Love under all circumstances header shows a naked thigh with a shiny paddle with heart shapes cut out of it resting on the thigh. Alongside that is the red heart shaped imprint on the skin.

Love Under All Circumstances

Love under all circumstances header shows a naked thigh with a shiny paddle with heart shapes cut out of it resting on the thigh. Alongside that is the red heart shaped imprint on the skin.

This week I’ve been thinking about love, the unconditional kind. Love that doesn’t falter, regardless of the circumstances. You might need to stick with me, many trains of thought are converging in this little post…

There is an Instagram profile I follow, every time I see it my mind gets to whirring around. You know the way that it tends to. And this is in their bio.

If you love me, then you are with me, for me, always, everywhere and under all circumstances.

Generally I nod sagely, agree. Yes, indeed. There are many people in my world who I love, but only a handful of them are loved unconditionally. I don’t believe there is anything that they could present me with that would stop me feeling this way.

Sure, I might like them less!

Likely put boundaries in place, but they are as important to me as the air that I breathe and I could never wish them anything but the best. These people, and like I say they are few, unwittingly encourage me to be the best I can possibly be. I say unwittingly because, for the most part, I don’t believe they would even know the effect they have on me. Nor do they need to. Each one of these people know how much I adore them, but I would hate them to feel obliged to behave in any way other than being themselves.

Last week I wrote about the dark alley, and how I have certain tools in my kit bag which help me avoid lingering unnecessarily in the murk. This is a work in progress, and throughout the week I’ve had cause to reflect on my developing resilience.

Dr Lovelace came to stay for a few days a few weeks ago.

It was lovely to see her following two years of long distance friendship. While together we spoke at great length about everything under the sun, laughed and cried. I was able to show her some of my new toys, including the little heart paddle in the picture above. I love the way it marks, but had been unable to capture it in a picture by myself, so asked for her help with that. She loves to tweak images, and took them away to crop and edit. When she returned them last week I was particularly taken with this one. Don’t worry, she just edited out some carpet fluff!

For me impact play is a wonderful release, but I must manage it.

I need to ensure that it isn’t my focus when it comes to wellbeing. It’s a special treat for when I’m feeling resilient rather than my kinky-medication when I’m feeling down. I can administer it to myself, but will only do that when requested- or when demonstrating new toys! I know that my relationship with pain hasn’t always been this healthy, my need has occasionally outweighed good sense. But I have learnt to manage this with guidance, tasks and another lesson that has woven its way into my very being- running.

So, the people I’ve mentioned have gifted me something, likely with zero idea.

By permitting me to love them I have opened up my heart, allowed myself to be vulnerable. Do I get it right all of the time? I seriously doubt it! But I am entirely comfortable with this, after all, we are all learning, right? I’ve only been consciously travelling this path for 7 years, fining myself began when I met Sir. I’ve been steadily knocking windows in my walls and making sense of new information in the vista. It’s not always easy. Actually, scratch that, often times it’s been so pigging hard I’ve wanted to pour concrete over the walls, reinforce them, shut out the light.

But I don’t, obviously.

As the light comes in and I can see into the darker recesses I have discovered that I can love, wholeheartedly, without fear. Not only do I have this tightest of troupes whom I love regardless of the circumstances or distance, I have also found that there is a woman inside of myself who deserves to reap some of that same kindness and warmth, compassion and freedom for herself.

So, back to the Instagram profile. Normally, when I see this sentence I am swept off, thinking about those I love with fierce freedom, but this weeks thoughts around those words led to a tweak…

If I love me then I am with me, for me, always, everywhere and under all circumstances.

Somehow it feels a little uncomfortable reading that back. But I think that’s ok. Learning new skills is meant to be challenging, right? And while I’m familiar with self-love, and practise it regularly, I’ve always kept a little room for self-loathing. I guess it just balances things out? But why should I treat myself any differently than those I hold in high regard? I love them but give them the space to fluff things up occasionally without hating on them.

Hmmm… Still much to think about here I think.

I imagine there will be a number more rambling posts on this theme while I figure this out.

5 comments

  1. I’ve spent a lot of years trying to rid myself of the loathing part, thanks to a very emotionally challenging childhood. Still a work in progress but at least the feeling are very few and far between these days! *smiles* I hope the same for you, too! Better yet, to be rid of them all together!

    1. Few and far between… this is what I like to hear! I’m in a similar position, fingers crossed we can both get rid of that safety net (perhaps that’s what it is) of self loathing. I think, maybe, recognising the capacity for unconditional love to others will help me reflect it back. I know that more often than not I’m stopping the cycle faster these days. Which is great progress!

      1. I understand! As a perfectionist I found it hard not to hold myself at an impossible standard. I finally internalized the idea that I am only human, not a Goddess (despite what Bear might think! *smirk*).
        I’m glad you’re able to stop it sooner, before the spiral gets to great! Some years of self-harm for me have proven just how low it can get, so I understand the idea of being careful with impact play as well. I think I was on the edge of safe and unsafe for a while myself.
        Anyway, hope you have a happy day my friend!! 😀

  2. I have said it before, but will say it again… so many times I come here and take something away from what you have written, what YOU have learned. I am on a journey now, learning about myself, and yes, in a way also to love myself to the extent of that sentence you tweaked. I’m a work in progress, for sure, and I look forward to reading more of this as you figure it out.
    ~ Marie xox

    1. I do wonder if it is figure-out-able? Or if the journey to discover is more rewarding? It’s hard going though, in a good way. It gives my brain something healthy to chew on at any rate! I love that you take something from my words, that I can- in some small way- repay your kindness, encouragement and friendship N xx

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