Happy anniversary!

My very special celebration drink. Thanks to Tony James Photography.

Today I am celebrating.

It is one year since my divorce was finalised. I’m very good at remembering important dates so realising this today was a very welcome surprise.

Life will never be without challenges, but every day seems to be sweeter now. Yes, even the rubbish ones!

So feel free to raise a glass and toast my freedom!

Fresh from the tap.
February Photofest


If it scares you it might be a good idea to try.


The saying “Be careful what you wish for” comes to mind as I continue on with my memories.

Actually the exact phrase that comes to mind is Be careful what videos you save to an xHamster account that you share with your Dominant, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I have mentioned before that MrN wanted me to set up a shareable page on the popular porn site xHamster and that I had one already set up with videos of things I was curious about. When we had our next scheduled evening there was part of me which wished I had cleared out the account before sharing the log-in details, started with a clean slate with him. While I was trying to maintain concentration on the conversation, with a medium butt plug in place, he brought up one of the videos I had saved a while back…

It was a lady who was fisting herself, and she looked like she was really rather enjoying it.

He asked what had inspired my choosing that one, so I came clean. When I had started on my journey with Sir he had asked about fisting, and I said I would try but was scared as I didn’t think it would be possible for me. I may be a mum of two, but they were both born by caesarean! So I had taken to the internet for research and inspiration, following a trail of filth through stretching and fisting, anal fisting and rosebuds, finally ending up on self-fisting. The video I had saved (and watched over and over to make sure it was real, obviously) was of a young lady getting into an uncomfortable looking position, and actually managing to insert her whole hand into vagina. The faces she pulled while the video went on were not particularly alluring, but the fact that she could do it made me excited that one day I may be able to do that too. And if I could do it to myself…? Well, someone would be able to do it to me.

Why don’t you get started then? he asked me.

He made a very good case, I could take the time that I needed to gain flexibility and also to stretch myself. He didn’t mind if it took a while, but he would like to see that I was trying. The facts were that I had saved it myself and wanted to do it even though I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to. These made a good enough reason for him to ask. Not including his desire to watch me in my very own video for him… complete with those faces, which were unattractive to me but had the opposite effect on him.

That was all the incentive I needed.

At the time I was slim and fit, with very little excess tummy and a decent level of flexibility and strength. I worked out that if I wore my killer heels and perched on my bed the angles all made sense and I could reach where I needed to. It helps that I am partially double-jointed, the only use I have found for this oddity of my body (aside from being able to win hands-on-the-floor competitions at the pub.) Confident that I could reach I started working on stretching myself so that my hand would fit. The reading I had done focussed on fisting someone else. Did you know there is a Facebook group for fisting, complete with safety guidance and technique discussions??!! Because of the angles I wouldn’t be able to fully twist my wrist at the halfway point…

I was just going to have to work it out for myself, google just wasn’t ready for my curiosity!!

It took me a couple of weeks, with regular stretching and attempts, to get to the point where I thought it may be possible. I had been keeping MrN in the loop as per my progress, and he was encouraging in the face of my scepticism. I still didn’t believe that this would work. So I set up the camera, got my heels on and perched on the edge of my bed. Using my wand to moisten me up a little I used insertables to stretch myself open, and once I had an orgasm there seemed little else to do but go for it. I lubed my hand up and started.

Feeling the ripples from the preceding climax around my bunched up fingers was quite arousing in itself.

Getting to the knuckles I started to pull my fingers into a ball and managed a slight twist in my wrist. It had the desired effect of drawing the rest of my hand in, like a corkscrew. I was so surprised that I had managed it. And I was so full, I could feel my arousal all over my hand now, as I clamped down on myself. It is an indescribable sensation, and had I been more comfortable  I would have stayed there longer, but I was starting to get cramp in my side and had to remove my hand. Taking a deep breath and feeling my overstretched muscles return to size I was left with a sense of calm. The kind of peace that I associate with deep sexual satisfaction. And while the video was uploading for sending to MrN I enjoyed the company of my Doxy for a little longer, and floated off in my little bubble of joy.

The feeling of achieving a long-held goal is powerfully erotic for me, and knowing that I had pleased someone else as well… I was one happy submissive.


The Mystery Blogger Award

mystery blogger award.png

Thank you to Curious Clitty and Lady Clio for nominating me for the Mystery Blogger Award, created by Okoto Enigma to highlight amazing blogs which have yet to be discovered. 

Here are the rules!

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.

• List the rules.

• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

• Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.

• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself. (Two nominations so I have doubled up!)

• Answer the questions you were asked. (ten in total, grab a cup of tea!)

• You have to nominate 10 people.

• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

• Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question.

• Provide a link to your favourite post.

So, six things about me:

  1. One of the many things I have discovered over the last 3 years is that I am an introvert. I always thought I was socially inept, but actually I’m not. I love people, they are endlessly fascinating! INFJ is my “official” Myers-Briggs personality test result, and, although I tend to take these things with  pinch of salt, I can see how well I fit into that box.
  2. Speaking of boxes, I am hesitant to get stuck in one. Labels are a source of frustration for me. In the kink community I am known as The Barefoot Sub, but there is so much more to me. Yes, I do identify as submissive and with Sir I have no other way, but I also have so many other interests (keep following my blog, all will be revealed) so I skip merrily from box to box, and the only label I am comfortable wearing is Me
  3. I am a believer in the saying “You never know how strong you are until you need to be” There are things that nobody should ever have to go through. I have been through some bad times, but I have found there is a huge well of strength which I have been making use of. Finding the strength to not be angry anymore was a surprise. Discovering that I am strong enough to not need external validation… Mind Blowing! 
  4. I am a dog person. If I could commit the time I would have an Irish Wolfhound, a Great Dane, or a Lurcher. 
  5. My favourite season is autumn. Partly due to the changing colours and the cool but not cold temperatures, but mostly because I love stormy weather and jumping in puddles is the most fun I can have with my children.
  6. If I was a flavour of ice cream I would be Lemon Meringue, because I look vanilla but when you start looking closer I have many different textures and layers, and I’m a little bit of a tart!

Here are Curious Clitty’s questions, and my answers

1. What is your first ever memory?

My first memory is of being at the swimming pool with my mum and brother. We were all together in the shallow end until I climbed out while mum was distracted for a moment.  Freedom!! I started wandering up towards the deep end. I can still remember the black and white tiles under my little feet as I made my way up with my arm bands on. When I got there I jumped in… absolutely no fear! Sadly that is where the memory ends, but I’m still here so it can’t have been too awful.

2. What is the first book you remember reading as a child?

I remember reading Dogger by Shirley Hughes It was the book that I wanted to borrow from the library over and over again. When I had worn it out, and the library were getting rid of it, my mum bought it for me (for 10p) and I still have that much-loved hardback book in my dwindling collection of sentimental keepsakes.

3. What is the first album you ever owned?

I saved all of my money and bought a CD player just before Christmas when I turned 14. The two albums that I was given for Christmas were The Ultimate Disney Collection and Michelle Gayle’s self titled album.

4. If you could choose to go back in time when would you choose to go back to and why?

I have a recurring back injury which was initially sustained while out wakeboarding. The last time I had an awful flare up a friend recommended I see an osteopath. I didn’t for about 3 months, and I struggled on. When I finally gave in to the advice it was a revelation! I haven’t had a flare up for 2 years now. If I could go back in time it would be to the time I was given the advice, and I would take it.

5. If you were a perfume/cologne which one would you be?

I’m almost embarrassed to say, but… Joop pour Homme

Here are Lady Clio’s questions, and my answers.

1. What was the best piece of advice you ever received?

Something my dad always used to say “You can’t live your life backwards.” It set me up for a life of no regrets, just constant learning.

2. If money was not an object, what building would you restore and why?

I wouldn’t buy a building, I would go for a vintage double-decker bus and kit it out for luxury travel, then I would take my boys on adventures around the world. (Also, I love the idea of a mobile dungeon!)

3. What do you do to relax and unwind?

I go for a run or a long walk on the moors. I will often take my rope too, and do a quick  self tie on top of a tor. 

4. How do you show love to someone?

I give people my time and I feed them. I also give them the space to be them, and I show them my soft underbelly. Not many people have seen me cry, and if you have then it is a sure sign that I love you and trust you enough to be that vulnerable with you.

5. How old were you when you first started your blog?

I was 35. I started my blog two months ago now. 

Here are my five questions:

  1. What is your most embarrassing memory?
  2. What flavour ice cream would you be, and why?
  3. What are your top five favourite books?
  4. What would you have for your last meal? No restrictions, go wild!
  5. Where would you go for your next holiday, and what would you do? As with question 4, no restrictions!

And my nominations are:

Unoriginal (love) notes

Verse In Emotion


An Accidental Anarchist

Building The Love Shack

The Indecisive Writer

Dominance in Progress


deviant wench

Heart and Soul

I look forward to reading your answers.

This is my favourite post to date.


Feelings that come back are feelings that never really went away.

Full body hishi

It was a saturday morning like many others.

My childfree weekend had freed me up to attend a local peer rope workshop. One tie in particular has foxed me since I took up tying and there was to be a demo that I did not want to miss. It was to be shown last, and as I made myself and my bunny a cup of tea before it started I pulled out my phone. One new email:


How’s life?


I felt the colour drain from my cheeks, but as I waited for the tea to brew, reading and re-reading those 4 unassuming words, my messenger pinged. I had sent him a message shortly before my first big event 16 months ago, not long after he left, and now, when I am about to learn a tie that I am desperate to master, he replies!

…back in the UK this week…I owe you an intense scene…if you want one…

If I want one…Why wouldn’t I want one? Sir….my Sir…20 months have passed and you are still in my mind. 

My brain running at a million miles per hour I finished making the drinks and took them back through. My bunny noticed something was up, offered me to sit the tie out once I had explained the situation. I didn’t want to though. Rope is a place where I go when the world seems too much. And that, right then, was definitely too much. I muddled through the rest of the workshop, and got to grips with the skill I wanted to learn, bursting into the fresh air after and replying as soon as I was safely back in my car…with an oddly short message. A brief exchange and we provisionally arrange to see each other the following friday, if he can make it, and he asks what I have been up to since he went away. I promise a full reply later, but have to continue with my day.

And so it continued through the week. I filled him in with a brief summary of the last 20 months of my life (It may have taken 2 hours to type) with a small selection of pictures. There were tasks; some I could choose for myself, some he requested, all pushing me forward as had always been the way, with him knowing what I find particularly challenging but never crossing the fixed limits. It is a long time since I have raised my eyes to the ceiling and, with a grin, wondered what on earth I am doing, but as ever with him I was doing it all because I wanted to. We discuss the potential for future tasks in his absence, with him working abroad for a couple of months and only back for short periods, and with limited access to email, he is unable to make promises to me. Somehow I don’t mind, just having him back in my life is exactly what I need. I hadn’t let myself think on how much I had missed him and our dynamic, but now I can see why no-one else has come close.

And then Friday arrived, along with confirmation that he would be free and in the area.

I arrived at the hotel, prepared and excited. I collected myself outside his door, pushed it open, and stepped inside. Reverie can play tricks on the mind, and I had almost hoped I would leave disappointed, say “thank you for the memories Sir, you have been wonderful but it’s time for me to move along.” But my memories were crystal clear, and our short time together was as satisfying as I those I had replayed over the interlude.

With the review sent the following day, another task followed, harder this time, always harder, and I completed it well…

Very well done N


And then he is gone again, as I knew he would be.

But unlike last time I have tasks, an ongoing connection with the man to whom I owe so much, and all I can offer in return is my submission.

This blog is my journey… how I came to this point and onwards, ever onwards.





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