I still find it astonishing, even after 21 years.
You would imagine that it would get easier, and in many ways it has. I can now celebrate the many times we enjoyed, and I can look back with joy in my heart rather than total devastation and, more often than not, anger. Anger with you for not going to see the doctor sooner, that they couldn’t catch it in time because you wouldn’t tell anyone. You fought it for a number of years, never admitting that you were going to die, even after they said it had spread to your bones, and liver. The time they thought you had a stroke, but it was really rogue cells floating around in your brain.
Your strength has probably inspired me more than I admit.
For many years every time I saw someone whose life you had touched they would say “oh, haven’t you got your father’s eyes.” They always missed out the eyebrows, chin and nose! And what about your stubbornness, dry wit and sense of adventure. Did I get those traits through nature or nurture? You were a stay at home dad until I started school, and even after that I was like your shadow. Saturday mornings in the shop are memories I will always treasure, the touch of felt will always take me back to that time.
Grief is a funny thing though.
Every year in the lead up to your anniversary something makes me feel like my heart has been broken. I never equate the two immediately, but tonight was a quicker realisation than the standard day or two. Maybe I am learning with time. Perhaps next year I will surprise myself with allowing the sadness without needing other hurts to bring it out.
This evening I was driving home from delivering my children. It’s the holidays and I get a rest too.
I was thinking about events from the last week or so. You see, when Sir left again in July I felt a little sad. I knew that I wouldn’t hear from him until at least February, and even if I did I wasn’t sure how that would feel. My need to submit took a sabbatical. I have been exploring this wonderful world of kink in different ways and enjoying myself greatly, but as time wore on my mojo drifted. Recently a few things have happened which have made me realise that, although enjoying the opposite sides of myself, I had actually been hiding my submission. It hadn’t left me, just curled up inside too scared of being exposed and vulnerable. The intensity of my submissive love and the loss thereafter too hard to face again. Grief is not just felt for those who have died.
Driving along I felt my heartbreak all over again, my eyes burning with tears held back too long.
I knew that I needed to run, and once I was safely home I did just that. Not 200m from my front door I realised why. I have come home and spoken to one of my lovely friends (you’d love her, she’s completely mad) and I have talked about you more than I have with anyone in years. I hope you would be proud of the woman I have become, the way I have conducted myself when times have been hard and the way I am raising the two grandsons you will never get to meet. More often than not I need to be strong just like you were, sometimes I need to laugh until my sides aches and occasionally I need a good cry.
Tonight, astonishingly, I have done all three.
From the story of how the barefoot sub became the woman she is today, to toy reviews, with a hefty dose of contemplation, a sprinkling of erotica and a LOT of nudity in between, you can be sure to find something to tickle your fancy at A Leap Of Faith.
This is beautiful.
Thank you. Its not the post I had planned for the prompt but it kind of wrote itself.
He is there with you , in your boys, in the stubborn tilt of your chin as you push your self further. Those we love never truly leave us , we take a piece of them with us on our journey x x gentle hugs and love x
You’ve seen the stubborn tilt of my chin? Dammit, thought I managed to hide that ?Thank you for the hugs lovely xx
I know all about losing a parent you are close to. Indeed, grief is love… although we don’t always experience it like that.
Your loss is so much fresher. It does get easier, I promise. xx
I am sure he would be hugely proud of you.
I think he would. I just hope he has got an exciting new life rather than waiting round keeping an eye on his little girl.
I can so identify with your words. I was older when my dad died and so he knew my son and his cousins well. But at my son’s wedding in December I felt a pang for my absent dad. This is a lovely, poignant post xx
Grief catches us out at times, doesn’t it? Keeping the ones we have lost in our hearts is the best way to keep them with us. Xx
This was such a heartfelt and honest post. Thank you for sharing 🙂
It was hard to share, but definitely better out than in.
This was a really moving post and I can relate to much of it. Thanks for sharing!
I find it comforting that others can relate. Sometimes when things are dark it’s easy to think we are all on our own.