When is a Dominant Really a Dominant?

It’s no secret that a lot of women are brought into the dominant role by their male partners, who have their own fantasies of how life will be once the woman takes the reins. Often this will be portrayed in a way that makes being a dominant sound exotic, exciting and even beneficial for their own pleasure.
Is it really like this though?

Learning the Ropes (Or How I Learned to Have a Spine)

For many women, the first experiences of “what it means to be a dominant” or “how to dominate a man” will
come second hand from the man in question. We cover lots of these topics at Total Chastity, but ultimately they still talk about his fetishes, his fantasies, or things that he wants you to do. Considering he’s meant to be
submitting to you, he still maintains a staggering amount of control over the situation.
And for many women, that’s all domination will ever be. Simply another way to do what their male partner
wants.
My boyfriend at the time was the same, simply wanting me to tease and edge him, but failing to mention all the other ways I could exert control over him. Luckily, I did my own research, and you can imagine his surprise
when I turned up at his apartment equipped with a strap on one night.
See the biggest problem with many “dominant” women is that they never speak up. They never tell their
partners what they want to do. And as the one taking the control in the session, they should do the things they
want to. (Of course, this shouldn’t involve doing anything that the other person isn’t comfortable with, and ideally the dynamic should be discussed properly in advance. Unfortunately this doesn’t always happen).
For me, this awakening would be the end of my relationship, but only the beginning of my exploration.

Awakenings (Or My New Job at Total Chastity)

After the rather sudden end to my first taste of dominance, I decided to keep on exploring. But rather than
being pushed into it by my boyfriend, this time I was able to explore on my own.
Night after night I browsed the different kinds of porn, procrastination at work became an endless scroll of
different fetish sites and blogs (including this one!), and any opportunity I had to discuss dominance with
anyone I would grab with glee.
Before long I’d made connections, and managed to find several men who were happy to be dominated the way
I wanted to dominate them. Some were simple one night adventures, and others were more long term
arrangements. The key was that I was in control.
As I descended more and more into depravity, I managed to bag a job at Total Chastity, a retailer selling
chastity devices. These added a whole new dimension into my experience, as I could exercise control in more
ways than ever. It also gave me an opportunity to share my experience. A platform to encourage others to take
control on their terms.
So what advice would I give? How would I encourage other women to avoid the faux dominance of a man
making his fetishes known? Here’s a few of my tips:

It Should Be a Discussion, Not a Request

Often when men bring up this kind of kink, the conversation will be filled with “I’d like” or “I want you to”. This
isn’t dominance, this is fetish play. If your partner starts the conversation in this way, make sure to make your
wishes known. If you want to peg him, tell him! And if he’s not okay with it, then he’s probably not okay with
really giving you control.

Do Your Own Research

A lot of men who get into fetish play do a very good job of only bringing up the parts that they’re interested in. If he tells you he’s interested in edging, don’t just do it the way he tells you. Look up other ways you can edge him, new ways to tease him, new toys you can try on him. The Total Chastity blog section is a great place to start!

Set Clear Boundaries

Like every kind of kink play, boundaries are vital. It’s all too common for women to be gradually pushed into
kink scenarios that they don’t really want because it’s what their partner wants. Make it clear at the start what’s
off the table, and make sure he knows that you’ll be deciding how the kinks are explored, not him.

Make Sure There Are Consequences

It’s no good being in charge if your partner can just ignore your wishes and do what they want. Build a clear
punishment plan into your play. Make sure he knows that when he steps out of line there’s going to be
consequences.

Confidence is Key

Make sure you go into each session with a clear plan in mind, and be confident in that plan! It’s all too easy to
start off in a dominant position, but gradually run out ideas or not be sure what to do next. This takes away
from the thrill of role reversal, and can often lead to your submissive coaching you through the session, once
again taking away from your position as the dominant partner. Know what you want to do, and do it.

Make It Fun!

Most importantly, you should enjoy this kind of thing. If telling him what to do, when to do it, and spanking him when he doesn’t isn’t something that excites you then you’re never truly going to commit to the role. Find
things that get you excited and incorporate them into your dominance style. Maybe it’s chastity, maybe it’s
pegging, or maybe it’s something even kinkier.
Whatever level of dominance you want to explore in your relationship, please, please, PLEASE make sure that
your partner is actually letting you be the dominant. You’ll both enjoy it so much more and it can lead to some unforgettable experiences.

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Natalia

A secretary turned Mistress who had never even heard of male chastity, but got sucked into the community and now makes a living writing blogs and guides to help both slaves and Mistresses alike. She first discovered
chastity at the age of 25, and has been a full time dominant for the last 3 years.

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