I have learned that grief is another name for love.

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I still find it astonishing, even after 21 years.

You would imagine that it would get easier, and in many ways it has. I can now celebrate the many times we enjoyed, and I can look back with joy in my heart rather than total devastation and, more often than not, anger. Anger with you for not going to see the doctor sooner, that they couldn’t catch it in time because you wouldn’t tell anyone. You fought it for a number of years, never admitting that you were going to die, even after they said it had spread to your bones, and liver. The time they thought you had a stroke, but it was really rogue cells floating around in your brain.

Your strength has probably inspired me more than I admit.

For many years every time I saw someone whose life you had touched they would say “oh, haven’t you got your father’s eyes.” They always missed out the eyebrows, chin and nose!  And what about your stubbornness, dry wit and sense of adventure. Did I get those traits through nature or nurture? You were a stay at home dad until I started school, and even after that I was like your shadow. Saturday mornings in the shop are memories I will always treasure, the touch of felt will always take me back to that time.

Grief is a funny thing though.

Every year in the lead up to your anniversary something makes me feel like my heart has been broken. I never equate the two immediately, but tonight was a quicker realisation than the standard day or two. Maybe I am learning with time. Perhaps next year I will surprise myself with allowing the sadness without needing other hurts to bring it out.

This evening I was driving home from delivering my children. It’s the holidays and I get a rest too.

I was thinking about events from the last week or so. You see, when Sir left again in July I felt a little sad. I knew that I wouldn’t hear from him until at least February, and even if I did I wasn’t sure how that would feel. My need to submit took a sabbatical. I have been exploring this wonderful world of kink in different ways and enjoying myself greatly, but as time wore on my mojo drifted. Recently a few things have happened which have made me realise that, although enjoying the opposite sides of myself, I had actually been hiding my submission. It hadn’t left me, just curled up inside too scared of being exposed and vulnerable. The intensity of my submissive love and the loss thereafter too hard to face again. Grief is not just felt for those who have died.

Driving along I felt my heartbreak all over again, my eyes burning with tears held back too long.

I knew that I needed to run, and once I was safely home I did just that. Not 200m from my front door I realised why. I have come home and spoken to one of my lovely friends (you’d love her, she’s completely mad) and I have talked about you more than I have with anyone in years. I hope you would be proud of the woman I have become, the way I have conducted myself when times have been hard and the way I am raising the two grandsons you will never get to meet. More often than not I need to be strong just like you were, sometimes I need to laugh until my sides aches and occasionally I need a good cry.

Tonight, astonishingly, I have done all three.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

February Photofest

Every mile will be worth my while.

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Every mile makes me a better version of me.

1. How do you spend most of your time?

I’m a mum, first and foremost. Those lovely children of mine fill my heart and mind with tasks and chores. I’m also studying, though that probably doesn’t take up as much of my time as it should. Aside from these two I spend the most part of my life running. Outdoors and under the big sky, more often than not calf deep in mud!

2. Is this where you thought you would end up?

When I married my ex husband I believed that he was who I would be with forever. I was happy to ignore my kinks and lead a “normal” life. I didn’t expect that I would have got it so horribly wrong in my choice of life partner. I also didn’t expect to find myself a mum, let alone a single one. But this is the path my life has taken and I am so much happier. I also have goals and plans to achieve them. A marathon, for example, has been a long-held goal. Only now do I have the confidence to achieve that!

3. What would you do differently if given the opportunity?

Aside from wishing that I had found an osteopath sooner, as mentioned here, I couldn’t go back and change anything. Why would I want to? I may not have enjoyed every mile of my journey, but the scenery has at least been varied. There are parts of my life which have been unpleasant and challenging, but they have made me understand my strengths. My life now is wonderful. Not without challenges, but I am free to be me.

And I’m ok!

4. How do you encourage creativity in the bedroom?

I am an open book, people just need to ask me the right questions. Lovers tend to trust me before we get to the bedroom. I find that this trust, along with being open and non-judgemental are all the encouragement creativity needs.

5. Tell us something about yourself that might surprise us.

For all of the smut I read and porn I watch you may be surprised to find out that the most erotic moment in print that I have found is Gone With The Wind” when Scarlet O’Hara and Rhett Butler kiss for the first time. I still get goose-bumps thinking about that.

Bonus: Sexually, who has influenced you the most?

In an odd way probably my mother. I love my mum very much, but her attitude to sex is very traditional. My Aunty is a serial monogamist and my mum does not approve. I don’t think for a moment that she would approve of my lifestyle either!! However, aside from this she has always accepted me. She has always encouraged me to be the best I can be, and she has shown me that I should follow my dreams. As my sexuality blossomed I didn’t ever think of sex in the traditional sense. Seeking out experiences, learning and pushing myself in ways that I wanted to explore.

TMI Tuesday blog
February Photofest

If you just keep moving forward you’ll amaze yourself. #22

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When trying to think of a song that moves me forward I couldn’t quite get my head around what that meant. But Kiss with a fist by Florence and The Machine is a song which I often sing when I’m running, the lyrics and beat just drive me on. Perhaps it is rather fitting that it is about a toxic relationship, and by singing it as I run I get further away from my history of abuse. Maybe I have given this altogether too much thought, but this is a song that moves me forward in many ways.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

Give a little whistle for #boobday.

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Hunter’s Tor

With the whistle of the wind in my ears I lifted my top and blew…

Now the weather is turning cold, wet and windy I have begun to get back in the swing of things with the challenge I set myself: Tits out tor bagging.

I love dartmoor and want to show it off in all its beauty, but sadly my arms are just not long enough to do that and show my breasts so I was a little grumpy for a while. And then I remembered an app I used to have on my old phone, which is such an easy idea. Of all of the remote trigger apps I chose whistle cam after being recommended it by a rigger. She uses it for her more complex self ties and I used it until my old phone ran out of memory. At which point I filed it away in my own internal archives.

With whistle cam installed I set off running, towards Hunters Tor and set things up. My whistling worries proved unfounded and the app detected my toot with no problem at all.

Happy #Boobday everybody!

See what everyone else is up to here.

boob day meme

Give a little whistle for #boobday. was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Racing Tits! #Boobday

Racing tits
Yes Tor

Racing is a term I use loosely in regards to my running.

I’ve always enjoyed events, but since getting back into running at the beginning of the year I have been drawn to trail events. Last weekend saw me tick off three more tors for my Tits Out Tor Bagging challenge, and I picked up a very cool medal.

 

Come and see what everyone else is up to for Boobday

boob day meme

Racing Tits was first published on A Leap Of Faith

August is running away, but every friday is #Boobday

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Boobday by the light of a parking machine

August has been an incredibly hard going month for me.

My focus has been on my children. Initially I missed them so much I found it hard to concentrate on anything so busied myself in ways that got me out and seeing people rather than being on my own where I could dwell on how much I missed them. And when I got them home again we have been so busy that it wasn’t just them who was worn out after a long day of exploring. Now, as August draws towards it’s final few days I have a little time to myself again.

Spending a couple of days with family allowed me to get out for a run.

This time in my old stomping grounds. I couldn’t resist taking an evening selfie in the glow of a parking machine of a busy car park. It felt good to be getting up to some adult mischief once more, and I can hardly wait for the opportunity for creating more mayhem over the next few days while the boys are away.

boob day meme

Check out other people’s #Boobday offerings here

Scavenger hunt silver

Take a look at what other people are up to on the scavenger hunt

I encased my heart in stone so as to stop it from beating

Encased by DrLovelace
Encased by DrLovelace

I encased my feet in wax so as to stop them from running away.

Actually that’s not entirely true. My heart is not encased in stone. It beats on even when it feels like it is forever broken.

Love can hurt, but not loving hurts even more.

And it would take more than a little hot wax to stop me from running, or wriggling, or giggling….

And having my friend DrLovelace encase my feet in wax is just good old fashioned kinky fun time! I am such a lucky girl to have loving friends who brighten my world in such wonderful ways.

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DrLovelace brightens my world!

I encased my heart is stone to stop it from beating was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Click the lips to see what everyone else is up to:

Sinful Sunday
Apologies for not following the prompt, but this was too pretty not to share.

 

Dam, it’s #Boobday again

Dam! It's #Boobday

Another #Boobday friday, and another excuse to get my breasts out.

Not that I seem to need much of an excuse. This week I visited the Avon dam, black tor and ryders rings. I even got to enjoy a little rain and some mud. Happy days!

With the recent lack of rain the reservoir is not full to bursting, but in the winter the spillway is really quite spectacular.

Black Tor 16.7.18

Dam! It’s #Boobday  was originally posted on A Leap Of Faith

Leaving the darkness behind for #Boobday.

View from Buckland Beacon

This time last year I was very unwell. The darkness was almost overwhelming.

I was struggling with my depression and every day I was worried that I would lose the fight. While I picked my way through the dark times that had led me to that point (with professional support) I had the boys as a shining light to guide me back through the darkness. Mindfulness was something that wouldn’t work for me, but the Moors were a place that I could go and feel Small.

And if I was small in this vast landscape then my problems were not that big either.

If the problems weren’t big then I could get past them.

November came, with my birthday, and I reached the lowest point ever. The boys weren’t enough… I just wanted to sleep, to give up. My GP told me to go to the moor, just for a short walk, knowing it would do me good as it was one of my coping strategies. I vaguely remember arriving at Buckland beacon and sitting down on top for a rest and to take it all in, maybe do a little self tie, which often proved helpful.

It was too much.

I don’t remember how I got home, or into bed, but had I not had some rope belonging to a friend in my bag I wouldn’t have made it down safely. How could I ruin her relationship with rope? I shall be forever grateful to her for being relaxed about me returning those hanks of blood red jute-y goodness late.

As you will probably have gathered from my tor bagging adventures  I spend a lot of time on the moors, but I had been actively avoiding this spot. That isn’t a hard task when you think how much space there is to roam free. On monday I was brave and ran up there, bagging another tor, well, more specifically a point of interest, for the collection.

The association is gone.

What a difference 8 months makes.

The darkness has lifted.

It doesn’t quite fit with where I have got to in my story, but I wanted to share this now as I was so proud of my achievement, but also I want to inspire hope. Darkness is so very difficult, but it can be overcome.

boob day meme

Leaving the darkness behind for #Boobday was first published on A Leap Of Faith

#SOSS: Sharing the love.

sharing is caringThis week has been an interesting one for me.

Starting the week with some exciting (for Sir) but sad (for me) news, realising something so glaringly obvious that I can’t believe it took four years to understand and running more miles than I have clocked in a number of years, all in an effort to make sense of it all. Throughout the week I have been pleased with myself for reaching out to my friends, but sometimes quiet contemplation and curling up with a blog post or two has been wonderful as well. I love briefly slipping into other people’s worlds, whether they are writing fantasy or reality, or sharing pictures.

With that in mind, here are my top posts for the week.

I found Sensing submission midweek, I think via Twitter. Her posts are candid and well written, but Bukkake Madness, in particular, made me smile.

A fraud, from Marie Rebelle didn’t make me smile, not in the traditional sense anyway. It served to remind me that even the people who appear to have it all under wraps often don’t. I have included her here because her words had a profound effect on my week, even though my sadness came from a different place.

Scanderella is another new find for me this week. A surprise attack brought me back to my senses after spotting it in a tweet, so much love (should that be lust???) for this piece. But seriously, her writing is so steamy I even found her review for a penis masturbator had me drooling.

Domestic discipline, Jenny style has such an interesting life, I really enjoy reading all about her relationships, especially as her poly experiences are expanding. This week I read this post about what happens when the Dom goes away. A great insight into how her particular brand of poly looks, educational and informative as well as erotically charged.

I have been following Photo Stephi for quite some time now. The pictures that are shared there are so tasteful and elegant. Not smutty at all, which is slightly out of line with my usual preferences, but they are so, so beautiful, and this week they have been incredibly busy adding new collections that have caught my eye I couldn’t help myself anymore.

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Photo by Stephanie Pombo on Pexels.com

Never lose your sense of wonder.

Smallcombe rocks 2/7/18

A wide open wonder land, I am always astounded by the beauty of Dartmoor. 

In the spirit of achieving my Tits out tor bagging challenge I took advantage of the good weather on monday and ticked another five points of interest off of the list. Haytor is a particularly popular spot on the moor, and the surrounding countryside was quite busy. I’m glad I did this one before the holiday makers all arrive in a couple of weeks!

I had intended to share them for #Boobday but have just noticed the time. That’s what happens when you sit around chattering to a good friend over dinner. As I haven’t gone to bed yet I am still going to count it as friday, and share away. And a second post for my scavenger hunt.

Never lose your sense of wonder was originally posted on A leap of faith.

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