It’s Elust 118

Elust 118

Elust 118 Header of My controlled ascent

Photo courtesy of My Controlled Ascent

Welcome to Elust 118

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #119? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I have daddy issues

Processing Emotions about Polyamory

Mirror Masturbation

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

V is for view

Not Alone

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Negotiating “NO”

 

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Tension

Erotic Non-Fiction

BDSM for Beginners
My first time being co-topped
The power of touch

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Hear My Confession
Avengers Assemble
#30DayOrgasmFun: Tapping Out

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

How I Started Moving Past Old Hurts
#AtoZChallenge -X is for XXX
Vanilla date #1: Incompatible-Awesome
Confessions of an unruly slave

Writing About Writing

Relying on Email More Than Social Media

Erotic Fiction

His turn in the shower
Sharp Beauty
Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun
Oxana, With Love
Sixty Nine Steps
Glorious garden fuck
Actually, that’s what the dog-whip is for

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Don’t ask us to watch you wank for free.

 

 

Elust

About 

The Editor-in-Chief of Elust and better known to the rest of the world as Mollyxxx

Eroticon 2019: My Ten things

Picture shows the handle of a hand made flogger made from black and green paracord. This was one of the lessons I learned at Eroticon with thanks to kinkcraft

From one thing, know ten thousand things.

Ok, so Eroticon is my one thing, and my brain has been filled with ten thousand other things.

When I found this quote for my title I initially intended it as a tongue in cheek reference to how full my brain is following the conference. However, in an effort to narrow it down to the top ten things I learnt, it has become clear that I wasn’t far off. No matter, I shall break it down as best I can.

The following are in no particular order, and are definitely not a conclusive list.
  • The first session I attended on the saturday was with KinkCraft. It was important for me to find a space to relax a little and I love making things, so where better. Last year I made a flogger from speaker cable. The sensation it produces is delicious, but the handle is pretty is pretty awful. I am so excited to now know how to work with paracord to make a nice handle. As luck would have it I even have matching colours in my kinky-crafting storage box.
  • I learnt that objectification works both ways. Sunday morning saw me with a huge dilemma. Each of the three rooms had a talk that I wanted to go to, but I had to choose one. After much deliberation I decided on Fetish.com and their talk “Launch your Pocket Rocket! Time to monetize your content” This was solely based on my need to wake up gently, and the men hosting this talk certainly offered that. However, not only was there sleepy-head cerebral porn on offer, there was also a lot of new and exciting content for me. I came away feeling that I may be able to make my little corner of the world at  least pay for itself, plus an occasional caffeine hit.
  • Sometimes it is possible to make the wrong choice of talk though, and one of my chosen presentations I found quite difficult to relate to. Come Curious are fun, beautiful and sassy ladies with an unmistakable brand. They are certainly high-profile, and represent some great ideas. I hope they pave the way for future generations of the sex-positive community, but with the way society is at the moment being out and proud isn’t always an option. I’m glad that I stayed for this talk though, some distressing and inspiring stories from my fellow delegates brought us all closer together. I think we all learnt something during “Public ejaculation: When you put your face on your sex work.”
  • I met Zak Jane Keir on the book stand at BBB last last November. I had no idea who she was at the time, but after I purchased the Dice Writing book we got talking about Eroticon, and she told me she would be doing a workshop on dice writing there. I knew then that I would be attending, even if it meant missing something else I might find useful. (It did, but it was totally worth it!) I had tried to write using the book since buying it, but put it away again, knowing full well that I would find it easier to immerse myself following in-person tuition. I wasn’t wrong! Not only did I learn so much from her, other delegates (braver than me) read snippets of their work to the group and showed me how serious and/or nonsensical I could be. I can’t wait to start putting things into practise.
  • “Procrastination is a habit of fear.” One of the most valuable sessions for me was Kayla Lords’ How to reach your goals when you have no time to work on them. I have had some intensive training around goal setting, and it is something I consider a strength. I am also pretty good at getting the work done, when I figure out that I don’t need to wash the garden gate or defrost the freezer… It was amazing to see someone so passionately discussing their goals and the minute changes that they had to make to their day in order to start winning big. But the sentence that stood out is the quote she used about procrastination. It has been helpful in my recent assignment, to a point, and I have shared it with a wonderful friend who has been doing a cracking job painting her woodwork. Thank you Kayla for sharing your experiences and inspiring me. (Though I am putting off my time audit. I wonder if I’m scared of what I will find?!)
  • Something that follows on quite nicely from here is Molly and Michael taking on the subject of Looking at your blog with a critical eye. I know that I have a lot of work to do to bring my corner of the world up to speed. It got battered in June when WordPress archived me, and then my blog took a back seat while I licked wounds. Since getting my head into gear again I realised the amount I need to do, but didn’t have the faintest idea where to start. This session was immediately helpful. Along with Kayla’s30 minute rule, and a series of bullet point lists (Who doesn’t love a list) I think I will be able to achieve everything in time for this years “top 100” lists, and give myself a fighting chance of being included. Making one small change with each post (ALT description on pictures is my choice) sets me up with a winning mindset…
  • But once I have set aside 30 minutes, and critically appraised (and fixed) my blog I need to have something else ready to go. Thank you Girl on the net for your amazing talk on building traffic. She made it look so easy, and using her basic steps it really is, but I have to remember that GOTN has been working hard at this for a lot of years, and patience is the name of her game. Plus #journorequest (I’m not sure I’m ready for it this month, but it doesn’t stop me browsing)
  • Dessert and Readings on sunday afternoon was a steamy affair. Not only did I get to it peacefully and enjoy some smut, but I was able to put voices to people whose writing I have enjoyed for the past year. Victoria Blisse, who I later met on the book stall, and Bibulous One both had me particularly squirming in my seat. Having been unsure whether I would enjoy being read to, I have realised I am a complete convert and want smutty bedtime stories about pain and pleasure… No need to be in my own head.
  • The trade stalls were great to chat with during moments when I needed to walk and chatter rather than sit and listen, and I wanted to say a special thank you to someone who has cleared up a long standing wondering of mine. Claire from ElectraStim not only made my day when she let me play with her demo kit (estim has been a long term favourite but somewhat absent friend) but she also patiently discussed an odd rope query I had re bondage and large lobe holes. She will likely never know how chuffed I was to be able to have this chat with someone, and to be able to go away with the confidence that (should I find a playmate with twin lobe hoops I can probably make up some mischievous predicament for them. If I can involve an Electra Stim Axis then all the better.
  • Boobday is a meme I have been taking part in for some time now. I have always had a tempestuous relationship with my breasts, but through (excessive?) sharing of my breasts I have come to appreciate that mine can be just as sexy as everybody elses. I was so excited to see tweets flying around about a group picture, and was over the moon to find out there was time to spare before dashing for my train home. My final memory of Eroticon, captured by the wonderful woman behind Focused and Filthy my final lesson from Eroticon is that boobs are much more fun with friends!
Three rows of breasts on display for a boobday group shot at eroticon 2019
Photo credit: Focused and Filthy
Eroticon 2019 Attending

#AtoZChallenge 2019 Tenth Anniversary badgeboob day meme

Eroticon 2019: My ten things was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Don’t let someone get comfortable disrespecting you.

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Photo credit: JerBear

If he wanted to see me cross all he had to do was stretch out in the sunshine, erection on display in all of its glory.

Since his behaviour two weeks before I had been nursing my hurt feelings, brooding. Not only had he topped me from the bottom, but he had bratted me. Neither were things I consented to. Bruised I’d withdrawn, and despite his advances I didn’t know how to move past it. The longer I waited the more he tried to seduce me. And the more he tried the greater the distance became. Talking hadn’t worked, he still thought that I would feel better if I would just let him fuck me but the power exchange lay in tatters.

I wanted him to understand how I felt, but couldn’t work out how.

Since switching roles things had become more complicated in my mind, confusing. And now he was laying on the kitchen bench, tight balls and straining shaft, and all I wanted was to put the shopping away and get started on dinner. Pulling things out of the bag I laid my fingers on the ginger, an idea started to form. Could he? Would he? catching his eye, I raised it, eyes brightening as I heard him gasp. “You wouldn’t…” he said. Smiling I reached into the drawer for the peeler. I knew full well that this piece was as fresh as it would be, and that would make the intense pain last longer.

“I can’t take that Miss, It’s too fat. You know I’m not stretched”

The way Miss fell from his lips… The fear that made his voice crack, just a little bit. My cunt twitched. “Don’t worry about that boy, I’ll be peeling it , I can trim it to fit…  but not too much. I want to see you squirm” and with that I reached into the drawer by my hip and withdrew the peeler and a paring knife. As I whittled away at the knob his eyes grew wider. His pride and joy began to lose its smooth edges, withering slightly as he realised I wasn’t playing.  “You will learn not to disrespect me boy. If I didn’t think you could take this I wouldn’t be asking you to pull your knees up and show me your sweet little hole” Disbelieving eyes looked back at me, sweat blossoming on his forehead. The more fear he showed the wetter my pussy became. My cold, dry useless hole of earlier quickly becoming a dripping furnace of desire.

“I’m not lubed though Miss, and that looks fatter than your finger. Do you really think…?”

The words stopped abruptly as I edged closer, but he kept his legs down. “I can always grate it, stuff your foreskin and staple you closed” I suggested, with a sweet smile. Knowing full well that I meant every word he pulled his knees up as swiftly as the last of his hardness disappeared. Running a finger over his puckered opening I began to salivate. “Thank you boy” was all I could say before spitting on him, pushing first one finger and then a second inside him, and briefly fucking him roughly with them. Removing my dirty digits and replacing them with the ginger, as he silently screamed at the pain that threatened to overwhelm him I pushed those fingers into the gaping chasm that looked so inviting. “Clean them properly and I’ll have something else to distract you”. With my free hand I discarded my knickers and pulled up the skirt, running my ginger laced fingers over my own swollen sex, delving between my now puffy labia, seeking friction while I waited for him to finish showering my hand with adoration. Watching his pain, what he was taking for me…

Balance was restored… for now.

Masturbation Monday

 

Despite the forecast live like it’s spring.

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Photo credit to Urbstract Photography.

Today the sun was shining and my thoughts turned to spring.

The sun was shining and the sea looked so inviting as I ran along beside it. The cheeky wind reminding me that although spring is technically here, it is still in its infancy. Patience is required,though the daffodils and celendines danced in the gusting sea breeze.

The above photo was taken last may, when the sun shone and I walked naked beside the river.

A very public show of myself, and the first time I had braved naked nature with another person. The weather was perfect, I’m looking forward to feeling the warm breeze on my naked flesh again. I wonder what images I can create this spring? What words can be laced together with those images.

How different I am: physically and emotionally, as well as creatively.

Sinful Sunday

 

My legs are longer than my patience.

Photo credit: Popeye Images.

“Be there by 7.30pm, I will be there shortly before 7.45pm and I need you naked when I arrive.”

The message was accompanied by a dropped pin on google maps. It was quite a drive, and once I parked there would be a 20 minute walk. I would have to get a wriggle on if I was going to be ready and waiting for him. Fortunately the roads were clear, and as I walked up the hill towards the deserted pillbox the sun set behind me, the sky turning blood-red as the day reached its finale in a blaze of glory.

Dropping my bag, I peeled off the layers needed for the journey.

They were slightly damp and I cringed at the thought of putting them back on in a couple of hours when they had lost the heat from my skin. The chill air of an early winters evening would only be intensified by time, though the stiff breeze brought with it the scent of seaweed from the rocks below. The time was now 7.38pm and I was warm, glowing with the excitement of seeing him again. I paced around inside the building, arms folded across my body in an effort to maintain my temperature, though with the furnace burning in my loins I doubted the warmth would subside any time soon.

My phone chirped loudly over the gusts of sea breeze.

Frustrated with myself for not having it on silent I knew he would crest the hill as I checked. Keeping moving I tried to ignore the thought I had a message waiting. Five minutes passed, maybe more? I couldn’t tell… minutes feel like hours when you are naked in a pillbox on top of a cliff. My phone chirped again. Frustrated I delved into my bag, pulling the phone from my pocket with the sole intention of muting the sound. But the messages were from him.

“Stuck in traffic, not far behind you.”

Followed by:

“Crash and diversion. ETA unknown. Stay naked but keep warm”.

Folding myself down onto the steps in the lee of the pillbox I rested my bottom on my folded jumper. Waiting naked with my phone in hand I was now able to keep track of the time. Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty-three minutes passed… My excitement ebbed to sadness that he wasn’t with me, and then turned to frustration and a full-blown sulk. Where was he now? I surely couldn’t expect another message if he was following a police diversion around the twiddly lanes for locals. Flicking back to his messages…

“Stay naked but keep warm”

He never lets me play without permission, but the frustration became an erotically hot anger. Looking at the pillbox and seeing the walls where he would have planned to fold me and use me for his pleasure I imagined his fingers delving into me, pressing my hot wet folds apart and plunging one, two then three thick fingers into my slick, needy pussy. While his other hand pulled my nipple hard out eliciting a hiss from between my teeth those fingers kept up their steady rhythm, his thumb grazing my clit, toppling me over the edge while profanities tumbled from between my lips and my pussy gushed all over his hand. I was so wrapped up in the orgasm which ripped through me I could almost smell him, and as my eyes fluttered I thought I saw him. Giddy with lust I leant back into the wall, eyes closed and panting.

“Fffuuu…”I. Was

“We have discussed your swearing N” My mouth was no longer my own, opening my eyes I saw his cock bobbing in front of my face, felt his fingers delving in my mouth and brushing the back of my tongue until I retched. “And touching yourself is not allowed, you know this. You know better than that” Looking up into his eyes I found them dark with lust rather than anger, a smirk playing on his lips. Down went my gaze, I couldn’t look him in the eyes when he was telling me off. But as his erection came into view I noticed the globe of precum on his tip as it bobbed in front of me. For the second time that evening my patience failed me and my tongue snaked out to lick this treasure.

He groaned, and pulled his fingers from my mouth.

Without a moment to prepare myself he grabbed my hair and forced his shaft into my throat, already well lubricated from my gagging on his hand. He started his lecture, punctuated by thrusts. “Patience. Is. A. Virtue. My. Sweetgirl. No. Touching. Without. Permission. And. No. Swearing. It. Is. Not. Becoming.” And then he was coming, flooding my throat and mouth. Keeping my mouth open his cum dripped down my chin as he withdrew his waning erection, meeting with the tears that flowed from a combination of deep throating and the shame of needing educating. Scooping the fluids from my chin and chest he fed them to me. “Do I need to remind you about wasting my precious gifts to you?” His eyes twinkled as his cock twitched back to life.

It seems it wasn’t just me lacking in patience…

Masturbation Monday
February Photofest

 

My legs are longer than my patience was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Love your rage, not your cage. #24

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Rage against the Machine was a band who I first became aware of during my marriage. There is something missing from my world of music with the loss of them, and Take The Power Back is the way that I choose to remember them. It also seems to be relevant to my life and how I became the woman I am today. Through submission and kink I have been able to take my power back.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

If you love me let me know #19

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Tim Minchin is an absolute genius who can have me laughing until the tears roll down my cheeks, but he always makes me think. If you really loved me is no exception… I laugh because it is true! I would be upset if my future partner didn’t want to video me while I pee. And I have two flasks.

As it’s my blog, and I can make up the rules as I go I thought you might like to watch Tim Minchin’s UWA Address, 9 Life Lessons. On a recent check up with my GP we were discussing my wellbeing. I haven’t seen him for months and he was pleased to see me looking so well. He suggested I have a look at this video when life starts to feel a bit much. It is his go to motivational video. Needless to say I watched it. And it is a wonderful reminder of lessons I have learnt over the last few years. “Keep busy and try to make someone else happy.”

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

Too Much Information (Tuesday) may be harmful to your health.

Which animal listed below represents your true sexual self?
a. Chipmunk – cute and cuddly
b. Monkey – all about being mischievousness
c. Tiger – I’ve earned my stripes

Definitely tiger. I love my stripes, and purr like a big cat when I’m wearing them.
2. Your partner is in the mood for sexy fun and you are tired – what do you do?
a. Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.
b. Trade. You give me a massage… and we will see…
c. That would never happen!

I’ve only had this situation with my ex-husband, and that is an entirely different answer. I have also been overcome by tiredness when I haven’t felt the attraction.
3. Which of these sexual descriptive labels closely matches you?
a. Dominant
b. Submissive
c. Top
d. Bottom
e. Switch
f. Kinkster

G. Hedonist. If it isn’t fun… Though my sexuality is submissive.
4. Would you rather have your enemy eaten by a shark or die in an earthquake getting swallowed up by earth?

I’d rather they had to continue to live their awful lives in the knowledge that I don’t like them.
5. For the next year, would you rather be dressed like a mime every day OR look normal but not be allowed to talk?

I can’t stand having to choose what to wear, so dressing as a mime solves that issue.
Bonus: What’s the most beautiful word in the world?

I love the word Panacea. It sounds lovely and what could be more beautiful than a cure all?

Tiger stripes
As a tiger I’ve earnt my stripes
TMI Tuesday blog

Elust 109

Elust 109

May more Elust 109 Header image swiming naked in a pool
Photo courtesy of Sex Matters ~ May More

Welcome to Elust 109

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #110? Start with the rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A Picture Is Worth a 1000 Words
House Sitting
Shackles & showers

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Comfort Girl
A Pain in the Neck

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

An idea that didn’t slap me in the face

 

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

 

Erotic Fiction

Solicitation
Masks
Crescendo
The Key to Room 237: Freya – Part 1
Masked Woman

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Mad World
Be afraid…
“Good For Disabled People”
Why I Take Sexy Selfies

Erotic Non-Fiction

SOFT SEX – HARD SEX
Mating Megan
Alone
Face Slapping ~ a controversial issue?
Fuck toy
Lost Pleasure, Found

Thoughts & Advice on Kink and Fetish

Sometimes love don’t feel like it should
Submission

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Why Couldn’t I Just Ask for Lube?
Sensational
I panicked.
Coming in handy
P is for Polyamory
Racy Red

Poetry

-05.08.18_20:55-

 

 

 

 

 

Elust

About 

The Editor-in-Chief of Elust and better known to the rest of the world as Mollyxxx

Tricky TMI Tuesday: 7th August 2018

tricky_tmi

Tricky questions for this weeks TMI Tuesday. I guess that is the point, and maybe the fun?

1. Is falling in love effortless?

I don’t honestly know if falling in love is effortless. For me love seems to be a series of ways to torture myself. Perhaps the falling in love is effortless, but I have yet to fall in love with someone who can love me back in the way that I deserve? Oooh, tricky….

2. Is your significant other most like your mom or your dad?

My significant other is currently my Doxy…  I don’t think either of my parents resemble a sex toy so this one is the least tricky question…

3. Which parent do you identify with most?

Yesterday, while out for lunch with a friend, I was very grumpy because I couldn’t hear the conversation over the music. I may have turned into my dad momentarily when I asked the staff to turn the music down… I remember him being a bit grumpy with the volume of music from the music my brother and I would play in our youth. And I inherited his dry sense of humour and love of food; particularly Liver and Onion, mashed potato, mushy peas and pork pies…

4. What one thing are you lacking that you believe will make your life run smoother?

Currently, focus. I have been struggling with maintaining my focus recently due to a change in routine, the school holidays and now my boys being away for a long spell. My mind has run riot and I have forgotten to take care of the basics which has left me chasing my tail, low on energy and struggling for focus.

5. Which is sexier: constantly pushing the boundaries or playing by the rules?

I am a pleaser, I love having rules and thrive under a nurturing yet demanding Dominant. The sexiest thing for me is being pushed to break through my boundaries. But breaking the rules…no, definitely not sexy for me. Or attractive in any way shape or form.

Bonus: Do you think confessions make a relationship stronger?

I think that openness and honesty makes a relationship stronger. If you are open and honest there is no need for confessions, surely? Unless the confessions are hopes and dreams, fantasies and desires… but again, that goes under the heading of openness and honesty for me.

art beach beautiful clouds
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Click here to see what everyone else is up to:

TMI Tuesday blog

 

Tricky TMI Tuesday: 7th August 2018 was first published on A Leap Of Faith

The darkest hour is just before dawn.

Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. But it is those hours that make us who we are.

Disclaimer: This is one of the darkest times and therefore the hardest posts for me to get out of my head. I have made peace with so much of my past, but I am unhappy with my behaviour around this time. It also heralds the start of my complete emotional collapse and subsequent recovery. Needless to say I am not surprised it has taken me three weeks of procrastination to face these words.
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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The darkest of times were approaching, but Christmas was over and I had M home again.

I had collected him from the marina, and we had reunited physically as soon as the opportunity arose. We celebrated a joyful post-christmas with the boys and saw the new year in together. The next time I saw him, a week later, something was different. The warmth was gone, he was stiff and frosty. No matter, I thought, he must just be tired from work. My plans for a move were coming together, my work transfer was imminent and when I was home I was packing. Life was busy, but from my side life was good.

I was to work three days in Devon and stay with M for the two nights in the middle for the first 3 weeks in my new post, before I moved down with the boys.

The first week was lovely. The second week I woke up on the first night to M panting another woman’s name. It was disconcerting, and it played on my mind as the darkest hours slipped away and dawn arrived. I asked him about her over breakfast. He raged, accused me of snooping in his tablet and phone. I hadn’t, I wouldn’t, why would I have? I hadn’t fully trusted him, but I had alway thought that was because of everything I had been through with P. How could I trust anyone I was that intimate with?

After work he had calmed enough to have a decent conversation.

He told me how my accusation had made him feel, how hurt he was and how someone had snooped his phone before when he was less than trustworthy. It had made him angry to think I didn’t trust him “after all we have been through together”. I was sorry that I had made him feel like that, genuinely. My question had hurt him, come close to harming us. We went to bed, I curled up in his arms. Safe, content. Mostly….

It was a night when I could not sleep. Something wasn’t quite right…

So I got out of bed, slipped out of the room with his tablet and guessed his password. My heart in my mouth I went through it. His messaging apps had contact with women talking about intimate moments they had shared, since we had become a monogamous (at his suggestion) couple. His deleted files held pictures, more messages from women I knew, had talked with recently…

I hated myself straight away, knew that it was wrong.

I put the tablet down, went back to his arms and pondered while sleep eluded me. I now understand that we set our own bar in life, but at this point I was so beyond broken. M was my safe space and I adored him. I had broken his trust by going through his tablet, I could forgive him for his lack of honesty. My intuition had been right all along but now that I knew the truth I could let it go, we could carry on as we had been. I slept fitfully that night, the shame of what I had done will never leave me.

After a few hours of disturbed sleep I woke with M, we went about our daily business.

I returned home that night, collected my boys and put them to bed. That evening M didn’t answer the phone. The next evening he called me, asking if I had been through his tablet. Of course I lied, he hung up on me. I called him back, got a tirade of abuse all of which I had earned. He hung up on me again. A short text stating he didn’t want to talk to me. He would decide when he was ready to talk to me.

I could literally hear my heart shattering in the deafening silence that followed.

What followed was me trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but in the jumble of shards were piece of Ms deceit and Ps abuse. I had protected myself from the true extent of the abuse with the safety blanket of M and now I was alone to deal with all of the bad things that had happened, which were all my fault. After me breaking M’s trust and rifling through his private space the next thing that was my fault was my inadequacy as a wife. If I had been better at that he wouldn’t have abused the children, he wouldn’t have needed to rape me…

At the darkest moment my phone pinged.

It was my former manager, now training as a counsellor. A random message asking how I had been enjoying the start of 2017 so far. She was the first person I spoke to about my realisation. Very briefly I recounted how P had taken what he wanted from me while our infant slept on my chest. Two minutes later I had the rape crisis website on the thread. She wasn’t an expert in trauma (or anything at that point) but she was certain that if I called the help line I would be able to get some support. Three days later I called. I remember the gentle voice at the other end of the line even now, I spoke carefully. I didn’t think any of this was Ps fault, I knew that if I had been a better wife it wouldn’t have happened. As I was about to move counties I was given the contact details for my soon to be local support service. I emailed and waited, with instructions that I could call the national team back at any time.

M and I were soon talking again. He was to help me move, and though it was bitter-sweet I will be forever grateful for his support.

Over the months that followed I was able to turn the love that I felt for M into friendship rather than romantic attachment and I am genuinely pleased to have him as a friend and confidante. He soon got a new girlfriend, and he still hasn’t told me that it is the lady whose name he said in the middle of the night. Then again, I haven’t told him about all that I found. The months that followed were interesting, exciting and beyond scary… but those are stories for other posts. For now I am just pleased to get through this one.

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