Tag: confidence

An ebb and flow of interest and energy

The photographer is sitting on a shingle beach, watching the ebb and flow of the tide. Only their bare feet and ankles are visible in the shot.

The photographer is sitting on a shingle beach, watching the ebb and flow of the tide. Only their bare feet and ankles are visible in the shot.

Sex, when everything “works” is fantastic. Sadly however, even when the mind is willing, our bodies can let us down. Stress, tiredness, illness, having the cat jump on the bed as you are approaching climax (or is that one just me?) can all sometimes cause things to go awry and for the best and naughtiest of intentions to fall short of where we wanted them to take us.

So, this week, what we want to know is:

  • Have you had an experience where either you, or your partner just weren’t able to “follow through” with the mood? Is it something that happens regularly

  • How did you feel at the time?

  • How do you manage these situations? Are you ever able to get back “in the swing”? If so how?

When I was reading this prompt last friday I was at a loss about what to write. Could I have written about the many times my children have woken up as I am on the edge of an orgasm? Of course I could, however I love my children and parenting comes before pleasure… always. Plus, there is a sick and twisted part inside of me that loves the denied orgasm. Not indefinitely, but edging is a powerful kink for me. And I will take orgasm control any way I can get it.

Within reason.

With that in mind I thought it would be a good idea to lave the prompt alone for this week. But reading Twisted Bubbles’ post Dirty two sentences stood out for me and got me thinking.

“I am a person who needs the other person involved, some way. While I have an amazing imagination it just isn’t enough for me.” 

I spent my marriage having one orgasm a month, maybe. When I first met Sir I said that was about my limit. Since exploring this further I have discovered the amazing ability my body has to cum repeatedly, to gush, to pulse. The variety of orgasms too, my mind was blown fairly early on. Acceptance of my body was not a given but my appreciation of it was never in doubt once it started revealing its secrets.

Imagine my disappointment when it.

All.

Just.

Stopped.

It was around the time I was at my lowest point, while I was rebuilding my confidence post P. Single by choice, no play partners (other than myself) and all of a sudden my ability to orgasm tailed off. I still had the sexual desire, but I had no ummmffff behind my self-love. The peaks seemed to disappear and I was left with a comfort in my own low libido. I would waver between “Oh that feels nice, but that will do” to bouts of sheer frustration at my total inability to climax. Tears and despair. Would I ever reach the heady heights again? The techniques I had learnt for forcing orgasms out of myself were not working. My toys felt good, but didn’t get me off, no matter how much abuse I gave myself, or how much rest I allowed between attempts.

It was some deep reflection that led me to peace with my situation.

I knew that toys got me off usually, whether in my hands or a lovers. I knew that a skilled sexual partner would have no problem dragging moans from my lips. The smell of a man, the sound of his voice, the touch of his skin. All of the above combined to create a full picture of what was missing. Not just that though, I missed the cerebral side of Ds. Someone sliding into my skull and nestling in amongst the grey matter. Without a dark and twisted man stimulating my most sensitive erogenous zone my libido had gone into hibernation.

I had heard about the way kinks ebb and flow as we travel our deviant paths.

While I took some time to rebuild my emotional self, my subconscious seemed to understand that it was not kink but peace that I needed. Some time to settle down and relax into a new life, a bright new world instead of burying my head in the sand. Or, perhaps more appropriately, burying my rubber cock in my ass! When I was ready those channels of self-love and affirmation would open up again, I just needed some patience.

Over the months that followed I started to regain my sexuality.

I started to meet new men on fabswingers and began to enjoy their company. The smells I had been missing, and the feel of a man rather than a rubber cock, set the fuses burning again. It was only a matter of time before I was ready to explode. The lingering scent on my sheets, an aching and well used pussy and my Doxy gave me all of the ammunition I needed to regain my confidence. I still have the ebb and flow that  I believe we all have, but my dry spells are shorter and further between.

#F4TFriday

 

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Do I want you to hold my hand?

One hand with manicured pink nails reaching out from inside an inflated latex body bag., holding hands with a second hand reaching down.

It is funny how life experience changes us.

During my marriage I was made to feel like I couldn’t do or achieve anything without having P hold my hand. I now see that for what it was: him holding me back for fear that I would gain confidence and leave. For about a year after I moved him out I still struggled with groups of people, I wasn’t sure how I would fit in, or survive without someone there to comfort and reassure. That all changed when I went to my first ever munch. Of the people I would see there I had only met a couple of people in private and spoken to one other online. I walked in, fake-confidence plastered all over my face, and got stuck in.

There was no one to hold my hand that day.

It was a slippery slope from there on. I attended another munch in quick succession. Smaller this time, but I had not met anyone else, online or in person. Then came my first event. Now, years later, I am comfortable in new venues, chatting to groups of people I haven’t met before. I have recently been asked to take over hosting duties at my favourite munch, a task I have accepted after much soul searching. It seems relevant to say, given the prompt, that I have a strong supporting network of friends who will be holding my hand as guest hosts each month. I won’t be able to manage the 30+ kinksters without them, and look forward to sharing some of that responsibility. This is never more important than those days when I don’t feel that I have any people-skills. Occasionally they elude me completely, but the fake confidence can be plastered on again so that I can get through.

That fake confidence sometimes spills over into actual, real self assuredness.

A knowledge that I can do it, or at least that I want to do it so much I’m sure it will be alright. That I am enough, if that makes sense? That’s what I felt last July, when I saw that early bird tickets had been released for Eroticon. A rush of excitement and knowledge that I would be fine enveloped me, and I hit the purchase button. There is a long time between July and March, and over those months I started to grow nervous. Organising my train ticket and booking the hotel were practical steps I could take to quell those nerves but once that was done…. I had nothing! I reached out to my real life friends, they listened to my nervous ramblings during late evening phone calls, extended a Whatsapp hand hold when I needed it, just like they do when I’m floundering at registration for runs.

Eventually though, with my bags packed and my mum flapping about how dangerous London is, there was nothing to do but head off.

The nerves built on the train, on the tube, and at the coffee shop after I had checked into my room. I thought I would run around a bit of the city, calm my nerves before the meet and greet on Friday while also doing a recce for the conference and social locations. It did not help! Eleven miles I ran, and did not once see where I needed to go. Showering I rushed out the door, google maps providing a commentary in my ear. Even then I managed to walk a two mile loop when it was, in reality, less than half a mile from my digs. When I finally reached the venue I was lucky to bump into Kayla Lords and John Brownstone. They pointed me in the right direction and I promised to introduce myself properly when they got back to the event. Once inside I felt completely overwhelmed, and struggled to get my bearings. I have no idea how many people there were, but I knew nobody. I wondered what on earth I had been thinking! How could I possibly fit in with these people, everybody seemed to know at least a few people, or they had their significant other to keep them safe. I met Toy for Sir in those first minutes after entering. She was in the same situation as me, but had not long landed from the US. Needless to say, we were both swept off in different directions. Each somehow finding a guide to hold our hands while we got settled in. I met so many wonderful people that first night while fuelled entirely on Lime and Soda, and I slept like a baby afterwards.

It is so exhausting, meeting so many strangers. Putting faces and voices to genitals and writing styles.

The conference itself brought more people into my sphere. And I learnt so much from the speakers. When I found my way into the workshop for the demonstrations by Mactyre I was able to enjoy some time out in the vac bed, interact/abuse Jenby in the vac cube, and spend some time in the inflatable latex body bag. Although I felt utterly ridiculous in this new latex plaything (in a silly, fun way) I did learn that not all men in kilts go without! After being kicked out of the play room, I disappeared before the evening do. Decompressing with a short run, and some dinner before heading back to the evening social. I had met some really wonderful people during the day, and managed to chat to a few people before realising that I was drooling more than talking (it had been a long day!) and I headed back for some sleep before the second day of talks. Equally as amazing as the first day, I struggled to choose between the presentations. So many wonderful insights from fellow delegates and presenters alike. The deep exhaustion that has followed while I catch my breath is so entirely worth it, and as I come back to normal I shall start to decipher my notes, and look up the online round ups. I am looking forward to seeing how I grow and develop over the next year, both as a blogger and as a woman.

Do I wish I had someone here to hold my hand?

Sometimes I do, sometimes it is what I feel most in need of. To feel that someone else is there should I slip and stumble. But really, I am happy to not have that connection to hide behind. As things are I am forced to reach out of my comfort zone, to meet new people and start conversations. To find new people whose hands I can hold, however briefly, while we explore new territory. Be that munches, events or sex blogging conferences.

I am confident that I wouldn’t have met half of the people I now consider dear friends had I had the safety net of another’s hand to keep me safe from Stranger Danger.

 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Do I want you to hold my hand?was first published on A Leap of Faith.

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You don’t have to be naked to be sexy.

photo 11-03-2019, 21 25 327999091317257689789..jpg
Photo credit: Ambrose Photography

Sometimes a sheer body stocking and some light bondage is all you need to feel super sexy.

I love what a bra does to my clothed figure, but without the covering of fabric I still feel lumpy and bumpy in an unattractive way. With weight loss comes baggy skin, a delay in the shape change.  A body stocking seems to soften the lines a little, and with some ropes over the top I’m always a happy bunny. I can control where the lines go, accentuate the waist and highlight the breasts.

In bondage I have the freedom to be me, and to be sexy.

Lingerie is for Everyone

You don’t have to be naked to be sexy was first published on A Leap of Faith.

3

It’s the childlike mind that finds the kingdom. #29

img_20181115_2145242402900402207572387.jpg

I have definitely sprinkled more than a few songs I remember from my childhood in these posts, but I have chosen The Bangles – Walk Like an Egyptian for today. It reminds me of walking with my family while busting the moves from the song, not being in the least bit bothered about the people around us. I see a little of me in my youngest, when I watch him strutting his stuff on the school run, dancing to whatever riff he has spinning through his mind at the time.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.
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It’s fun doing new things: TMI Tuesday 31st July 2018

New coffee shop

New shoesNew things are exciting and scary. July has been a mixed bag for me, but it definitely feels like a very positive month. This last TMI Tuesday of July has given me the chance to reflect.

Tell it to us straight or sexy…

1. One thing that you will never do again?

I will never clean a dirty rolling-pin again.

2. Who knows you the best?

I would say either B or Cornish Chick. They are two of the worlds most wonderful women and I am so pleased they found their way onto my life. My first two give-and-take friendships too, a learning curve for all of us I believe.

3. Do you think a relationship should be 50/50 all the time?

No relationship can be 50/50 all of the time. Whether that is friends, family, play partners and lovers, needs fluctuate. Overall I think there should be a balance of give and take, or it stops being healthy, but as I have learnt with the two lovely ladies I mentioned above (and many more wonderful people) you can ask for love and support as well as give it.

4. When was your most recent act of kindness? Was it appreciated?

On saturday I was in a race (my first ever trail event). The water station was absent for some reason and I had gone prepared with a bottle of drink…just in case. There was a lady who was struggling so I let her have some of my drink. She was very grateful.

5. Are you a good friend? Why or why not?

I hope I am a good friend. I certainly try. Though this is very much an ongoing lesson for me as most of my adult life I wasn’t allowed to have friendships of my own choosing and the ones that were permitted were P’s friends first and foremost, so I was mainly isolated.

6. What is something that you tried really hard to like but just couldn’t?

PRAWNS!!!! These are very much a hard limit. The taste, the texture, the smell, the way they wriggle around in the bowl, they way they look. Definitely enjoy watching them in the sea and in rockpools, but as soon as they are for human consumption… This was particularly difficult when I was a manager of counters in a supermarket. The fish counter was my favourite one to cover, but whenever I had to serve prawns I’m sure I would turn a delightful shade of GREEN.

Bonus: How was your month of July? Did you do anything fun, interesting, new?

July has been a great month for trying new things. Starting the month with a broken cane and a sad goodbye I haven’t played this month. I was very excited to be asked to take part in an interview by Posy Churchgate for her weekly “share our shizzle.” The children and end of term stuff has kept me busy, which is no surprise. I was able to start taking my boys climbing, but as I went to look round the climbing place and the owner asked if I would be joining them I heard Ps words slip out of my mouth “I’m not strong enough for climbing…”. Instantly I stopped myself and finished the sentence “…so I’ll give it a go!” This alone shows how far I have come in my confidence, and after almost 18 months of counselling I have decided to call it a day. My counsellor told me that my enthusiasm for life is infectious. And then I have completed my first trail event, and as I went along alone I had the pleasure of meeting a number of new people over a cup of tea afterwards. Of course coffee and cake were required after that…so I headed for the nearest town and found a new coffee shop. There have been so many new things this month, from shoes to toys, through to new events and experiences.

This is something I love about my new life.

I have the determination to experience new things, the confidence to get out on my own and some wonderful friends to tell all about it afterwards.

New coffee shop

TMI Tuesday blog

 

It’s fun doing new things: TMI Tuesday 31st July 2018 was originally posted on A leap of faith.

2

Happiness – Inside my head.

Happiness in a view

 

the-inside-my-head-tag

I spotted this at the beginning of May, and planned to join in straight away but now seems like the right time to share the happiness “Inside My Head”.

The ‘Inside My Head’ tag comes from  the discovering your happiness blog Thank you Ashleyleia for your post and open invitation to join in.

Rules:

  • Thank & tag the person that has tagged you
  • Attach the tag photo
  • Answers the ‘This or THAT questions
  • Tag a 10-20 friends.

Here are the questions:

  • How do I feel at the moment?

I am feeling bright and excited.

  • What do I need?.

An extra 5 hours in a day

  • What would make me happy right now?

I would like to be able to understand my son. He lives in his own magic world and sometimes I find things are lost in translation.

  • What is going right in my life?

A lot of things are going right at the moment. I’m getting the support I need for my son, not just from the school but healthcare professionals as well. The steps I am taking steps finding the right home for my little family seem to be in the right direction. I discovered today that I have passed my module and so I am one year closer to achieving my study aspirations.

  • What am I most grateful for? List 10 things.
  1. My children.
  2. My home.
  3. An ability to learn.
  4. My wonderful friends.
  5. Sir and his ongoing tasks.
  6. My confidence.
  7. My desire to keep going…
  8. The weather. Whatever it is I love it.
  9. Dartmoor.
  10. The sea.
  • When did I experience joy this week?

When I collected my boys after their weekend away. Those hugs are always full of joy.

  • List a small victory/success?

I took my boys to a bouldering gym today. I had originally thought I would sit and watch them doing their thing in the kids club because I don’t have the strength to climb. Well, I decided that I would give it a go. The old me who had no confidence would have stopped there but…. Not the new me. And I surprised myself, hugely!

  • What is bothering me & why?

I am very lucky to have a wonderful group of close friends, and a fantastic set of friends who are less close but no less important. It is the people who sit on the edges and pretend to be friendly but are in fact unpleasant to be around. That is what bothers me. And they bother me because I can’t do anything about them. I don’t bitch or moan or gossip, but they do. I have always been a fan of the saying Keep your side of the street clean. It has got me through a lot of moments where I wanted to air my dirty laundry. But, grrrrrr…..it is so frustrating!

  •  What are my priorities at the moment?

My number one priority is to keep my children safe and well. This includes finding a home which is right rather than a home which is just almost there. Continuing with my study and ongoing tasks rank right up there as well.

  • What do I love about my self?

I love the way that I am soft edges and yet firm in my approach. I am honest, caring and loving, but I don’t suffer fools gladly. Tenacity and a competitive spirit, which means I will keep going until I figure it out (whatever it is) to the best of my ability. I love that I am always learning, and this is such an important skill for me in all areas of my life. Also my eyes. I love my eyes.

  • Who means the world to me & why?

My children, because there is no-one else who would be able to drive me to distraction and yet give me a squidgy cuddle and the whole troubling situation is set to rights! I love them unconditionally.

I have 7 people in my most close group. They are who I call my 3am friends. Have you ever had one of those nights where the darkness is all-consuming? Since having these friends I have never needed to make that call, but I know they are there, as I am for them. This isn’t the only reason I love each and every one of them, but they know I adore them.

Sir… Sir has given me so much. For such a long time he was the candle that illuminated my world, even when he wasn’t in contact. Now he has given me the candle and I can light my own world while he is unable to do that for me. I look forward to the time I can hand it back to him. Not because I am unable to hold it for myself, but because I love the way that I can brighten his world better with both hands free.

  • If I could share one message with the world, what would it be?

Honesty is the best policy.

  • What advice would I give to my younger self?

Trust your intuition.

  • What lesson did I learn this week?.

If you don’t try you won’t know if you can. If you do try you may surprise yourself!

  • If I had all the time in the world, what would I do first?

Go for a swim in the sea.

  • Whats draining my energy?

Running over 20 miles a week and not fuelling up properly.

  • What does my ideal morning look like?

Ahhh, the boys would get ready to go when they are asked. And I would not have to stand on my doorstep waiting for them rather than losing my temper.

  • What does my ideal day look like?

Fresh air, open spaces and smiling children (just mine, my ideal day does not include looking after other people’s children!) It is likely there would be a picnic too, one that the boys helped me to make. Then two tired boys in bed on time so I can relax with some smut.

  • What makes me come alive?

Swimming in the cold sea, or spending time in wide open spaces.

  • What/who inspires me the most?

My children, Sir and the woman I used-to-be all inspire me to be the best I can be.

  • Where does my pain originate?

This post gives you a good idea of where things started.

  • What are my strengths?

I am tenacious, strong-willed and loyal.

  • What is something I’ve always wanted but too scared to get?

The fear of not being good enough has stopped me from training for and entering a marathon and triathlon. I have a plan for the marathon, and this is tied up with a task. And I have plans afoot for tri training once I am safely through the marathon.

  • What is something I would love to learn?

Danish.

  • Where would I want to live my ideal life?

I haven’t seen enough of the world to answer this one, but I know that I have never felt I have roots anywhere. Germany, Belgium, Holland and Denmark are all places that intrigue me, but that is just where I am wondering about recently.

  • Where would I like to travel in the next 5 years?

As above, I feel drawn to Germany, Holland, Belgium and Denmark. Really though, anywhere that I can find a cheap flight and accommodation which fits in with my children.

  • What can I do to take better care of myself?

I can get more sleep. I would also like to eat better.

  • What hobbies would I like to try?

Triathlon, boxing, wing walking (is that really a hobby?)

  • When have I done something that I thought I couldn’t do?

Most recently I completed two climbs at the bouldering gym, but before I went along I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete half of the easiest one. Over the last 4 years my world has been made up of achieving things I didn’t believe I could do. It is amazing what you can achieve when you have the right mindset, or the right person to teach you how to sail through the fog.

  • At the end of my life, what do I want my legacy to be?

I want people to see me as someone who had a lot of love to give out. That I was a tenacious achiever who began life as a starter and flourished as a completer. Also that I was a kind person who raised wonderful children and inspired them to be the best they can be.

Here are my nominations:

Fetcetera

Be gentle with you

The Secret Aspie

Curious Clitty

From The Desk of G. Cougar Burt

Exposing 40

A little sass.

A Barbarian in Gentlemen’s Clothing

Success Inspirers World

Revenge Of Eve

Tiarra Talks

Happy view
A wonderful view taken for and sent to a very special person on the other side of the world last night. This view makes me feel alive and free!

Happiness – Inside My Head was first posted on A Leap Of Faith.

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Never lose your sense of wonder.

Smallcombe rocks 2/7/18

A wide open wonder land, I am always astounded by the beauty of Dartmoor. 

In the spirit of achieving my Tits out tor bagging challenge I took advantage of the good weather on monday and ticked another five points of interest off of the list. Haytor is a particularly popular spot on the moor, and the surrounding countryside was quite busy. I’m glad I did this one before the holiday makers all arrive in a couple of weeks!

I had intended to share them for #Boobday but have just noticed the time. That’s what happens when you sit around chattering to a good friend over dinner. As I haven’t gone to bed yet I am still going to count it as friday, and share away. And a second post for my scavenger hunt.

Never lose your sense of wonder was originally posted on A leap of faith.

3

TMI Tuesday: 19th June 2018

woman carrying baby at beach during sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

1. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still have that same worry or feel the same about it at this minute?

Five years ago I was heavily pregnant with a child I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to love or care for. My first birth was followed by 3 years of not liking my son, and this surprise pregnancy brought back a lot of those feelings of inadequacy and fear. Add onto that P had decided we were going to find out the sex of the baby, and upon discovering we were having another boy repeatedly made the points that he had a wanted a girl, he was deeply unhappy that I was growing a boy and I probably should have had that abortion he had suggested at the start of the pregnancy. (He is a real charmer)

Five years later and my fears have been proven unfounded. I didn’t experience postnatal depression second time round, and though there have been very challenging times I have removed the highly toxic P from my life (as much as possible) and found a strength of character which is proving to be more than good enough for raising two lovely little boys.

2. Do you have a positive or negative body image? What factors contribute to your self body image?
a. advertisements
b. media and social media
c. comments from others
d. introspection and analysis of self

I finally believe I have a positive body image. I see my body for what it is, and I am proud of what my body can do. Over the last five years I have gone from loathing my body to being fairly ambivalent about it. Just in the last year (from my heaviest last October to a healthier weight now) I have come to really appreciate certain parts. My breasts were the last part, with everyone else having the perfect shape or size and mine being, well, different. Following tasks from an exasperated Sir, and some great photos I have realised that when I say “all breasts are beautiful” that can include mine too. So much so that I even got fitted for a bra two weeks ago! Got to love Sir’s tasks and a spot of self-counselling.

Sadly, no amount of people telling me they like my breast, bum eyes or [insert preferred body part] has helped me in this journey. I have friends and lovers who enjoy my body, and sir has always been appreciative. But he has set tasks so that I can accept myself in my own time. And as my confidence has grown in my body so has my appreciation of it, and my willingness to look after it.

I have been a bit frustrated at the media and certain apps, one called My perfect body which allows you to shape and mould your photos to create the “perfect” shape. It makes me worry for the next generation. I may have downloaded it and had a go…

3. How confident are you as a person?
a. no confidence at all
b. confident around friends and family
c. confident at work, and in my job
d. very confident in my surroundings–work, social settings, with strangers

I have a quiet confidence which I find useful in most situations. From meeting strangers, to public speaking and with people who I know well. Strangely it is the people I know a little but not well who I feel shy around. Perhaps with strangers I can have the walls up, and those I’m close to have already found the secret hiding place for my spare door key. Those in the middle ground are, perhaps, more risky? Who knows…

4. How creative a person are you? Why?
a. not creative
b. average creativity
c. creative in some situations
d. very creative

When it comes to food I am very creative, particularly with store cupboard staples. Otherwise I rely on reflection or academia (writing) and patterns or pictures to copy (drawing and crafty things) I’m happy with my level of creativity.

5. Do you resent things being uncertain and unpredictable? Why?
a. agree
b. undecided or Don’t Know
c. disagree

I can find uncertainty challenging, but resent predictability.

Bonus: What do you wish you had invented?

LEGO TAPE!!!!!

Click the link to see what other people have to say:

TMI Tuesday blog

 

2

Sinfully spread for sinful sunday

Originally posted here.

I’m actually quite fond of my pussy. I like the way that I can drive myself insane with touch. I also like the way that it can send men a little bit crazy…

When Sir was learning my body through physical contact and video clips there was also a large amount of self discovery occurring.

Watching porn as a youngster I always worried that my voluptuous lips were hideous, not helped by the regular taunts from P about my “fat fanny.” It’s amazing what a little self acceptance, and self love can do. And I do love this part of my self.

Regularly!!

Click the lips to see what everyone else is up to.

Sinful Sunday

 

31

A work in progress, but I can guarantee… I’m worth it.

DSC_4156-01

My breasts in the spotlight.

Underneath a bold exterior lies a fragile confidence. My breasts come to the back of the line for that confidence for so many reasons but… Sir is encouraging me to see things differently, a recent blip triggered a very challenging task…

It must be a challenge for him to see me take the occasional step back but I am a work in progress. 

Aren’t we all?

I adore the shape of my breast and nipple in this picture. 

Photo by Urbstract Photography

Sinful Sunday

 

30

Most of all, differences of opinion are opportunities for learning.

person standing near lake
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

M and I were getting along really well, but there was something that made him deeply uncomfortable.

He loved the fact that I enjoyed kinky sex, but my submissive nature made him a little bit cross. Power exchange was never something that I required of him, we were equals on all fronts, but on occasion I would do something that would anger him and it wasn’t until I pinned him down and demanded he talk to me about the problem that we could start to work on a solution. There was one time when he had a tight back, and as I was sat on floor by his feet I automatically went to put on his socks. I did not see that as a submissive thing, more just helping someone I cared about with something they found tricky. He snatched the socks from my hand and marched off to his bedroom to put his own socks and shoes on. Throughout my marriage behaviour like this (anger!!) would have made me quake in my boots, but I was different now, more confident, and this was M. I had no reason to fear him, though he did confuse me sometimes.

I gave him some time to calm down, and asked him why he had reacted the way he did.

It then all came tumbling out. How during our blossoming friendship he had initially enjoyed the fact that I was owned, but now that we were together he didn’t want or need that responsibility. Being my dominant was not what he had signed up for and it made him feel very uncomfortable to think I wanted him to behave that way. I had to stifle a giggle at that point, he could never have known that I did not expect or desire that from him either. So I explained to him that none of the things that I did would ever mean I wanted him to be my Sir, my owner, my dominant. He was my lover, my friend, my equal. And while I felt that a D/s relationship could include all of those 3 parts, my relationship with him did not include the power exchange and sadomasochism which I would associate with a D/s relationship.

  • This man I loved was gentle, scatty and a little bit flakey!
  • The Dominant that I loved was demanding, organised and driven.

I adored all of those things about both of them, but they were two entirely different men. And with sir away for the foreseeable future (I had no idea if I would ever see him again) I had no desire at that time to look for a similar relationship elsewhere.

This conversation marked a turning point in our relationship.

He became noticeably more relaxed, and didn’t fly off the handle when some part of my submission emerged. He tried his best to take it in the spirit I intended it, and kindly told me if something made him uncomfortable, and I tried to make sure I didn’t behave in a way that put him on edge. Not through fear of the consequences if I upset him, as I had been with P, but more out of a mutual respect for our different life experiences and expectations. By having the confidence to challenge the negative feelings brought about by our different opinions we learnt more about each other and grew as a couple.

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2

The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.

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The day had arrived. I was prepared, physically and mentally.

Work was done, the boys were with their dad and I was heading west for “The biggest & best Kink night in the South West !!” I was beyond nervous, but knew that if I didn’t keep pushing myself forward I would start to pull back into my shell again, like a Tortoise. I had no desire for that to happen. When I arrived in the town I ended up driving round in circles in the one way system. It took me three attempts to find the correct road and car park, but perhaps unsurprisingly I hadn’t noticed the club. fetching my rucksack from the back seat I noticed a familiar person. LTM was walking out of the car park so I hurried to catch up. He walked me round and introduced me to the friends he was meeting at the door. Joining the queue I was directly behind someone I had been chatting to about rope, with the potential for him to tie me up. He was shy so I would have to ask.

As I moved toward the door the nerves and sick feelings gave way to calm resignation.

I had arrived, the queue behind me blocked any chance of escape and beyond the door lay a new world. As the door swung open I was greeted by three familiar smiling faces plus the venue owners. I was given a locker key and directions to the changing space but I couldn’t make my way through the crush of people so I stopped to chat with MT first. As he had been there early he had managed to hire a private room, and offered me to use it to change and store my bits. Accepting his offer I got changed in privacy and comfort, gathered my thoughts, took a deep breath and stepped  out to join the tour for newcomers to the venue.

There were four floors of kink to explore, with a hot tub, sauna, steam room and showers, as well as a social space, a dark dank dungeon space, and a larger play space at the top…

The large play space had a demonstration stage and a Fucking Machine.

MsD had told me she was taking it, and I would be welcome to try…if I wanted to. Less of a request, more of a cheeky challenge.

But would I?

Could I?!

What do you think? By the time the demos had started the main space had filled up. One woman tried it briefly, then another for longer. I was watching the action from the side, wanting to go up but not wanting to… When the second lady climbed down from the stage I looked up and MsD was asking who was next. Catching her eye I was still humming and ahhing when she crooked her finger at me and smiled with eyes that said “You know you want to.” Fuelled by nothing more than Diet Coke my inhibitions melted away. I wanted to do this, and I was damn sure that I would. So with an audience I stepped up onto the stage and stripped from the waist down, got into position and settled down for another completely new experience. I giggled an awful lot, and mostly rested my face in the cushion on the stage, but being watched over by so many people was quite a thrill. With SL by my side, matching my giggles with respectful humour as his Mistress attempted to get his new friend to give in and climb off, I discovered new reserves of confidence.

I didn’t orgasm on the machine but it did wet my appetite.

I knew full well that this wasn’t going to be the last time I used one, though I had no idea when or where the next time would be. MT introduced me to his group of friends, and a little later on he had asked if I would like him to cane my feet. He wanted to show her what he could do, and he also wanted to make sure I had a good time. Of course, I agreed! And he did a very good job caning my feet solo. He also used his tawse on my soles and on the palms of my hands, which felt delicious. Tr and CC were also on hand to make my evening a great one. CC giving me advice on foot protection when the heels had to come off (pop socks) and Tr making calming conversation when I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the noise, heat and throngs of people.

That night some of my friendships within the community became established.

As the night went on I chattered to so many new people, respectfully asking about things that were going on that I had never seen before, such as needle play. Seeing the variety of outfits and implements opened my eyes to so many more possibilities. Much of what I saw that night I had seen in porn, some had been used on me in person, but to see all of these other people like me enjoying their kinks publicly was amazing. And all of the beautifully different shapes and sizes of my fellow revellers triggered a change in me. I had learnt that Sir enjoyed my body, and he had helped me to be confident in my own skin with him and myself. Now though I could see the wonderful diversity, not all the traditional beauties you would see on kink.com but so much more. Men, women and everyone in between. Outfits ranging from latex to lingerie to leather, all-black to brightly coloured.

There was space for everyone, and that included me.

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3

Life shrinks or expands, in proportion to one’s courage

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Up until this point my experiences had all been private.

My online presence could only be described as “lurking.” Now though I had decided to get out and about to events when I was available. My visit to the couple had been planned as a step towards this goal, and now that I knew the couple hosting a club night I felt I really wanted to attend. It was still a huge step so I found a sunday afternoon event which looked friendly. Kink and Cake was held at Studio Onyx and looked lively. Having a look at the profiles of the others listed as going I decided that I would send some messages in advance. The lady from the couple, MsD, was going to be there, and I spotted another profile where the owner had just posted a writing about his first experiences of events, making friends and finding his fit. He put some things that helped him in meeting new people, including this:

Here’s another tip… Well….I think it rings true at least… Be interesting, learn an oddball skill, find something you like and get better at it, I make whips, they aren’t too bad and I’m getting better at it and with them, but they make a great conversation starter as does so many other things!

I may not be able to make whips but I sure as hell can bake so I left a little comment thanking him for the writing and that I was going to take my own conversation starter in the form of cake. He replied later with encouragement to attend, recommending that I just be myself and people will respect that.

The next day I had a private message from him.

He had noticed that my first event would be Kink and Cake, that he would be going and that he was looking forward to meeting me. It was a friendly crowd, and they had welcomed him with open arms. All I had to do now was ask myself those two questions:

  1. Is it safe?
  2. Do I want to?

The answer to both was YES so now all I had to do was be brave. That sunday came round quickly, and I made a raspberry cake where the topping was made of icing sugar and raspberries blitzed together. With the ripeness of the fruit the icing was almost fluorescent pink.

If I had wanted to spark up conversation this was certainly one way to do it!

I walked in to the venue and popped my cake down on the table, suddenly there was a group of people cooing at the cake and chattering with me. The hosts made me welcome and introduced me to some people, MsD came downstairs from the playspace and introduced me to her slave SL (he quickly snaffled the first of his three slices of cake) and then the whip-maker Trautaruan (Tr) arrived with his play partner CC. There were so many people there, and everyone made me feel welcome. I chatted half of the afternoon away and ended up deep in conversation with a male sub (MT) and a foot fetishist (LTM) about bastinado. MT quite fancied learning a little more in his switch side and LTM had the skills, equipment and enthusiasm.

I had the feet so off we went upstairs, a merry trio.

LTM had a little rubber paddle and a pin wheel, and after I reclined fully clothed on a bench with my feet in some stirrups he took my right foot, showing MT how and where to hit me. They swapped back and forth with the paddle and as MT struck my left foot LTM would run the pinwheel over my right sole, stretching my toes back. They were working on my feet for what felt like half an hour and the pleasure was quite something, my body was responding in the usual way with pleasure tingles spreading like fireworks up my legs… Only this time the effort on my soles was relentless, the sensations were overwhelming and the tingles joined at my apex causing a totally unexpected orgasm.

An orgasm with no genital stimulation… I thought that was the stuff of legend….

The orgasm was a surprise and the fact that I had been fully clothed and not in a sexual situation threw me completely, would I be able to accept that I had reached orgasm through pain? I didn’t know, but at that point I decided not to think about it as it was too much of a challenge. I went back to socializing and chatting, the orgasm was a sign that I was very comfortable in the company of these new people. I had always believed I was socially inept, and during my marriage had been so isolated that I hadn’t been able to challenge myself to become confident in myself. Sir had worked hard to show me that I had every right to be confident and now, in his absence, I was able to reap the rewards of his labour. I even made plans to meet up with a couple of them at the Fetish club a couple of weeks later, and many of the people I met that day have become firm friends.

I drove home and went to the beach, where I admired my puffy soles and soaked up the early evening sunshine.

I had done it!

I had gone to my first munch, I had pushed myself hard and come out stronger. 

Life shrinks or expands, in proportion to one’s courage was first published on A Leap of Faith.

 

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My only requirement for life is that I don’t get stuck in a rut.

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Though there was sadness at not being owned, I understood and accepted the turn of events.

If wanted to make the most of my life and not be stuck at home wallowing in the what ifs I had to get going. I knew that I wasn’t looking for a new dominant, I wasn’t ready for that, but I did want to get out and meet new people, make friends with fellow kinksters who I would be able to explore with. There were events on Fetlife which interested me, but I was shy of going along on my own. I had no idea what others on the local scene would be like, or how they would react to a new female submissive entering their midst. Hindsight is a wonderful thing….

I spent a little time getting to know people on Fetlife. 

One of the first people I had been interested by was a rigger and photographer about an hours drive from me. I had liked some of his pictures, and we had been in vague contact since. He and his wife were quite well-known in their local community and were in the process of relaunching a fetish event local to them. I sent the event page a message asking about it, and wondering how safe it would be for a single submissive woman to attend on her own. As I knew no-one I was rightly nervous. I received a reply very quickly and after a little back and forth we arranged that I would go to meet the pair of them one sunday afternoon. My visit to their home would be sandwiched between her slave cleaning her home, and her son being dropped off mid afternoon.

I was nervous about meeting this couple, even though it was just for tea and a chat.

I needn’t have been though. They were so welcoming, and they made an excellent cup of tea….or should I say truth serum! As we chattered away, sharing kinky ideas and experiences, I may have let slip a few things that would bite me. She needed to go shopping, but suggested he and I have a play, as we were both getting along well. Nothing too intense, just a little fun. I thought that sounded great, and with time on my side we ran through my limits. I took my clothes off while he got some bits and pieces together, and before I knew it I was blindfolded, hooded, collared and handcuffed. Over the next hour or so, I was brought to within a moment of orgasm a number of times (NEVER mention to A Dom/me couple that you fancy more orgasm denial), made to gag and drool like a good girl, and teased with the taste of him on my lips…

Then things took a different turn

While I was seated on my bottom I was released from the cuffs, gag and collar. The jangling of metal, the snap of it around my wrists, then neck, and finally ankles…I was stuck…utterly stuck… His voice, so full of praise just minutes earlier, commanding me to roll onto all fours.

 

Images from Hogtied.com to show the device.

I’m not sure who thought it was funnier, me or Him, but I wish there had been a camera…so undignified…but entertaining those with whom I play is a thrill, and it was so much fun! A moment that will stay with me for a long time to come. Then the serious stuff came. It was time for my feet and cheeks to receive some attention. While my feet turned to tingling blocks on the ends of my legs, and my bottom started to sing with the whip, I heard another woman’s laugh, and I knew that the Mistress of the house was home, and approved of my predicament. And the biting of my soles after he had thrashed then, new realms of pleasure to explore.

How had I never known my feet were an erogenous zone, and each and every time they are battered and bruised it becomes clearer that this is the case…

When asked how I felt in that moment, bound and beaten, with my face crushed into the carpet, I responded ‘liberated.‘ I find the freedom to be me, just me, when I’m at my most vulnerable. It was such a pleasure to meet this couple, and I don’t believe I have ever tasted such a delicious cup of tea as the one I had while trembling on their comfy chair, floating back to earth through the post-play haze. With Sir and my other experiences up until this point, I had accepted that my kinks were a part of me. I felt that now I would be learning where I fit into the world of kinks.

My world was changing, and I wasn’t going to let myself get stuck again.

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I’m not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship

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I was looking at the world through a new pair of eyes.

Having spent much of the last two years under the watchful gaze of Sir it was strange to see the whole kinky world opening up before me in a new way. He had helped me to see the person that I was in a positive light, a way that I was unable to during my marriage. I had begun to accept that my kinks and fantasies were safe to explore, as long as I didn’t cause any harm or upset to others. I had also had enough time to get up to mischief that I had identified risks, and as a parting gift from Sir he had given me a whole range of safety guidelines so that I was in a better position to get home safely after meeting new people.

With my restrictions lifted I was free to do as I pleased.

When sir had disappeared, due to his accident, I was unsure whether I was being tested or had been dropped like a hot potato. It was a distressing and confusing time. Coupled with the total collapse of my marriage I had no idea whether I was coming or going, and went into a spiral of self-destruction and didn’t pay much heed to my safety or who I was meeting. This time I knew that he wanted me safe and that he would be back in contact at some point. If he didn’t care even a little bit he wouldn’t have left guidelines or asked if I would like him to be in touch again; funny how it took him leaving for me to realise that he thought of me as more than just a plaything.

That realisation gave me confidence that I had been struggling with.

My confidence had been battered over the years that I was married, and over the time since I had moved my P out his behaviour had been causing a dripping tap effect. He had systematically isolated me during our marriage, except for permitted friends and family, and after I moved him out he spread all sorts of lies and nonsense to those people. I was left with no friends, bar the ones I had been making through kink, and my family put distance between us. They would say they were there for me but, it wasn’t until I discovered what stories had been made up about me that I was able to start rebuilding those family bonds. After I had approached the health visiting team and then social services over concerns for my children I had been put on the waiting list for talking therapy, to help me build up my self worth once more.

Just before sir left I had been given a date to meet a lady called Rachel.

The woman who greeted me in the waiting room was kind and accepting, but more than that…. she had an air of dominance about her; I’m not sure if it was her dress, posture or mannerisms but I felt really at ease with her.Whether she was a fellow kinkster or not, during my 18 sessions with her I felt safe to talk to her about all levels of my life, without fear of repercussions. In that little room I cried and laughed, talked and clammed up. She encouraged me to think about my life as a bowl of spaghetti, and her job was to help me straighten out the strands. All she would do is ask me questions, and I would spew the contents of my brain out. It was with her I named the relationship I had with P as abusive. I had always thought of myself as a bright woman, and didn’t understand how I could have been so stupid, so blind!

I started to learn that I was a good mum, and that I could manage life in general.

My time in that room with the incredible Rachel gave me a way of translating the strength I had found with sir in my kink life into a vanilla resilience I had never known as an adult. I learnt about my past, discovered things that made me tick at the time and planned next steps for weekly goals and longer term plans. At times I was scared of the changes I made, but for the most part I was excited to continue growing as a woman and learning to sail my own ship in my own way.

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