I recently had an interesting conversation with a friend about intimacy and how, as a single woman, I can’t possibly be getting what I need in that area. He was worried that I’m lonely. As the conversation played out I realised that the I’m definitely not, and that I have, in my own way got most of the bases covered. But if the opposite of loneliness is intimacy, how can I not be lonely, as a single woman?
Aside from my devouring of CK I was experiencing a sexual dry spell.
It wasn’t the end of the world though. In all honesty I was at the point where I was starting to withdraw from wanting intimacy. Or perhaps I didn’t really know what that was. Indeed, in my marriage, the one place where I should feel the opposite of loneliness, intimacy was lacking and I was never more alone. Before moving I had created a facade, I looked a lot stronger than the fragile woman within and putting some distance between myself and P allowed me the freedom to begin the journey to real recovery. I was at great risk of falling further into the abyss before I could climb back out but…
Being welcomed by such an interesting group gave me a new focus.
With Sir my kinks had been explored in a wonderfully sexual way, and my vanilla world had been developed with the same skill. I had learnt so much about myself, had laid down boundaries for myself and had two questions to refer to when I was unsure. As I attended more events and met more people I became familiar with a new way of delving into my perversions.
Burgeoning friendships brought what I now call platonic intimacy.
Of course this had all started back at Kink and Cake when LTM beat my feet and brought me to a fully clothed orgasm, exclusively through pain. And the confidence I had in my own skin allowed me to get naked in front of groups and just be me. These groups of friends respected me and my friendship, there was never any mention of them having sex with me.
It wasn’t forbidden. it just wasn’t on offer, or desired.
There were impact scenes, endorphin highs and orgasms, but I had no desire for sex. Perhaps while I was waiting for my life-changing referral to be processed with DRCSAS all I needed was to find my feet, rather than engage in random fucks with strangers. A lot of the people I met at this time are still good friends. Some have become part of my closer circle, while others are still there on the periphery.
Curiously, as someone who hadn’t been allowed friends for 12 years I only made a few mistakes in my judgement of the people I let in to my life. But life is a constant process of learning and I value all of my experiences.
They have all helped me find a little piece of my confidence.
One night that allowed me to bring a little of that confidence was another last minute leap of faith. SL once again invited me along to ESKN with him and his Mistress. It was night of socialising, impact play and cake. One Domme had brought her sissy who was tasked with baking and serving cupcakes and drinks. I’d not met him before, but had known of Her through others and it was nice to finally meet her. The night was a busy one. There were some old-school players enjoying the cage when we headed upstairs. The plan was to sit around and enjoy the scenes taking place around the main play space. JD arrived with his toy for the night and when he inserted some ice into her she screamed and collapsed to the floor.
As the laughter subsided there was another scream; longer, harrowing.
The silence descended and everyone looked at the door, it was like something out of a horror movie. I was surrounded by experienced players who were all frozen to the spot. Was I surprised to find myself walking through the door? Heading back downstairs to the source of the noise, which was coming again. I saw a character skulking down to the ground floor and found the old school couple in the cage room. She was free from the cage and they were struggling with her leather hood.
As her face came into view she erupted into laughter and we had a chat. The other man had been invited to fondle her through the bars, inadvertently tweaking her nipples harder than she could tolerate. They were still tender from previous play. She assured me that she was fine so I returned upstairs to find the gently murmuring group still looking at the door.
My bravery was rewarded with a foot rub at MDs instruction
Oh, and a thorough whipping at her hand.
This was also the night that I changed my name. Until that night I’d used an indifferent name which meant little to me but gave the wrong impression to strangers. This night I had arrived in heels. And as always I had discarded them before long due to an inability to walk in them. Dressing afterwards, at the lockers, I put socks and trainers on my inevitably sticky feet. Suddenly turning to my friend next door and told them that I was changing my fetlife handle.
Most of my life is spent barefoot and I fit firmly in the “sub” box. So the barefoot sub made complete sense
That was the last night for anyone at ESKN. The owners of the building were influenced by local opinion that a gay spa and swingers club wasn’t welcome in the area and decided to sell it, ending the tenancy with immediate effect. A surprise to us all, considering the enthusiasm the business owners had for the place when we left that evening. A sad day indeed when the news was shared on social media the following week.
The end for ESKN but a new beginning for me.
Describing moments like this gave my concerned friend (in the introduction) and insight into my relationships. We can definitely agree that the opposite of loneliness is intimacy, but the way we share intimate moments is not purely romantic.
Have you enjoyed the opposite of loneliness is intimacy? Perhaps you will enjoy this one too… Feeling Friable