Then it hits you so much harder than you thought it would.

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M and I soon settled into a routine of spending the weekends together and an occasional weeknight.

With my children home much of the time and living an hours drive apart our time in each others company was somewhat limited. M had met the boys before, and they thought he was wonderful. On the weekends they were home he would come up on the saturday night and spend the sunday with us, the boys really enjoyed his company too and he was very fond of them and their characters. He didn’t have his own children, and he never tried to behave like a dad to them, but he was a positive male role model for them at a time when that was lacking from their dad, P. I also really appreciated his support when times were challenging with the boys. Someone who knew them but wasn’t directly involved, and wouldn’t tell me that I was doing it all wrong or laugh at me when I found it hard.

And things were very hard at times.

My eldest was waiting for an appointment with the autism diagnosis team. He has always been a wonderful little boy but I had known something was a little bit different from a very early age. Some of his behaviours were particularly difficult to manage, and without a diagnosis support is incredibly hard to come by. Add to that P had convinced my family that I was imagining things and there was no reason for anybody to pay attention to what I was saying. So having those strong arms to wrap me up when the job of being mum was almost overwhelming was just what I needed.

As lovers first, friends second and significant others third there was a strong bond in place already. 

As two quiet souls we enjoyed companionable silence, we also enjoyed heated debate and decent conversations. Cooking meals for each other became almost a competition, we quickly discovered that our book shelves contained some of the same recipe books so would try to better the last offering. Aside form prawns and olives we had very similar taste so it was always going to be a treat whoever cooked. As a single mum with two fussy children I had rarely had the time or inclination to cook a decadent meal for myself, and as a bachelor M had little motivation either. How things changed, along with our waistlines… It was a comfortable situation to be in, but our trousers did not offer the same comfort.

Kink wise I stepped away from the community I had started to engage with.

Not because he asked me to, on the contrary he was very supportive of me getting to munches and events. The problem came with my mindset. I did not get a large amount of child-free time, and it was certainly never something I could plan aside from the occasional weekend. I was also not used to being in a close relationship where I had freedom, where it was taken as given that I had strength and confidence. Yes, I had been owned by sir for almost 2 years, but our dynamic was not one of comfortable silences and gentle walks in the countryside; he had trained me to please him, and empowered me to start becoming a Strong Confident Woman. My brain did not compute and everything was very intense. I can see now the difference between love and attachment but at that point M and I were drowning in each other.

When the opportunities arose to spend time with M, my safe space, I jumped at them.

I was coming to the end of my counselling when we got together, but I had no idea how fragile I still was, how little of my marriage I had worked through, and how angry I was with the world around me. How angry I was with myself… All of these feelings were too raw, too big and too scary to deal with, and my friend and lover M gave me hope that the world wasn’t totally dark. At this point I believed that sir had convinced myself that sir had just wanted to get rid of me because I was a rubbish sub, I knew (without a doubt) that the problems within my marriage were my fault, and that when my children acted up it was a direct reflection of my parenting.

What a weight to be placed on one man’s shoulders?!

Particularly when he had never asked for that responsibility. He had suggested we become monogamous, he loved me as fiercely as I loved him, but it must have been hard going for him. I struggled to believe that he meant what he said, that he was actually enjoying our time together. To the world I was doing well, embracing life and moving forward, but wrapped up in the deep dark embrace of depression my world began to shrink again.

M was my bright star of hope in an otherwise dark sky. 

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Patience is not the ability to wait- it’s how we behave while we are waiting.

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With my meeting with B fast approaching K had also brought up the subject of joining us.

She broached the subject with me one evening over dinner. We often spent the evening together at hers when my boys were with their dad and her partner was at work. She kept me updated with their (her and her partner’s) exploration into the swinging world. The clubs, the couples and the mistakes. Since we had become friends she had started to explore herself more, and had gained so much confidence in her ability to orgasm that she was now camming alongside taking paid calls. What she wasn’t able to do is explore kink with her partner, and she was curious as she saw how much I got from it. She was very shy when she asked if the offer was still there for her to join me and sir, but I reassured her that it would be lovely to have her join us. All she needed to do was send him an email, and open the lines of communication.

K seemed relieved that the offer was still there, but very hesitant to make contact…

Over the next few days we exchanged many text messages, and she finally opened up about being dyslexic and her fear of looking stupid in an email to someone I had so much respect for. I had to pick up the phone and explain to her (with gentle amusement) that I was yet to meet anyone less likely to judge her for being dyslexic than him. He had told me at the start of our communication that he was profoundly dyslexic, I knew that he would understand! And now I understood why she had held back from sending him the email all those months ago. And then she got in touch with sir, and they started discussing her likes and dislikes. As her experiences had been around swinging he asked her if she understood that we would be playing within a D/s context, and he suggested she talk to me about what would be involved. He also asked her for more information on a couple of points she had raised.

Then she closed off again. This was hard work!

We would spend time together, and chatted about what he had suggested, but she didn’t want to answer his questions. I said that I would support her in typing up the response, but couldn’t write it for her, and I certainly wouldn’t be pressurizing her. If she had changed her mind I wouldn’t think badly of her. That way of playing isn’t for everyone, and she was my friend first, and potential play partner second. This is the text message I got the next day:

I totally wanna try this out x if i don’t like it then fine at least i know i will be safe trying it x

It turned out that she wanted me to help her write the email because she didn’t know what to write, and I had to explain to her that it need to come from her, in an open and honest way. If I helped her then I may inadvertently put pressure on her to do things she didn’t want to do, and I would not be doing that!

At that K was back on the case, and put together her answers for sir. 

With their conversation back on track and a date pencilled in for the following week sir set me a task. To come up with a something which included her, to please him. So one evening, with a bottle of wine in hand, I knocked on her door. She knew that I wanted to ask her something, and was a bit embarrassed about it. What didn’t know was that her partner was joining us for the evening, following an early finish. Ah well, she was quite happy with my request, and with help from her partner I sent sir a picture of us topless, with body writing. Sir’s slut and slut’s buddy. He was pleased with my efforts, and her partner thought it was hilarious, but K and I were focussed on the upcoming scene, both nervous but for very different reasons.

A scene which seemed to come around very quickly indeed, after all of the hard work and patience required to get to this point.

Me and k

Let us stumble through the night and make friends with all the stars.

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Time continued to slip past like water slips through my fingers.

After K had said she wanted to join me and Sir for a scene she had given me her email address so he could contact her. He asked that I gave her his contact details so that he would know it was her choice to contact him. As time passed he still hadn’t heard from her, and we decided that I shouldn’t remind her about it as I didn’t want to be that friend. If she wanted to join us but had lost his details then she could ask, but if she had changed her mind it would be better to not push things and pressure her.

So I kept up a search on fabswingers, for a female playmate and a woman to join us.

One of the ladies I had spoken to in my very early days on the site had been nervous about BDSM and exploring her bi side. She had never been with a woman, and had experienced dark times in her first foray into kinky sex. We had chatted for a while, and then parted company. One day I noticed B pop up in my “Last 100 people to view you” page so I thought I would say hello. I discovered that she had been thinking about the scenario again, but would be nervous about blindfolds. She would also like to have a social meet first (a new thing for her, but standard practise for me) to see if there was any attraction to me. I would be her first female playmate and she was very nervous. She seemed to be quite interested in the power exchange dynamic between myself and sir, but was clear that she wasn’t submissive at all.

We were arranging the social meet for an early summer’s evening while the boys were with their dad when B surprised me.

She said that she wanted to ask sir if he was happy for us to meet. After checking with him I put her in contact. She was clearly very careful that he would understand she was asking if I would be allowed to meet her, rather than the other way around. 

I would really like to meet with N and have my first Bi experience.
Are you happy to give N permission to meet with me? if after chatting, that is something she would like to do
I look forward to hearing from you

With his blessing we finalised plans to spend an evening getting to know each other. Both keen sea swimmers we decided to go to the beach for an evening dip, and then find a cafe for a drink. The swim was wonderful and we laughed in the waves, then, with the sea sparkling in our eyes we dried and dressed on the beach and over a hot chocolate the conversation flowed. We got on so well we decided to stay out for dinner, and there was definite spark. We swapped stories about our experiences on fab and life in general, even sharing a kiss which we both enjoyed. She commented on feeling sexual attraction towards me, and being surprised to be feeling that, and I had to agree.

We parted ways at the end of the evening, and promised to keep in touch. 

We planned to meet again soon, hopefully to play. She wanted to gain confidence again before stepping into the world of BDSM again, her experiences with Dominant men had been less than positive, but in the meantime we could both gain confidence with women. Looking back now I see that evening with B as a date. It was not just my first date with a woman, it was my first date EVER. At this point I had no idea how important this wonderful woman would become to me.

Beautiful, bonkers, and brilliant B.

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