Gender, Sex and TMI Tuesday

This weeks TMI Tuesday is asking questions around gender identity and stereotypes, as well as sex and. sexuality and consent. I couldn’t not join in!

1. Do you consider your sex to be “conventional”? Why or why not?

My sex life is far from the conventional example that was set for me growing up. My mum, for example, still considers herself married to my dad, who passed away 24 years ago. While this is lovely, it is also sad. I was never like her, I was mischief before I was sexual, and hit the ground running when I reached maturity. As I grew up I felt a certain amount of shame around my behaviours, and so I did “the right thing”. I got married and had twelve year vanilla marriage that was less than healthy. Finding myself again was amazing. Learning that my relationship with pain (for example) was sexually gratifying helped everything make sense! Unlocking those parts of myself, the slutty areas I’d been shamed for, tried to bury, allowed me to grow in confidence and clarity.

Do you know something though? Conventional doesn’t mean right. And following my own path is proving the correct course of action for me. Wherever your tastes and needs align, so long as enthusiastic and informed consent is part of it, then there’s no problem, surely!

2. Gender Identity–How do you describe yourself?

• a. Male
• b. Female
• c. Trans Male/Trans Man
• d. Trans Female/Trans Woman
• e. Genderqueer/Gender Non­Conforming
• f. Different Identity

I describe myself as b. Female. My pronouns are she/her. As a child I always described myself as a Tomboy, and in many ways I still do. For a long, long time I was made to feel less than a woman, less than human really. But over the last seven years, and under the watchful eye of Sir, I have discovered my femininity. I am overjoyed to have claimed this side of myself, something I was denied for so long, and I’m proud of the woman I have become. And delighted to be able to share images as I unveil myself to me, one click at a time.

3. Sexual Orientation–Are you exclusively?

• a. Heterosexual
• b. Gay
• c. Lesbian
• d. Bisexual
• e. None of the above, specify if you wish.

My sexual orientation is definitely queer, as I discussed in my guest post Wrapped in rainbows.

4. Is understanding the causes and effects, and the formation of gender stereotypes important?

I think stereotypes are like labels. They help some people understand this crazy world we live in and allows them to line people up into categories. Personally, I don’t set much stock in conforming to other people’s expectations so don’t adhere to stereotypes either. I think, like with anything, a little knowledge is helpful. If we can understand the stereotypes we can choose to either be defined by them (or define others) or just acknowledge that they exist and move along with our own thing.

Bonus: Your thoughts on this–

“I’m in a committed relationship, and it feels like asking for consent every time we have sex is overkill—is that wrong?”

My thoughts on this are going to be based around the two most longest term committed relationships I’ve been part of. The first, my ex husband. The second, Sir. In my vanilla marriage my consent was not required for him to take what he wanted, even though I said no regularly. In my D/s relationship, Sir has my blanket consent because I know he will stop if I need/want him to. But he ALWAYS establishes my consent in advance. Regardless if we are enjoying something we’ve enjoyed many times before.

The way that that consent is discussed can vary massively, and, for me, having those boundaries checked is part of the foreplay. It’s sexy, builds tension and embeds the trust which is inherent in our relationship. Consent can be requested and given in so many ways. Over the course of a committed relationship I would imagine that asking “hey, shall we have sex tonight?” would be a bit… dull? But the joy of getting to know someone deeply, intimately, is that you learn to communicate on so many different levels. Try it. You might like it?

Gender, Sex and TMI Tuesday are my thoughts, have a look at Consider Sex to see what others think this week.