With my move imminent, and M and I back on speaking terms it was time to get ready for a new beginning.
P rolled over and accepted the move when I told him the plan, I guess he was effectively let off the hook as far as parenting went. The boys didn’t take any convincing either. They immediately liked the town and the school, the local moors and beaches were quick to capture their attention too.
I was so lucky to have my beautiful friend B on hand with sage advice.
She helped me to understand that while I loved M, if I wanted him in my life I needed to take those feelings of romantic and needy love and turn them on their head, into loving feelings of friendship. She didn’t say that it would be easy, but she showed me that it would be possible. She had experienced something similar with an incompatible ex recently and they were the best of friends.
With the boxes packed, the van filled and my keys collected M and I set off down the familiar route.
Emotionally and physically exhausted I sat next to him in the cab. He was in the driver’s seat and tunes were playing quietly through the speaker by my ear. We barely spoke on the trip, not through awkwardness or animosity, rather lost in our own thoughts. As I looked out of the window at the frozen trees as we climbed speedily through the forest I noticed the snow flakes falling and settling in small banks on the verge. In reply I began to silently weep, I don’t know why. Sadness for my lost relationship? Grief for the marriage that wasn’t meant to be? Relief at the new start? Maybe even fear?
Gathering myself before we pulled up outside my new front door I felt lighter.
Something inside me had been released on that drive, perhaps I had set myself free? And once the van was empty and the beds assembled I took M out for a carvery. A small token of my appreciation. We sat and ate far too much food, laughing together and enjoying each others company as friends.
Back in comfortable companionship. The kind that only happens when you are happy in your own self.
I was beginning to realise my value again. To not only see that I didn’t have to file down the edges of my square peg in order to fit the round hole, but to believe it independently of outside forces telling me it was so. Life had been hard at times, but I would never ever give up. The move signified a fresh start for me, a new set of choices. How would I choose to rebuild my life? A fork in the path that lay ahead.
But which way would I choose to go?
There is no such thing as an ending, just a new beginning was first published on A Leap of Faith.