When I saw Lillith Avir’s No True Way prompt was “For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear” my initial reaction was a turned up nose. The first images that came to my head were the play mates who have tried to use fear and intimidation in a scene, they have always brought about laughter. Perhaps it is the fact they weren’t in my head, or perhaps the threat of unpleasant behaviour makes my brain react in a curious way. What about if I am just not afraid of anything in particular, as I explored here? Or maybe the scenarios just weren’t intense enough to elicit real fear, and maybe that is where the heat grows from? Something to explore perhaps?
I could have written a post on how this particular aspect of BDSM isn’t my favourite (yet) and left it there.
Why would I want to be afraid of someone I adore?
There were 12 years of living in fear of my husband. Getting rid of him would have been pointless if I was just going to trade him up for some consensual intimidation and un-ease. But then I remembered that Sir is setting tasks in the week, and started wondering what they may be.
It was at this point that I felt the heat. You know the one, deep arousal, a fire burning in your loins. My heart was racing a little too, the familiar surge of adrenalin.
You see, the tasks he sets are always a challenge. He sets something which is just outside my reach. I stretch myself to complete it and usually push a little bit further than I thought possible. The next time he has that as a starting point and can show me the next step, the next rung on the monkey bars.
As if that wasn’t enough to have me trembling in fear I also know that he has plans. Nothing he ever asks of me is random, but I only get to see the parts of the jigsaw as he places them in my hands.
And that not knowing is powerful.
It is so frustrating, yet also increases my vulnerability and strengthens our connection.
These tasks can be small, medium or large, but they are always a push. Certainly I don’t recall the last time I opened an email containing tasks and didn’t feel scared that I would miss the mark. This blog started as a job for him. When I consider the common blogging phrase know your audience it is him I think of. And the title of this space is from something he has instilled in me. My submission to him is a series of leaps of faith.
My most recent big task was a master stroke from him. A 30 minute reading to a group of six, including three people who were strangers to me. I’ve included an image at the top, and will say that it went better than I could ever have imagined, but if I tell you all about it now I won’t have anything to share when I reach this point in my story. Afterwards though, I had a lot of emotions bubbling away. He asked me to hammer down to the why as I was still choked two days later. In amongst the pride, disbelief and shock there was a clear thread of fear. Firstly frustration that I had been so scared and it had not met expectations on that front. But also fear of what was to come. How will he stretch me next? What can I possibly do that will feel as terrifying as this one? That will develop me in new and exciting ways.
Of course, it isn’t for me to know yet.
And when I do receive my next collection of tasks, I always have the opportunity to say no. This world is all about consent, and he continually seduces that from me. Gently, carefully and kindly.
But I won’t reject the tasks through worry that I’m not good enough… because facing my fears for him, with him… in the safe embrace of a man who has total faith in me, is the least I can do. It is my love language. If it is the only way I can tell him then I will do my damnedest to make that happen. It makes him happy to see the hard work I put into the things he asks of me, to watch me grow, develop, push through my perceived barriers of capability. I trust him completely, and submitting to his tasks and belief in me is another way of me showing him that I have faith in him, as he does in me. Aside from pleasing Sir, each time I face my fears for him I grow a little. And then I become a little bit braver, more confident, calmer when facing tasks that I encounter in my everyday life.
So on closer inspection of the question, while I have no desire to be afraid of my Dominant, I do like to be off balance and slightly behind the curve as far as his plans go. Yes, there is fear there, but it is a positive. It keeps me moving forward, onward and upward, a constant source of growth and development. It is not him that scares me, it is the promise of what he believes I can achieve.
The fear I have is of the woman that he knows I can be, and the potential that I have.
Considering the struggles with confidence which have plagued so much of my life she fills me with trepidation. But that is ok. Each time I step outside of my comfort zone (note: he never pushes my hard limits. He leaves that up to me) I marvel at the slightly modified woman that emerges the other side.
I read an article in Runner’s World magazine which sums this up perfectly. It was about a man who organised a run across Iceland. 209 miles, 10 days, 19 participants and one exciting charity. In the closing lines of his interview Danny Bent explains the benefits of this kind of challenge:
“You come back from an adventure like this realising that you can achieve far more than you think you can. And, hopefully, you then look at the other barriers and limits in your life, and think about whether they can be pushed to another level”
While my tasks may not be physically as gruelling as running 209 miles across Iceland (famous last words) I like to think I have the same positive mindset as Danny. I am no stranger to long distance running (it has featured in tasks previously) and that sense of anticipatory anxiety before a big race is very similar to opening my emails regarding tasks. I know that I will enjoy whatever happens during the coming hours/days/weeks. Evidence backs this up. And the post-event shift in confidence, creativity and tenacity will be worth it. But until things get under way this scaredy-sub will use those feelings to propel herself through the challenges to come. As I wait for the next set of requests I shall enjoy the strand of fear that threads it’s way through my soul.
Ever grateful to be the property of a man who cares enough to scare me, in the best possible way.