Illustration of the barefoot sub naked with marks for Sleepwalker

No longer sleepwalking

Illustration of the barefoot sub naked with marks for Sleepwalker
Illustration by: Pink Space Lime

When I have been thinking about this Wicked Wednesday prompt I have written out a few ideas in my head.

All perfectly adequate examples of what independence means to me, right now. But they didn’t quite make it out of brain and I couldn’t figure out why.

I quite often use songs to inspire or unlock my writing and as such I have a spotify playlist. I also run a fair bit, and due to the recent turn of events am finding myself treading the pavements locally rather than heading off the beaten track into the wilderness. To stave off boredom I invested in a set of headphones and last friday I did my longest run in months, with my tunes playing. In amongst all of the lively, lusty and wonderful tunes was this gem:

I fell in love with this tune when I first heard it at the start of the year but I couldn’t work out why, aside from the intoxicating nature of her voice accompanied by the simple acoustic guitar.

It wasn’t until I was running along last week that I truly listened.

Maybe it was because of how quiet my brain was? A very special visit left me with art on my flesh and a mind quieter than I recall it being in a very long time. Or maybe I was just ready to understand what she has to say and how it relates to me.

My friends have been known to describe me as “strong, independent and bloody minded” and I am. Absolutely. No doubt about that. But sometimes in life I have lost sight of that, when I have been alone in the company of those who say they love me. I have compromised on my self to be part of something unhealthy. And that is OK, I understand that for what it is. Each time I have learnt and all of those three qualities has increased as I close the door on unpleasantness.

They often spoke as though I had been set free
But I travelled only in service of my dreams
I stood before them all, I was a sleepwalker

It is easy to build walls to hide behind, and masquerade as strong, independent and bloody minded. I see that in some of my friends now, and I recognise it in the me of 6 years ago. But what happens if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. I mean truly vulnerable. To cut yourself wide open and set yourself free under the watchful gaze of someone who understands how fragile that strength is and will do everything in their power to nurture that and keep it, and you, safe. To allow yourself to be cared for by someone who works hard to teach you the lessons that you have either never learnt or that have been scraped out of your poor mind when former partners tried to break you?

In my case it gave me the freedom to be absolutely myself.

And to do so without the need for validation from everyone else, without the fear of what others might say. He follows the path that is right for him, and through his example I have learnt to do the same. To be independent on my own terms, to take myself on new and exciting journeys, to grow and develop under my own steam. To love myself from the inside out, and to be able to share that without expectation or need. And while I may drop to my knees when our paths are entwined I am still encouraged to set and achieve my own goals, to live my own life and follow my own feet.

And of all the roads and the cities that I passed through
And of all the eyes I have searched inside
The one sense of permanence that I came to feel was mine
Only beneath your gaze

No longer am I a sleepwalker, plodding through life under the misconception that everything is sunny even though my walls didn’t even have cracks in the render.

I have found true independence through being vulnerable and allowing someone special to help me knock down a few walls and give me the tools to build an entire house from the rubble, complete with french doors and skylights to let the sunshine in!

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No longer sleepwalking was first published on A Leap of Faith.

9 comments

  1. I am always impressed at how well you know yourself, and how beautiful your relationship. Love that last line too, and it’s a beautiful song. Thank you for sharing.
    ~ Marie

    1. Thank you Marie. I think there’s a fair amount of trial and error, and acceptance that the woman I am today is different to the one is was 5 years ago, and in five years time I imagine I will have evolved again. And my relationship with sir is transient. He is actively nomadic (whereas I have to stand still) so when we there is opportunity to be His we make it as beautiful (and challenging) as possible. N xx

  2. The one sense of permanence that I came to feel was mine
    Only beneath your gaze…
    Love this line ๐Ÿ˜
    You are a stunning and amazing friend and I am honoured to have seen you grow in confidence and to call you a friend xx CC X

  3. I totally get what u are saying about sleepwalking thru life – i did it for a bit – and it is far better to open your mind and heart – dangerous but got to be the way to go
    xx

  4. I hadn’t heard this song before so I listened to it after I read your post. It’s amazing how so many sleepwalk through life and forget to live. Lovely post.

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