. Do you know what makes up the entirety of my “Guaranteed Climax” folder? Beautiful suffering. Mostly FF, I think that may well be as I enjoy the giving of pain almost as much as receiving so I can put myself in either spot. The levels of pain vary, and the way that it is delivered, but it is a feature. And one that threads its way through probably 80% of my chosen viewing.
I was lucky to be able to put this theory to the test last weekend. A trip to see SWL led to some rope and wax play.
The rope was enjoyable but the hot wax pouring… that made my evening.