Trust your landmark and run through the smoke.

Lady reclining over her sofa, touching her pussy while wearing a medal from her landmark moment

This week Food For Thought Friday has asked us to think about Landmark in our lifes.

What, if any, have been your particular landmarks, either in relation to your blog or your wider life?

Do you have any future goals/landmarks you want to achieve? What are they?

I have been very quiet this month for a number of reasons. The first was my study. With the end of my module came assignment pressure and extra work took over. Alongside this life has thrown me an unwanted curve ball; managing this has taken up a lot of energy but also marks a significant shift in my wellbeing. Previously an episode like this would have floored me, but this time I have held my own… battered but not beaten. This in itself is a landmark achievement for me.

But it is not the one that I want to talk about today!

As I have mentioned previously I like to run. It was the one thing I was allowed to do for me while I was married, and after a couple of years break and significant weight gain the return of Sir heralded my return to running in January last year. Since before I met him I had the goal of wanting to run a marathon, and when he departed again in the summer he left me the task of running a marathon by the end of February. Losing him again was painful, but I had a goal. He had set me a task because he believed I could do it, even though I didn’t quite have the belief in myself. All winter I trained, loving the longer distances, the freedom of the miles, the openness of the big sky over my head. I had the race date for the start of february, a gloriously hilly first marathon. Local enough that I knew the area and could practise parts of the route. My beloved Dartmoor. Races leading up to the big day went exactly as planned. The longest run felt amazing and I could have carried on all day. I was ready! Body, mind, and soul working together.

My landmark moment had arrived.

Or so I thought. The start  of February brought snow to Dartmoor, the race was postponed. I went out for a marathon distance run that day, and ended up with an injury, catching the train home from half way. I was left feeling like I had failed Sir in my task. I wouldn’t be able to achieve the marathon I had been tasked with, I wondered why I should even bother to find another marathon seeing as I had let him down. What was the point? I had this one-sided conversation with a friend, venting my frustrations at him in text form. And as I let all the pain and frustration out my memory was jarred to Sir’s response to a task the previous summer. A plan had fallen through and I had needed to scrabble around to fulfill the brief. After everything had been sorted I had explained the level of stress which had threatened to overwhelm me, I was so upset about disappointing him when something outside of my control had happened. His response had obviously struck a chord with me:

N, you have never let me down. You always try your hardest and do everything you can to achieve my expectations, you have never let me down or disappointed me.

This exchange surfaced in my mind as I spilled the bitter disappointment at Slave Lytton. And from this came the realisation that I had not let him down at all. had been ready. had done everything possible to make sure that could complete the marathon in the time frame he had set me. Yes, I was disappointed, and I would probably always feel like I could have done more, but… those where the last whispers of depression and I had to believe in myself.

So I started hunting for a replacement race.

A marathon that I would enjoy for my first time, and one that fit into my child free weekends. And one that would allow time for my knee to recover, but without being too far away for me to lose the momentum. Finding more races to keep me inspired in the meantime, I stumbled across a marathon. A new one. Fairly hilly, well located, beautiful views, and most importantly….lots of cake for finishers! The date was set for the beginning of May. I spent the next two months rebuilding my distance and regaining my confidence. It was during this time that I realised that sir had set me this task because he knew how much I wanted to achieve it, even though I didn’t quite believe that I would be able to do it. Even as I sit here typing that I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes. He knew he wouldn’t be here, but wanted me to grow without him, to finally learn to believe in myself unequivocally, in the same way that he always had.

What a gift to leave me with?

Roll on to the start of May. I don’t know how many of you have completed a marathon, I had no idea what I would actually feel like during the race or after the race, but the entire event just blew me away. I loved it, the whole damn thing! I can’t believe that I hadn’t believed in myself all along, that I hadn’t found the courage to train for and enter a marathon before then. There were a few moments when I stopped smiling, and they were in the third quarter (I’m told this is a normal time to find it hard) when I realised that I wouldn’t be able to tell sir that I had completed his task, and to thank him for believing in me. When I finally reached that finish line I jumped for joy. My amazing friend S-W-L had driven for hours to come and cheer me across the line. I jumped for joy, and couldn’t stop babbling about how proud of myself I am. The first time I have ever felt proud of myself without first having to have someone (including myself) convince me that I should be proud.

So that is my landmark moment, and the lesson that has translated from BDSM to everyday life to allow me to achieve.

But what is next? Do you think I am going to stop there?

Nah, I don’t think I could enjoy a life without challenging goals to achieve.

To paraphrase a very important man: Set a goal, plan, achieve, take stock and set a new goal. [Repeat]

Next stop is an ultra…. watch this space!

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Trust your landmark and run through the smoke was first published on A Leap of Faith.

The dance we must do

A freckled hand taking hold of an espresso cup handle, light reflecting in the glossy crema.. Featued in the post The dance we must do
Coffee: Date or Social?

There is something that I find really puzzling. Something we will all do at some point, or so I’m told.

Dating!

I’m a 36-year-old woman and, as far as I can work out, I’ve been on 5 dates. Actual, official, proper dates. Meets and socials, easy peasy. I’ve done those by the (cough-cough) dozen… But actual dates, with people I would be considering starting something with. I fell into a relationship with my first boyfriend, never dated P. M and I met as part of a task and only went for an actual date when we were getting back together (again!) The first time I met B was a friendly swim in the sea, followed by a hot chocolate which then continued to dinner. We have since discussed  this, and have come to the decision that it started as a social and evolved into a date. Does this mean it was my second ever date.

And besides, what is dating?

In my quest to figure all of this out I thought I had best get a definition for dating. According to the Urban Dictionary it is

Dating is where two people who are attracted to each other spend time together to see if they also can stand to be around each other most of the time, if this is successful they develop a relationship, although sometimes a relationship develops anyways if the people can’t find anybody else to date them, or are very lonely or one person is only attracted to the other and pretends to be in love with the second unfortunate person who has the misunderstanding that they have found love.

This makes more sense than the traditional definition where dating means to:

go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).

I have gone out with people I’m sexually attracted to, in order to ascertain whether I actually want to fuck them. With no romantic designs whatsoever. This is what I would describe as “a social meet” and I have done this on many occasion. These are easy to do. I am fully confident when pitching up to meet someone, it’s like an interview, but less formal. (Though if they are too formal then they aren’t going to pass my excruciating compatibility test!) A social would usually be in one of my favourite cafes, discrete and caffeinated, definitely public but not too public… Chat, and hopefully some giggles.

So that’s a social. What is a date?

This  is where I get a bit muddled. What is it? Where does the social meet give over to the date? Here is the crossover for an initial social or date…

  • coffee
  • conversation
  • laughs
  • sussing each other out

None of that is scary. None of it at all! So why does the D-word send fear into my heart? Maybe that’s exactly it? My heart. Sex can be as impersonal as you like, functional, friendly, devoted or loving. Perhaps even a combination of the four? As a single woman, I can get what I want physically easily enough. If I choose to. However, recently I have stopped looking. I have still been taking care of my own needs, but not had someone on hand to use my body in the way that I have started to crave. The taste, touch and smell of a man are a heady combination that stimulate my sensory erogenous zone. And yet I hesitate. Sex for the sake of sex has lost its appeal. And I am left to consider my options. And I talk to friends about dating, and they all seem to have a different view of dating, and the rules that surround it.

This is the dance we must do.

  • No farting or burping.
  • No family or friends to be introduced too soon
  • Hair
  • Make up
  • Nice outfit
  • Don’t tell them your kinks
  • Don’t show them you like them.
  • A little drama between the first and second date is helpful.
  • Show yourself as attractive to others on your first date
  • No mobiles at the table

(This list is not conclusive, but my head is spinning just reliving those conversations I had to top)

Am I the only person who doesn’t know the rules?

How did an intelligent (or so I’m told) woman get to my age and not have any idea??

So I dug a little deeper. I’m not one to panic, but a deep understanding began to settle in the pit of my stomach that if I don’t start to learn these things then I may be single for a lot longer than I had imagined. And I don’t want Doxy to die and leave me!

If I listen to what these people tell me, my trusted companions, I will end up in all kinds of trouble. But I have been reassured that I don’t have to change who I am… Oh No!!

Let me condense my findings so far:

You show your potential mate the blank canvas of you.

Then, once they have fallen in love you shatter their illusions by letting the real you out.

All the while keeping your fingers crossed that they don’t reject you and your quirks, leaving you a shredded version of yourself, in a pit of black despair at never finding love again!!

If that’s the dance, I’m pleased I have two left feet!

I’d be really interested to learn what others think on this, I wonder if there is any right or wrong answer?

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The dance we must do was first published on A Leap of Faith

CAN’T DO IT!

Naked thigh with a lion tattoo tied into a futomomo with rainbow rope. Shared for the post Can't do it.
My beautifully bratty friend, as tied by me.

My brain was screaming loudly, though my mouth remained clamped shut. Silent.

Staring at the blank screen in front of me I had been counting down the hours until my deadline. That had now passed, words for the extension request almost failing me too. It was the worst case of block I have ever experienced and the cause of it was entirely unknown. The screaming continued, louder by the day. Drowning out every little piece of understanding that sat in the recesses of my brain. Strange how running quieted my grey matter brat. While thundering around the trails I could form sentences, prove my understanding and make headway with the words.

As soon as I sat down to that little screen the paragraphs evaporated.

They came eventually. Dribs and drabs of incoherent blathering. Not up to my normal standard, but technically I wouldn’t need to hand this one in to get a pass mark so I could afford this temporary glitch. Stretching back in my seat I growled. The frustration coming out in a growl of rage, my inner brat vocalising for the first time. With her voice came hot tears, burning at my eyes and clawing to get out. Angrily swiping them away with my sleeve I knocked the laptop with my elbow and brought up the internet browser.

Fuck It!!

As I’m here I’ll just have a quick look… 

My Xhamster login was automatic, and my favourites easy enough to pick through, to find exactly what was going to hit the spot. Hot tears dried and dormant folds began to heat and swell. Dropping my hands to my pussy, stroking gently in time the slaves hands as he stroked his mistresses clit. Delving into my inviting wet hole with more vigour than I’d realised I had in me while his colleague fucked her withe shiny black dildo gag. Climaxing with the Domme on the screen as her body was wracked with sensation, gushing over my cushioned chair as her mouth poured obscenities at those caged boys.

The brat was quiet, for the first time in a couple of days. Sated…

Maybe now the brat has cum the words will follow.

Can’t do it? Won’t do it, until she gets her way.

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Can’t do it! was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Balls, beautiful balls…

Masturbation Monday week 239 prompt by Mx Nillin -- image of their cock with multiple hands touching it
Thank you to MXNillin for this amazing picture prompt for Masturbation Monday

Balls are one of my favourite parts of a man!

There, I said it.

They aren’t quite as much of a turn on as strong forearms when you wrap them around me when I am feeling fragile and vulnerable, or send me into reverie like your hands do over a cup of coffee, and they won’t tell me as much about you as your eyes, twinkling with mischief, lust or love. I can’t savour them while you are dressed, like I can your ass and thighs as you climb the slope ahead of me, and rubbing my finger tips over your closely cropped hair is much more acceptable in public if that hair is on top of your head…

But still, I love balls.

I find them fascinating. I love kneeling between your legs and gazing up at your face while I wax your shaft. Thumbing the pre-cum into your shiny head and dropping my eyes I pulled my gaze down to your sac. Those little goosebumps, watching them grow as the skin contracts, dancing under my delicate breath.. My tongue snaking down to tease those little lumps, I’m salivating as the tiny nubs caress my taste buds, drool escaping my lips as the sensation drives my mouth wild. Inhaling deeply, stealing your essence from that beautiful flesh before parting my lips and devouring the objects of my desires. Hollowing my cheeks and sucking you in, hand still stroking your straining shaft firmly now as I raise my eyes to meet yours once more. Trailing my left hand down betwen your buttocks I stroke your tight hole, tease you with fingers lubed by the saliva now dripping from my chin. Your jaw clenches, breathing shallow, entire body thrumming with energy. The building tension relentless.

God, I love balls…

I love the way you are so strong and confident, mastering my mind and body. Your dominance makes my pussy clench with each. Little. Word. that you care to toss in my direction.

But when I am there, worshipping every last pore, I am the one that holds you, and your power in my hands.

Illuminated sign saying Kiss my butt and lick my balls.

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Balls, beautiful balls. was first published on A leap of faith.

 

She’s alright #30

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I am so comfortable in my own skin, just being me, that I often forget that I’m a “very kinky girl” and I can’t remember the last time I was “taken home to mama”. Sometimes I’m reminded when I open my mouth and say something that seems normal to me, and yet shocks others. Or they tell me something they are embarrassed about and I am not in the least bit surprised! And then there are my friends who I think of as being extreme who seem genuinely shocked (and excited) by my level of interests… So it seems only fitting that Superfreak by Rick James pops into my head here.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

It’s the childlike mind that finds the kingdom. #29

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I have definitely sprinkled more than a few songs I remember from my childhood in these posts, but I have chosen The Bangles – Walk Like an Egyptian for today. It reminds me of walking with my family while busting the moves from the song, not being in the least bit bothered about the people around us. I see a little of me in my youngest, when I watch him strutting his stuff on the school run, dancing to whatever riff he has spinning through his mind at the time.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

Your voice is my favourite sound. #28

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Beth Gibbons of Portishead has one of the most hauntingly beautiful voices I have ever heard. A small and seemingly fragile voice which packs such a punch, she is quite uniquely gifted. It should be played loud, but only to drown out my efforts to sing along, and it is also one of those tunes from my formative years, but I choose Portishead’s Glorybox, for the song by an artist whose voice I love. The music is the perfect frame for her vocals. Perfection!

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

The heart was made to be broken #27

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I love opera! There, I said it. When I was growing up I had a preconceived idea of the typical opera lover.

And then I went to see my first at 18. It was The Elixir of Love, an English opera shown at the Lowry. I was blown away by the roller coaster of emotions I experienced through the power of voice. A few years later I sloped off to a traditional opera. Even in Italian it still conveyed the emotions of the story, I could follow it completely without the faintest idea what the words were. Over the years I have taken myself off to th e theatre occasionally. The stand out performance for me was La Boheme by the Garden Opera company. I laughed and cried, gasped and blushed (as appropriate) through the entire performance. But the final scene, Mimi’s death scene  broke my heart. The video from YouTube is never going to convey the effects of the waves of voices which caress your soul, so I will forgive you if you don’t feel it. However, I would urge you to go and find an opera near you. To sit and absorb the energy. And just see… You may just be surprised.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

No one ever fell in love without being a little bit brave. #26

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The prompt for today was pretty tricky. I wasn’t sure how a song could make me want to fall in love. My ex husband’s family never quite hit the mark of family, even though we were closely linked for over 12 years. The thought of having in-laws again is a bit of a difficult idea for me… However, it seems that I’m not alone, and when you realise you aren’t alone life, or in this case the idea of love, becomes a lot easier… Jake Thackray’s La-Di-Dah is a triumph that challenges my fear of in laws.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

If you’ve got nothing to dance about, find a reason to sing. #25

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Benny Goodman may have died in 1986 but with my Dads taste in music his spirit was still very much alive at home when I was a girl, especially with me being a Daddy’s girl. Sing, sing, sing is one of the big band tunes that I remember being swirled around to, and it is one that my youngest likes to whisk me off my feet to a whole generation later.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

Love your rage, not your cage. #24

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Rage against the Machine was a band who I first became aware of during my marriage. There is something missing from my world of music with the loss of them, and Take The Power Back is the way that I choose to remember them. It also seems to be relevant to my life and how I became the woman I am today. Through submission and kink I have been able to take my power back.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

Never give advice unless asked. #23

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I have been wondering about a song that everybody should listen to and felt that, perhaps, it would be a great idea to share some hints and tips on a happy life. (if everyone is going to listen surely that would be good?) So I’ve chosen a tune that never fails to make me smile, dance and ponder… Sound Advice by The Allergies. (feat Hypeman Sage.)

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

If you just keep moving forward you’ll amaze yourself. #22

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When trying to think of a song that moves me forward I couldn’t quite get my head around what that meant. But Kiss with a fist by Florence and The Machine is a song which I often sing when I’m running, the lyrics and beat just drive me on. Perhaps it is rather fitting that it is about a toxic relationship, and by singing it as I run I get further away from my history of abuse. Maybe I have given this altogether too much thought, but this is a song that moves me forward in many ways.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

What’s in a name? #21

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Every year my brother creates me a CD for Christmas. Songs which he has really enjoyed throughout the year, and which he also feels will be enjoyable for me. He has tried to find songs with my name in and I was planning on using one of those, but Hey There Delilah, by The Plain White T’s makes me sing along, and I adore the story of the lyrics. So this is my favourite song with a name in the title.

I love music and am always on the lookout for something new to listen to, so I hope the 30-Day Song Challenge inspires some of you to share.

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