Cunnilingus and Me

Photo by Jessica Gaudioso from Pexels

The Tell Me About prompt for this week is Oral Sex

I hadn’t planned on taking part as I have spoken about one of my favourite sex acts at length at regular points. I still have more to say, but I had planned to have a break before I begin. For me fellatio is right up there as a favourite past-time, however cunnilingus is a sticky subject. No pun intended… I have shared posts that touch on my experiences before, but it lost most of its charm during my marriage with P.

I shared my disdain of receiving oral with Sir, and he never asked it of me. As I learnt to orgasm from scratch I discovered deep and rumbly, or intense and buzzy vibrations. Toys, of varying shapes and styles, all offering release in ways that I could enjoy quickly, easily and repeatedly. I rarely used my hands either, craving mechanical assistance over physical touch. In all honesty I had never experienced satisfaction like it. As the years have passed I have become skilled in my own pleasure, and enjoy being brought to orgasm by others with the collection of toys that continues to grow.

So, why would I suddenly decide to write about being brought to orgasm with a mouth?

It all started with a suggestion that I use my mouth to bring a friend to climax. If I wanted to have a play date with her then that was the condition. I was so worried, and voiced my concerns. I love to give pleasure, but my skills are more hands on than lips on. It guarantees the climax that I so wish to give. I don’t recall the last time I achieved orgasm on a tongue. In fact, it is so long since I have felt a mouth pressed against my plump lips at all. My over riding memory is of being shamed for not orgasming when P spent so much time down there. And his tongue used to turn my stomach, though  I didn’t understand why. How can I give pleasure in this way when I have no frame of reference regarding what feels good? I got myself in a terrible pickle and had a really grumpy couple of days followed by a very snotty exchange with sir. He knew how challenging it would be for my confidence, but had absolute faith in me. So much faith, in fact, that I wasn’t allowed to take any toys.

Well, if he had faith in me then surely things would be fine?

The play date went well, and he was right to have faith, but I still don’t know how he knew.

That is giving though, and that is very much my kink! Receiving is a different matter. And I still couldn’t shake off the discomfort in my mind. Unsure if it was a mental block or if I am actually just unresponsive to oral. It is peculiar that I can orgasm through cock worship, but struggle with enjoying being tasted and teased with a tongue. (Sorry, I wasn’t going to discuss blow jobs!) So I shared with sir that I would be happy to explore this if he wants to, not with any pressure to climax, but for titillation and exploration. Maybe including pain or biting? Who knows where that conversation will lead us…

While wondering about his mouth I started to question if I had a post in me for the prompt. I read through the other posts and spotted a post by May More, chronicling her journey to enjoyment. Though our first forays into receiving oral sex were very different we both had issues around it, and though our stories were so different the similarities were astonishing. She discusses her dislike of intimacy during sex, choosing to fuck over making love. As I read this post I realised something that I had not understood before. It is intimacy that I have been nervous of in the context of a sexual relationship. Emotional intimacy, yes, I love it. With sir I can share anything and everything. I also have wonderful friends who I can do the same with. This is platonic intimacy, and I have taken great leaps forward in allowing myself to be vulnerable and experience this over the last 6 years since gaining friends.

Physical intimacy though: being that close to someone, being that responsible for their pleasure, being unsure and lacking in confidence. Allowing someone to make love to my pussy with their mouth, to allow myself to enjoy the situation and feel… it still feels like a big leap. Huge in fact.

Is it something I am ready for yet? Who knows?

I know it wouldn’t be the first time, I still recall my first orgasm at the hands (or should that be mouth) of another. And there have been flashes of inspiration along the way. But my love of orgasms, fear of physical intimacy and lack of desire to let anyone down (yes, even as a receiver) perhaps they are standing in the way? I look forward to letting my guard down, to seeing what I am tasked to experience and to finding more freedom from the demons that plagued me for so long. They so rarely pop up anymore, I can look forward to meeting them head on.

Maybe one day I will once again find my way to bliss through oral.

Tell Me About

The Oral Sex Project

Cunnilingus and Me was first published on A Leap of Faith

4 comments

  1. Well you are certainly not spilt for choice in your exploration of oral sex. Having platonic play mates is a great way of trying new thing I guess as there’s less emotion invested and a bit fun and practicality! Great post.

    1. There is just as much emotional investment i think, just in different ways. but as its platonic there is rarely any sex involved so not so much an option there. I need to write about what platonic intimacy means to me really, don’t I?

  2. This was a really interesting post. I also struggle with receiving oral but I don’t think it’s the intimacy that is the issue for me as I am ok with that. It’s more that I need to be lost and I feel too self conscious, too present to be able to let go so as a result it seems to have no effect. I think there seems definitely more to explore here 😊

  3. However much I love to give or received (the former happens much more than the latter) oral sex, receiving doesn’t always work for me. I describe it as being ‘too much in my head’ as many thoughts about taste, smell, and anything you can think of related to what is happening ‘down there’ consume my mind so much that I cannot just surrender to the feeling of pleasure. Like Missy said… ‘too self conscious, too present’. Great post, and I do hope you will get back to finding your bliss through oral 🙂
    ~ Marie

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