Have The Confidence To Shine

For my final post for February Photo Fest, I wanted to share a story. Have The Confidence To Shine is a tale of growing confidence, self acceptance and learning that it’s OK to celebrate your womanhood inside of the family home. That celebration can occur without it descending into a smut fest! And that this can, perhaps, be beneficial to two boys growing up with such different parents?

When I started working with photographers, it was an interesting exercise.

Not always was I comfortable with what I saw, but there was generally something valuable within the shot that I could learn from, or find value in.

After setting up a profile on PurplePort I worked with Dr Lovelace and Dark Lion before not really doing anything with my little page for a few months, aside from another Duo shoot with SWL shortly before Christmas that year. In the January I noticed a casting, a local tog who had lots of ideas for what he wanted to shoot. I responded to the call, and he was only too pleased to hear from me- we arranged a shoot for the following week. His name is Tony, and this was to be the start of an exciting partnership. One where we can bounce ideas off each other and work in harmony to create interesting images.

Initially though I needed a boost in my confidence in order to shine.

That boost came in the form of UV body paint. On this first occasion we did some portrait shots, lingerie, and the planned UV set. This was my first time using body paint and was suddenly overcome with feeling awkward and shy. I smeared it on in splodges and swipes, turning myself crinkly and colourful as I went. He took the pictures, checked through them, took some more and finally I was able to shower the light reactive hues from my flesh. I loved the picture, and believed I had shared it previously. However, I was wrong!

Scroll forward a couple of months and I found myself at Eroticon.

Here I had the great pleasure to put faces to familiar bodies and writing pseudonyms. I also met an array of entirely new people with whom I connected on twitter. One of these wonderful people was 19Syllables whose skill with a Haiku both fascinated and terrified me. (Honestly, have you ever tried to write one?!)

I believe it was a few months after the big event that she posted some pictures on her twitter feed. Taken on her birthday she had them framed and hung them on the wall where they took pride of place. They also set a great example for being at peace with your body, and how to celebrate without sexualising it. Her confidence was to become a shining beacon for me, you se, her tweet, including these pictures (shared with permission) sparked a little something in my mind.

A solution of sorts, perhaps, maybe…?

In the other parenting household a lot of body shaming takes place. Whether their dad makes jokes around size, colour or any other discerning feature is neither here nor there, the work has to take place to right these wrongs each time they arrive home. It’s so important that they grow up comfortable in their own skin, I hope that by doing that they will avoid the pitfalls of their father. Perhaps having some mildly risque, body positive pictures in my personal space then I will happily own that.

Clearly, the header image is not the original shot. I was given some vouchers for having pictures put onto canvas, and decided that I’d have one each of my children, and two from my adventures in front of the camera. I didn’t know where I would put the pictures yet, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could be brave enough to have them in my house, out of the digital stores. The other photo I had put on canvas was a wider angle shot of the one shared for sinfully basking. I became a dot in the wilderness rather than the feature. These arrived shortly before Christmas 2019.

All four canvas prints remained in their plastic pack, under my bed.

I’d put them on the wall when I decorated my bedroom. But you know how life can get, and decorating my room was not a huge priority, rather a self-indulgent act. It wasn’t until early 2021 that I decided the time was right and set to work moving furniture and putting my stamp on the magnolia walls. My sanctuary now taking shape I put up art I’ve collected over the years, the furthest corner of the wall saved for my personal pieces.

I chose non-sexual pieces that I was proud of. Photos which had great memories attached, of wondeful times in good company. As well as lots of laughter! When my boys arrived home from their dads they were so excited to see my hard work of the weekend. My oldest looked embarrassed. He was twelve at the time, and I’d been prepared for the conversation. I respect him and don’t want him to be uncomfortable. But I choose to have a variety of art on my bedroom walls, my private space, for my enjoyment. His little brother loved it all. The colours, the shapes, the “different work that mummy does”, the views of Dartmoor. He especially loves my new art from Lil Pixie, whom he thinks is a very clever lady indeed. (I am inclined to agree)

I love how, over the past year, their attitudes have changed.

This post isn’t so much about the photo on my wall. It’s more about how a tweet can open up a new world, and give me the confidence to sparkle in a space which is my own. And in the process it gives my children an opening to those slightly more awkward conversations. They are open to discussing bodies, growing up and (perhaps most importantly) consent. They also have an active interest in the beauties of the world without the expectation that it is there solely for their enjoyment. And no, I’m not talking about my naked flesh! Perhaps this is just part of growing up. Or maybe it’s learned? What I do know is that it feels like we are on the right path. On the way to breaking the cycle of their paternal influence.

Thank you 19Syllables, for inspiring my parenting trajectory. And for helping me see that it’s healthy to celebrate what your body can do, even when you are a mum!

This week’s prompt for #SWAP with Floss is show and tell. I have really enjoy taking the month of February away from my normal (if there is such a thing) blogging schedule in order to show you some more of my memories, even if I didn’t tell you about all of them in full yet. Today concludes my month long break of sorts, and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Have The Confidence To Shine is the seventh post for All About Art week. The fourth and final theme for February Photo Fest 2022.

2022 is my third time participating in February Photo Fest. February Photo Fest 2019 was my first, with my second being February Photo Fest 2021.