Ghosts Goblins And Silence

It is a great pleasure to welcome Swirling Fire to A Leap Of Faith, with her piece Ghosts Goblins and Silence. Swirly and I have been twitter friends for a little while now, though her writing has been helping me gain insight into my own personal pain for much longer.

Right at the start of my blogging journey I clicked with one particular site, though one day it just wasn’t there anymore. While reading another blog, Insights and Ramblings of Melody I found the corner Melody had set up for this powerful voice and as I read the words on my screen I realised she was the same writer that had disappeared in my early days of reading blogs: Swirling Fire 2

I would definitely encourage you to go and check out both of their work. But not until you’ve read this:

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I often anticipate the winter seasonal changes with dread.  Nothing good ever happens after August. It was always a time of sibling birthdays, changes to school class set streams, friends leaving, new faces arriving. A time of year when people start making plans for the seasonal winter holidays. I often feel I would be best suited as an hibernating  hedgehog. Interesting to look at but woe betide anyone that dares interrupt my secretive inner slumber

The months would  always start with a siblings birthday party, I was always excluded. If I dared peep into the room I would be met with abuse and humiliation thrown at me.

 In retrospect, a coming of age and theatrical showing off in front of friends. The physical assault would be far more private. Another troubled person raging against an unpleasant presence before warring parents.

Another year older, a little bit wiser?

Keeping my own company is now the norm. Becoming accustomed knowing I can rarely depend upon anyone for real face to face friendship’s without agenda. As harsh as that sounds, it took many years of emotional pain of being used, unravelling to almost total oblivion of mindWizard (mW) perpetual assaults to all aspects of my being and, his evil non consensual disrespect [though I guarantee, he  will stand in court, swear on oath, I misunderstood light spanking was CNC, non negotiated violent sick rape games] never a safe person to be with, vicious physical, emotional and risky games for my mental, emotional, physical & medical health.

 I’m sure my own silence was complicit in ‘allowing’ so may sleights against my body taken against my consent. Learning to hold my tongue probably kept me in places I should have left and no doubt the only reason I now am around to share my experiences. 

Yes, I hear you say, “you should have ended things, run away, screamed no, called the police”,  etc etc 

Let me ask you a few questions in return:

• Why are YOU in relationship with this man?
• Why are you throwing yourself at this man that specifically interacts/seduces women almost a third of his age?
• Why are you still best mates & drinking buddies with this man?
• Why are you still desperate for attention from this  man that  treats internet strangers with more respect than he shows sexual partners?
• Why are you so keen to be a part of a clique pack that enables this man & other rapists, bullies and sick deviant anti social behaviour? 

{I’m referencing personality not consensual sexual pre negotiated activities}-  the old women that enable online trolling & abuse, the over exposed pick me women, those with the cheating hubby that are clueless, the clever intelligent women who phuque married men without spousal consent then repeatedly play victim when wifey is gunning for them, those jealous of young firm fleshed bloggers but will happily drain their goodness & feast on their blood, those that are proven compulsive, manipulative liars,  groomers,  Rapists and serial abusers.

All these people have dictated how I should live my life and interact with others.  Yet, many of you enable and continue to ‘blindly’ (*they’re great with me*) support this abhorrent practice, continuing to do so too. 

Have the perennial horrors of Halloween seeped into daily life? 

What are you so afraid of? 

Why does change scare you so much?

Where is your voice of reason, ethical practice and great example of living a good life? Ah yes, your #Bekind homilies, epithets & QT instructions how others should do better.

Why do you specifically, knowingly and repeatedly do harm to others?

Seasonal costumes not necessary for many. Use the real horror beneath the daily face mask that slipped.  

Strong boundaries at a young age and the ability to express them would have dramatically changed my life.

Why can’t people Develop a backbone?

Regain some semblance of honour and integrity?

When will you cease to be a creeping cancerous enabler ?

Always the virtual signalling how fabulous you are – Oh, do phuqueOrf you simpering stupid little girls and boys. Grow up, read the room,

support your friends not compete with them for their valueless internet infamy that will shrivel and die all too soon. 

There will always be a fresh hunting pack ready to tear the old guard apart. Perhaps you’ll be in the next wave? 

I realise now,  rarely trusting my gut from the swathes  & types of damaged people listed above played a massive part in trying to reduce me to Ash.

Now the season of ‘things that go bump in the night’ is upon us once again. I find comfort in death, decay and apparitions. A constant, unchanging state of reliability. Those that once knew me in person {returning to former career seeking income post lockdown} have commented upon changes in my personality.  I’ve worked so hard to use my voice in a positive way. Hours of Rape Trauma Therapy, Journaling as self discovery, hosted blogging,  prose and wider interactions with some of your friends, some the most deceitful people on the planet. The malevolent silent creeping cancers that invade the psyche, steal souls in order to feast on others goodness  to mimic and maintain their normal front facing behaviour, when, with physical proof, I can show a very different set of facts.  

Whilst many think “ trick or treat” is an annual winter childhood game, for many of us, we see the scary deranged monsters everyday.

Everyone leaves but not everyone Ghosts. I currently continue to live with the ghosts of my life, in all their spectral forms. 

@SwirlingFire 16 October  2021

Ghosts, Goblins and Silence is the latest addition to my Guest Post section. If you’ve enjoyed this hard hitting piece, perhaps you’ll enjoy Slave Lytton’s writing on Trust and the catharsis of tears.