With my move imminent, M and I were back on speaking terms. It was time to get ready for a new beginning. You see, I was learning that there was no such thing as an ending. P had rolled over and accepted the move when I told him the plan. I guess he was effectively let off the hook as far as parenting went. The boys didn’t take any convincing either. They immediately liked the town and the school, the local moors and beaches were quick to capture their attention too.
I was so lucky to have my beautiful friend B on hand with sage advice.
She helped me to understand that while I loved M, if I wanted him in my life I needed to take those feelings of romantic and needy love and turn them on their head, into loving feelings of friendship. It wouldn’t be easy, she was crystal clear on that, but she showed me that it would be possible. Having experienced something similar with an incompatible ex recently, they had managed to remain the best of friends.
With boxes packed, van loaded, and keys collected M and I set off.
Emotionally and physically exhausted I sat next to him in the cab as we travelled the familiar route. He was in the driver’s seat and tunes were playing quietly through the speaker by my ear. We barely spoke on the trip, not through awkwardness or animosity, rather lost in our own thoughts. As I looked out of the window at the frozen trees we climbed speedily through the forest. I noticed the snow flakes falling, settling in small banks on the verge. In reply I began to silently weep, I don’t know why. Sadness for my lost relationship? Grief for the marriage that wasn’t meant to be? Relief at the new start? Maybe even fear?
If there’s no such thing as an ending, maybe the tears were washing away the pain?
Cleansing me for the new beginning. Gathering myself before we pulled up outside my new front door I felt lighter. Something inside me had been released on that drive, perhaps I had set myself free? And once the van was empty and the beds assembled I took M out for a carvery. A small token of my appreciation. We sat and ate far too much food, laughing together and enjoying each others company as friends. Back in comfortable companionship.
The kind that only happens when you are happy in your own self.
I was beginning to realise my value again. It dawned on me that I didn’t have to file down the edges of my square peg in order to fit the round hole, and I was starting to believe it- independently of outside forces telling me it was so. Life had been hard at times, but I would never ever give up. The move signified a fresh start for me, a new set of choices. How would I choose to rebuild my life? A fork in the path that lay ahead.
But which direction would I choose to travel?
No Such Thing As An Ending is the continuation of the story at the centre of this blog. Find the next post here: You’re Always One Decision Away From A Totally Different Life.