(Almost) Everything Can Be A Dildo

Affiliate links have been used in this post. For more information please see my disclosure page.

The plan this morning was to sit down and write about everything Dildo, for Kink of the Week. Hell, I’ve got enough of them and wanted to showcase my current favourites, share a little about my discovery of them, discuss why they are so important in my world.

But then my smallest was unwell, so no chance of getting out a selection of my finest fucktoys. And then the gas board came to fill in one of the massive holes they’ve been working in outside my house and dig some more. Yes, I know, I know… They’ll be topping everything off with tarmac before long, and then my olfactory nerve will be stimulated, linking up with my cunt creating a desperate need to cum. And I’ll be stuffing my holes with a dong (or two) much like they’re packing out the chasm outside my home.

What’s a girl to do?!

Well, I didn’t need an excuse to delay my writing. And so I typed dildo into google, looking for inspiration as the sexy chitter chatter has been drowned out by heavy machinery. In between the results about The Dildo of Consequences and questions about sex toys there was a link to a meme page, with the link “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough“.

And while I agree, to an extent, I can not advocate for the use of Cacti dongs. Unless they’re replicas made crafted in bodysafe material.

What I can do is share a little about my creativity kink, and the desire to turn (almost) everything into a dildo.

It started towards the end of my marriage, when S tasked me to stretch daily. Having always had a fascination with the silly – as well as large insertions – but with the financial control at home beyond uncomfortable, it was necessary for this girl to get creative. Now, under D, I am thoroughly enjoying getting ridiculous with my daily task, sharing giggles as well as increasing my stretch.

What I’m going to share with you is some of the ways I use objects from around my house. This is not an advice page. While everything discussed on this page has been used as a dildo, please don’t rely on my anecdotes to guide you in this. If you choose to explore the silliness of turning (nearly) everything into a dildo then please proceed with caution.

According to Meriam-Webster a dildo is an object resembling a penis used for sexual stimulation. Well, maybe the shape is phallic, due to needing to actually be able to enter me. But, and especially with my household pervertibles, that is where the similarity ends.

Candles

While I am a fan of wax play, I have had an love of inserting candles that precedes dripping hot wax on my skin. As tapers were a readily available object in my home, it wasn’t uncommon for me to use these to stretch over time. I like being able to insert one, two, three, six, ten (optimistic!) and feel the pressure. It gradually increases with each new length, until I’m full as an egg!

Risks of candles are that they can be dirty, and they can also break inside of you. And while I have never had an negative reaction, that doesn’t mean you won’t.

Kitchen utensils

No, I’m not talking about the Kenwood Chef. Although, if you can insert one of those, good on you! (Please send photos, I’m a bit of a perv. 😉) For, me, the kitchen is a treasure trove of weird and wonderful sex aids. Whether that’s a condom clad rolling pin, a selection of wooden spoons (using the handles to slowly increase stretch, like the candles) or a whisk. (Spatulas and fish slices make great impact toys. As does the rolling pin, and chopping boards, or a frying pan. But has nothing to do with impact play and everything to do with creative dildo mischief.)

I have a specific rolling pin for anal, it no longer has a home in my kitchen. But it is made of wood, and wooden rolling pins are usually not sealed. Cross contamination is important to consider, as well as your body sucking up all of the lube and making it dry. Risking damage. My point? If considering diverting from body safe sex toys, then you must take into account the risks of any material.

Fruit and Vegetables

The banana was my first experience of fucking food. Followed by a mars bar and much later a courgette. I wasn’t a convert, and, as I came back to kink, food was a hard limit. I’ve stretched this over the last few years. Slowly incorporating food, taking myself further into playful enjoyment of something that used to cause fear.

While you can just nip to the fridge, pull out a carrot and start plugging away at yourself, it may not be wise. Do consider how safe it is to insert. Plants are natural products, often either soiled, or sprayed with chemicals. Sometimes both! And then consider how you will get it out. Vaginally, not such a problem, but anally… Do you really want to go losing a parsnip up there? And then there are the textures. When the courgette was used on me, it was without protection. Those are prickly little feckers, and I bore the consequences. I think this was my main reason for placing it under embargo. But since the desire to play with food hit, I’ve been using condoms on my lettuce and indulging in Cos play. As you do. (OK, as I do.)

Pool Noodles

I don’t know if pool noodles are a regular find in peoples homes, but I recently discovered the joy of fucking one. Being firm it holds up to vaginal spasms. It’s slightly squishy so offers feedback. The squish also means it’s easier to get in, and then when you let go it offers a wonderful sensation of filling. As is often the case, I used a condom on mine. The main reason being that it is foam, and foam will suck up all the joy juice it can find. (These things drip for day after a trip to the pool, I’m sure!) Also foam will hide nasties. Either from you, transmitting to the next swimmer to use it. Or imagine the chlorine from the pool.

Is everything suitable for being used as a dildo?

Obviously, the best things to use for satisfying your sexual urges are body-safe toys. Ones made specifically to fit/stretch. There are so many sites to choose from, it’s difficult to know where to start. Godemiche are a great place to start, or for a wider variety of oversized Dildos you could try a site like Bondara. (Not all of their range is body safe, but if you’ve any queries on materials the Bondara team are super helpful.) But sometimes life/finances/weird-senses-of-humour get you into trouble and suddenly a whole world of possibilities open up before you.

In response to the rather tongue in cheek nature of the meme, in my opinion, not everything is suitable. Yes, technically you could ride a cactus, but would you want to. As I’ve said before, it’s important to consider your own health and wellbeing. Looking after your body is so important, especially if you want to come back and explore more unusual sensations. For me this means I get through a fair few more condoms than I otherwise would. And my selection of larger fit condoms has been extremely useful! And I wouldn’t insert a glass bottle as how do you get it out if a vacuum is created. Nor would I insert knives, or cacti, or courgettes.

So, as you go around your house, looking for everything that could be used as a dildo – rather than getting carried away with your in-house toy shop – please be aware of the risks. And if (that’s a big, fat IF) you find something that could well work, then please look after yourself. (Or your lover.)