Down a dark alley? Not Today! Header image shows blonde woman leaning in towards a mirror, hands raised and pressed to the glass, wrists cuffed and joined with chains

Down The Dark Alley? Not Today!

Down a dark alley? Not Today! Black and white Header image shows blonde woman leaning in towards a mirror, hands raised and pressed to the glass, wrists cuffed and joined with chains

Isn’t it funny, the way our brains work? I have a long-standing battle with mine, the voice in the back of my head is constantly trying to talk me into taking a trip down the dark alley. Trying to sabotage the level headspace I’ve found again. It won’t work, not today. But last weekend it was close.

Sir is working away for a stretch. This is a situation that challenges but is very much a part of our relationship, something I accept willingly. My life is full too, and though I do miss him, I don’t pine.

Very often.

So, last weekend was one of those “not very often” situations. The shady lane looked very enticing, but why? To start with I wasn’t feeling particularly well in myself. A minor treatment had left me feeling deeply uncomfortable and all I wanted was to curl up and have my head stroked. Being a single mum that’s not really possible; there is dinner to cook, homework to supervise and bed times to wrangle. The routine helped, and I knew that I could relax after bedtime, sit and chill, and take some painkillers!

But that night I couldn’t!

An inebriated man was shouting in the dimly lit street outside my home, thumping car windows and climbing in and out of peoples gardens. Uneasy but calm I checked my locks and called the police. While on the line a vigilante group of people from up the road came out and started on him. While I could cope with the lone drunkard, the level of threat went through the roof at the gang standing outside my house. I suddenly felt very unsafe.

Neither of these situations are standard, nor have they cropped up when I’ve been in Sir’s company. I know I’m strong and capable of getting myself through this kind of thing, but, with both stacking up simultaneously it was hard…

I just wanted to hide in the safety of my submission.

That’s not what the lifestyle is about for me: giving in to temptation to hide behind a strong man. If he is able to support me in tricky situations then amazing, but I have learnt that I can stand on my own two feet, firmly! Incidentally, this is completely at odds with what I thought submission meant when I started my journey. Is he crafting an alpha sub out of the woman who handed him control all those years ago? Empowering me to grow into the me I didn’t know was there?

(Back on topic Barefoot…!!)

So that was Friday night, and Saturday I recognised that I was feeling a bit unsafe, unsettled. I went through my checklist, maintenance tasks, playing with the boys, preparing healthy food, and reaching out to friends. Actually, I didn’t reach out, TheRock sent me a message and a funny story. I didn’t tell him much, just asked him to send funny anecdotes because I was having a rare day of pining. My phone was instantly filled with pictures of his current work situation, no questions asked or answers expected.

Brilliant colours, music, partying- an acid trip in a circus tent!

By the time my bedtime arrived on Saturday I’d left the voice behind. The yells of negativity were now just a whisper in the distance. I knew it would take a few days for the vigilance to ease, but that’s ok. It makes sense that I would hold on to the fear, at least until I can see my neighbours in the daylight. It’s a primal instinct for safety. You know, brains may be silly things sometimes but if we can learn a few tricks…

We can deny them a trip down the dark alley.

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Down The Dark Alley? Not Today! is an insight into how I care for myself when times are tricky. You might also enjoy the post Self Care: Practise.

And if you like the cuffs in the picture you can find them here.

12 comments

  1. I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to right things again. I’m also glad I’ve finally been able to find where you’ve been hiding!! lol I’ve been feeling rather off myself as of late, maybe some selfcare is in order here, too! Thanks for the reminder 😀

    1. It took me ages to find you again once I came back. This must be the weirdest way to play hide and seek ever! I hope you’ve managed to make time for self care. It’s all too easy to neglect that, isn’t it?

    1. It comes and goes Marie, but the more I recognise the highs and lows (and the tools I use to bring myself back) the more resilient I become and the quicker I am to return. I hope you find your equilibrium again soon N xx

  2. The ups and downs and how we cope – love the way you married this up with a dark alley as thats so true – and it is always good to reflect on how we do cope and get thru a shaky mind situation. Until the next …
    May xx

    1. I remember in my darkest days, hoping that I could get better and expecting it to be a flat line above the clouds. But it doesn’t work like that, does it? And maybe, just maybe, we can normalise the ups and downs of life? (Those first slumps during my recovery were laced with panic that I was getting ill again. Scary, but Co.pletely understandable) n xx

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