Isn’t it funny, the way our brains work? I have a long-standing battle with mine, the voice in the back of my head is constantly trying to talk me into taking a trip down the dark alley. Trying to sabotage the level headspace I’ve found again. It won’t work, not today. But last weekend it was close.
Sir is working away for a stretch. This is a situation that challenges but is very much a part of our relationship, something I accept willingly. My life is full too, and though I do miss him, I don’t pine.
So, last weekend was one of those “not very often” situations. The shady lane looked very enticing, but why? To start with I wasn’t feeling particularly well in myself. A minor treatment had left me feeling deeply uncomfortable and all I wanted was to curl up and have my head stroked. Being a single mum that’s not really possible; there is dinner to cook, homework to supervise and bed times to wrangle. The routine helped, and I knew that I could relax after bedtime, sit and chill, and take some painkillers!
But that night I couldn’t!
An inebriated man was shouting in the dimly lit street outside my home, thumping car windows and climbing in and out of peoples gardens. Uneasy but calm I checked my locks and called the police. While on the line a vigilante group of people from up the road came out and started on him. While I could cope with the lone drunkard, the level of threat went through the roof at the gang standing outside my house. I suddenly felt very unsafe.
Neither of these situations are standard, nor have they cropped up when I’ve been in Sir’s company. I know I’m strong and capable of getting myself through this kind of thing, but, with both stacking up simultaneously it was hard…
I just wanted to hide in the safety of my submission.
That’s not what the lifestyle is about for me: giving in to temptation to hide behind a strong man. If he is able to support me in tricky situations then amazing, but I have learnt that I can stand on my own two feet, firmly! Incidentally, this is completely at odds with what I thought submission meant when I started my journey. Is he crafting an alpha sub out of the woman who handed him control all those years ago? Empowering me to grow into the me I didn’t know was there?
(Back on topic Barefoot…!!)
So that was Friday night, and Saturday I recognised that I was feeling a bit unsafe, unsettled. I went through my checklist, maintenance tasks, playing with the boys, preparing healthy food, and reaching out to friends. Actually, I didn’t reach out, TheRock sent me a message and a funny story. I didn’t tell him much, just asked him to send funny anecdotes because I was having a rare day of pining. My phone was instantly filled with pictures of his current work situation, no questions asked or answers expected.
Brilliant colours, music, partying- an acid trip in a circus tent!
By the time my bedtime arrived on Saturday I’d left the voice behind. The yells of negativity were now just a whisper in the distance. I knew it would take a few days for the vigilance to ease, but that’s ok. It makes sense that I would hold on to the fear, at least until I can see my neighbours in the daylight. It’s a primal instinct for safety. You know, brains may be silly things sometimes but if we can learn a few tricks…
We can deny them a trip down the dark alley.
Down The Dark Alley? Not Today! is an insight into how I care for myself when times are tricky. You might also enjoy the post Self Care: Practise.
And if you like the cuffs in the picture you can find them here.
From the story of how the barefoot sub became the woman she is today, to toy reviews, with a hefty dose of contemplation, a sprinkling of erotica and a LOT of nudity in between, you can be sure to find something to tickle your fancy at A Leap Of Faith.