clipart saying Hurt me with the truth but don't comfort me with a lie, shared for The truth about trust.

The truth about trust

clipart saying Hurt me with the truth but don't comfort me with a lie, shared for The truth about trust.

Recently I relayed a conversation to Sir, it centred around a throwaway comment from a friend. We were discussing a task, and I had specific instructions. She couldn’t understand how it would be possible to fulfil the brief and match up to the extra rules around social distancing. “He’ll never believe you” she said, as we parted ways. It troubled me to hear this, and I needed to discuss it with him. I’m not a liar and I would hate that others might think I am. It has been one of the cruellest ways that partners have taunted me in the past. His response floored me.

I would believe whatever you told me, this is trust.

This level of trust feels beyond amazing, but I can only be trusted like this because I am honest.

Possibly to a fault.

But growing up in a house of honesty made for interesting times growing up. In secondary school I was kind of friends with everyone but had a specific group of five friends. These lovely girls have grown into wonderful women, but at the time we clashed occasionally. Until I learnt the finer art of telling the truth while not hurting feelings. In fairness they soon learnt that if they wanted the truth they would ask me, and if they wanted something sugarcoated then they could ask another from the group. It took a few wrong responses before I learnt to change the “Yes, those trousers make your bum look big” became “perhaps a higher waist would suit your figure better”.

I learnt that I could be both kind and honest.

I stand by my truthfulness, it is integral to my being. Everyone knows where they stand. And I don’t need to try to remember what lies I have made up either. Which means that I have much more space in my head for wonderful memories to be stored.

I maintain this level of honesty with my children.

I find that an honest (and age appropriate) response is less likely to lead to more uncomfortable questions. Children have a special talent for honing in on mis-truths. I see it with friends who get embarrassed about questions such as where babies come from and death or severe illness. If I can’t tell my children the truth how can I expect them to be honest with me. Or  more importantly to trust me when I say I have their back!

There is no shame in being honest.

In fact the only time I have felt shame when I have told the truth is when I’ve had to be less than honest. I don’t mean the lies I had to tell P when I went out to meet others in the tail end of our marriage. I’m not proud of them, but they were necessary.

The hiding of my own truth to placate another was the pathway to shame for me.

With P it led to 12 years of allowing myself to be squished, to fit into a box that I didn’t really belong in. Recovery from this has led me to understanding and owning my life choices. Through having great people in my worlds and learning that they will be as honest with me as I can be with them. And recently, when I found myself in a situation where it felt like I was being forced back into that box again I found a way to be fight my corner and be completely honest with myself once more.

The worst part of these situations were the accusations around me being a liar.

Because that chips away at my core values. If I have someone in my life who doesn’t appreciate the truth then they are just taking up valuable space. It is generally these people who lie to me, and as I treat others in the way that I would like to be treated the honesty needs to work in both directions.

As odd as this may sound, for someone so honest I didn’t think I had ever been trusted in a relationship. I have always hoped that I am, especially with Sir, but it took a misunderstanding with a friend to prompt that conversation with Him, and to receive another wonderful lesson.

To learn what it feels like to be trusted.

 

Check out the other posts for Every Damn Day in June and Wicked Wednesday.

The truth about trust was first published on A Leap of Faith.

Image shared from clipart-library.

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 comments

  1. I can relate to you a lot in terms of being honest and having to learn a balance between honestly and being a little rude (unintentionally obv) lol. I think the sentiment you start off with, his response of him trusting you is at the core value of d/s relationships and what makes them so good, imo. I really enjoyed reading this post

    1. Haha, that’s the thing, isn’t it? When you have been brought up to always tell the truth, no matter how it sounds, to suddenly have to soften the edges is a learning curve all of its own.

      Trust though, those words were like a big hug. I’ve never KNOWN that someone feels like that before. And that it’s a man who I trust with my entire being is just magic 😊

  2. My husband and I have the same opinion: tell the truth then you don’t have to remember all the lies you have told. I have a cousin and an aunt who tell lies like they are printed, and it’s terrible, because from week to week their stories change and the don’t even notice. The truth is so much better, especially when told in a kind way 😉
    Great post.
    ~ Marie

    1. I’m glad it’s not just me then. I get confused enough with my children’s names, I don’t need to have the added pressure of remembering what I’ve said and to whom.
      My ex husband was incapable of telling the truth, and it was awful trying to remember what stories he had told to others. I couldn’t keep up.

  3. I hear this! My childhood and my relationships are very much as you describe. My OH expects honesty from me and I do from him too. I hate to be called a liar, that really rankles with me, but I catch myself trying to put a ‘spin’ on things sometimes to make myself look in the right – I stamp on this.

    There are a few things that I keep my own counsel on, mostly to do with my Posy persona because that is of course fabrication. But even with Posy I try to stick as close to the truth as I can while maintaining anonymity.

    1. It’s interesting that you have noticed you try to pop a spin on things to look like you’re in the right, and that you try and stamp on this trait. I have found that, on the rare occasion it happens, if I admit I’m in the wrong I have an opportunity to learn so much.

      I truly believe that we can only do our best though. N x

  4. I loved this post. Honesty is so important to me. I used to tell my kids that lying was worse than their first mistake. I have had to learn tact though.
    It’s funny but colleagues I work with will often come to me for my opinion. Why?? Because I tell it like it is and they know I’m honest.

  5. Trust is such a huge thing in relationships. I have the passcodes to all of my partners’ phones, but even though I sometimes am bitten by insecurities, I would *never* go into their phones without their permission, nor would they go into mine. One of my partners was recently accused of some shitty things. I didn’t hesitate to say that I knew he was being honest with me, and I didn’t need to look anything up to confirm it. I trusted him. Because honestly, if I don’t trust him, what’s the point in being in the relationship?

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. <3

    1. This is such an important thing. They trust you to have their passcodes, and you trust them so don’t use them. I like hearing about this kind of thing, it makes me smile. X

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