This week I’ve been thinking about love, the unconditional kind. Love that doesn’t falter, regardless of the circumstances. You might need to stick with me, many trains of thought are converging in this little post…
There is an Instagram profile I follow, every time I see it my mind gets to whirring around. You know the way that it tends to. And this is in their bio.
If you love me, then you are with me, for me, always, everywhere and under all circumstances.
Generally I nod sagely, agree. Yes, indeed. There are many people in my world who I love, but only a handful of them are loved unconditionally. I don’t believe there is anything that they could present me with that would stop me feeling this way.
Sure, I might like them less!
Likely put boundaries in place, but they are as important to me as the air that I breathe and I could never wish them anything but the best. These people, and like I say they are few, unwittingly encourage me to be the best I can possibly be. I say unwittingly because, for the most part, I don’t believe they would even know the effect they have on me. Nor do they need to. Each one of these people know how much I adore them, but I would hate them to feel obliged to behave in any way other than being themselves.
Last week I wrote about the dark alley, and how I have certain tools in my kit bag which help me avoid lingering unnecessarily in the murk. This is a work in progress, and throughout the week I’ve had cause to reflect on my developing resilience.
Dr Lovelace came to stay for a few days a few weeks ago.
It was lovely to see her following two years of long distance friendship. While together we spoke at great length about everything under the sun, laughed and cried. I was able to show her some of my new toys, including the little heart paddle in the picture above. I love the way it marks, but had been unable to capture it in a picture by myself, so asked for her help with that. She loves to tweak images, and took them away to crop and edit. When she returned them last week I was particularly taken with this one. Don’t worry, she just edited out some carpet fluff!
For me impact play is a wonderful release, but I must manage it.
I need to ensure that it isn’t my focus when it comes to wellbeing. It’s a special treat for when I’m feeling resilient rather than my kinky-medication when I’m feeling down. I can administer it to myself, but will only do that when requested- or when demonstrating new toys! I know that my relationship with pain hasn’t always been this healthy, my need has occasionally outweighed good sense. But I have learnt to manage this with guidance, tasks and another lesson that has woven its way into my very being- running.
So, the people I’ve mentioned have gifted me something, likely with zero idea.
By permitting me to love them I have opened up my heart, allowed myself to be vulnerable. Do I get it right all of the time? I seriously doubt it! But I am entirely comfortable with this, after all, we are all learning, right? I’ve only been consciously travelling this path for 7 years, fining myself began when I met Sir. I’ve been steadily knocking windows in my walls and making sense of new information in the vista. It’s not always easy. Actually, scratch that, often times it’s been so pigging hard I’ve wanted to pour concrete over the walls, reinforce them, shut out the light.
But I don’t, obviously.
As the light comes in and I can see into the darker recesses I have discovered that I can love, wholeheartedly, without fear. Not only do I have this tightest of troupes whom I love regardless of the circumstances or distance, I have also found that there is a woman inside of myself who deserves to reap some of that same kindness and warmth, compassion and freedom for herself.
So, back to the Instagram profile. Normally, when I see this sentence I am swept off, thinking about those I love with fierce freedom, but this weeks thoughts around those words led to a tweak…
If I love me then I am with me, for me, always, everywhere and under all circumstances.
Somehow it feels a little uncomfortable reading that back. But I think that’s ok. Learning new skills is meant to be challenging, right? And while I’m familiar with self-love, and practise it regularly, I’ve always kept a little room for self-loathing. I guess it just balances things out? But why should I treat myself any differently than those I hold in high regard? I love them but give them the space to fluff things up occasionally without hating on them.
Hmmm… Still much to think about here I think.
I imagine there will be a number more rambling posts on this theme while I figure this out.
From the story of how the barefoot sub became the woman she is today, to toy reviews, with a hefty dose of contemplation, a sprinkling of erotica and a LOT of nudity in between, you can be sure to find something to tickle your fancy at A Leap Of Faith.