Recipe For Friendship: Six Steps To Success

Following on from my threesome where the sums didn’t add up, it is time for me to share another chapter with you, this time featuring more adventures with Dr Lovelace. Although she has been part of the blog for a long time now- here is her first mention– at this point in my timeline she hadn’t really featured. I was thinking about how our friendship developed, and how to write about it, when I saw the prompt for Wicked Wednesday is The Perfect Recipe. Well, as food is as much a passion of mine as kink I thought I’d have a go at combining the two. Somehow!

A recipe for the perfect friendship.

OK, I should point out at this point that my idea of a perfect friendship is almost definitely different to yours. Like all good recipes do consider your own preferences and adjust seasoning (or perhaps that should be reasoning) to taste.

Ingredients:

• You and one other person.
• Shared interest.
• Adventurous spirit. (Optional)
• Dietary needs.
• Laughter.
• Time.

Step-by-step instructions:

Step 1- Sourcing the other person.

Where you do this is very dependent on your lifestyle, interests and ability to get to know people. In this case, I had met Dr Lovelace in passing at my first play event. We had spent little pockets of time together, online mainly but not exclusively. We’d occasionally cross paths at munches, admire each others rope photos, and chat about experiences, I’d even been invited for dinner and rope at hers.

It was only a matter of time before she received an invitation for an evening of tie and dine. Or perhaps we would rename it as “Drink and kink”. (I should probably add here that the drink in question will almost exclusively be tea. Occasionally water.) However, over the years I have met friends online first, and then progressed to in-person meetings. And other times we will be exclusively internet based in our companionship. It is just important to ensure that there is some common ground between you.

Step 2- Discovering shared interest.

Where you meet your new friends will probably tell you what kind of shared interests you’ll have. Did you get chatting at the school gate or playgroup, perhaps you share a love of play parks. Perhaps you first saw each other at a coffee shop, regularly bumping into each other and striking up conversation about tasting notes and bean preferences. Or, in the case of Dr Lovelace and I, being put through our pain-paces (separately) at a play event may be an instant bond. Of course, we also have other shared kinks, but in these earlier days we had pain, rope, swinging, and creativity in common.

Step 3- What about the adventurous spirit?

I’ve suggested that having an adventurous spirit is optional. If you aren’t the kind of person who enjoys heading off on exciting journeys (whether internal or external) then you probably won’t need this. For me though, it’s an essential element. This doesn’t mean they need to be ALL about the explorations, but I won’t be standing still for long so having people who want to join me for the ride is perfect. I guess this is an extension of Step 2, finding your shared interest. Does Dr Lovelace share my adventurous spirit? You bet she does! Each of ours will manifest in different ways, but are very similar overall.

On this occasion, we had been working on a task for six days prior to her visit. I’d been tasked to get creative with a friend for seven consecutive days. Working with Dr Lovelace we decided to practise our artistic side, in the process learning to draw different things and creating art with bondage. Inviting her to dinner on the seventh day, we decided to create a different version of my Sir’s Slut and Slut’s Buddy photograph. She had learnt and enjoyed wax play, and our adventures would be an education for me in wax pouring. But that would have to wait until after dinner, because kink and hunger don’t go well together.

Step 4- Learn those dietary requirements.

Of course, if someone is coming to eat it is a good idea to learn what their dietary requirements are. Well, if you’re hoping they will return! Mine are simple, no prawns or olives, and this isn’t due to allergy, just an emotional intolerance to being anywhere near them. But not everyone is the same, and I don’t wish to cause friends’ suffering. I love being able to feed people (this is my love language!) and by doing this to their tastes it creates a recipe for success within the friendship. Even if you’re not going to be cooking for them, I would advise learning their tastes because, sooner or later, you’re likely to be getting food together and it’s better to know your new bunny is a devout meat eater before booking a table in your favourite vegan restaurant.

Step 5- Laughter

“If it isn’t fun, what is the point?” Sir said this to me very early on in our relationship. And there is always an undertone of dark, dry humour between us. Don’t worry, I know that feelings are there to be felt! As such I will always hold space for friends to experience those emotions with a safe friend at their side. But when building a friendship it’s a good idea, in my opinion, to ensure your sense of humour matches.

Over dinner (and copious amounts of tea) we discussed events, chatted about shared kinks and put the world to rights. All in good spirits with much laughter. The wax scene that unfolded after clearing the plates epitomised the fun and intense learning that makes up our friendship. We poured and dripped, enjoying our time at play until the final task for the week was complete.

Step 6- Take your time.

Time is a slippery character, something that is occasionally difficult to manage, find or share. It would be unreasonable to lay down expectations for how long this recipe should take to reach perfection, that is entirely individual. Not just how much of your time your friend would like of you. But how much time you need to keep for yourself, how much you have to share and finally the number of people you’re dividing it between. I can’t do the sums for you, but I can tell you it is trial and error.

Personally, I’m not too demanding of time. And as I don’t have a huge amount of my own to give I try to get creative with how I share it. Friends also know that if I need time for me (I’m an introvert, sometimes I need to withdraw and recharge) I will postpone plans, or evict people early. My expectation is that they will pay me the same courtesy and tell me what they need of me.

The evening spent with Dr Lovelace was a perfect example of time shared well. Through setting aside the evening (after my boys went to bed- this is what I mean about getting creative with how I share time) we enjoyed nurturing our budding friendship.

The recipe for friendship is so individual though.

While I wholeheartedly recommend taste testing my recipe, friendship is as individual as the people in it. While writing this post I’ve been reflecting on my circles of lovely people. For the most part this is how my friendships develop, underpinned by these six steps. However, shared interests vary greatly. Oddly, school-gate pals seem less inclined to be tied up and mind-fucked, though this isn’t always out of the question. And I am often surprised by new running buddies who randomly open up about their proclivities.

I’m sure, as I continue on with my tale, you’ll see more nights like this crop up.

My Recipe For Friendship Success is part of the story of how I became the woman I am today. The next post is Mischief Managed

Don’t fancy that? Perhaps you’ll enjoy my thoughts on Coffee, Tea and Non-Monogamy. (Spoiler, Dr Lovelace is very much a mug of chai!)

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As it’s a post for the perfect recipe, I hope you enjoy this offering- in honour of Dr Lovelace. (Courtesy of BBC Food)

Masala Chai

Ingredients

• 4cm/1½in cinnamon stick
• 6 green cardamom pods
• 1 tsp fennel seeds
• 250ml/9fl oz full-fat milk
• 2.5cm/1in fresh root ginger, peeled and roughly chopped
• 2 strong tea black bags
• 3 tsp caster sugar

Method

1. Put the cinnamon, cardamom and fennel seeds in a pestle and mortar. Crush to a coarse mixture.
2. Place the milk, ground spices, ginger and tea bags in a saucepan and bring to the boil. Simmer for 10–12 minutes, stirring frequently. Add 100ml/3½fl oz water and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir, making sure the milk doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pan. Stir in the sugar. Strain and pour into mugs to serve.