Self Fuckery With The Monster From Funzze

The monster from Funzze, stuck to the glass of my front door, could be a deterrent for cold callers.
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Thank you to Funzze for sending me this gorgeous monster of (self) fuckery. Not to be mistaken for the Funzze Orgasm Monster, reviewed back in March last year, this Monster is a dildo with ridges and patterns to set your sensitive parts on fire. The textured beast has been on a number of adventures with me while I’ve been attempting to give it a thorough review. But before I jump to my butt stuff in the woods, I should probably start at the beginning…

The parcel arrived as most other sexy deliveries do.

My 6.7″ Monster Dildo came in an inconspicuous plastic postal bag. The Funzze packaging is largely recyclable, with a foamy bag for the toy and plastic film to hygienically seal it.

Retrieving the (bagged) dildo from the box, I uncovered the fabric toy bag, instruction book and warranty card. The insertible length of 16cm and maximum girth of 14cm make this a less intimidating size than other monster dildos I’ve enjoyed. (If you are looking for much larger monsters, may I suggest you head over to my Big Shocked reviews.) Given my eyes upsize all of the website toys, I thought I’d be disappointed in use. Remember, I’m an aspiring size queen.

Do keep reading though. You’ll find out if it lived up to my website-browsing, or if it fell flat.

The Funzze Monster unpacked and on display.

When I’d selected this from the new arrivals page of the Funzze website my eyes greedily gobbled it up. I read 6.7″ and saw 10″, but what I noticed was the texture. Rather than the furrowed brow over sizing I found the patterns and ridges even more delightful to touch than I’d imagined. The protruding swirls up the sides, the vein like ridges along the convex underside of the shaft and sinewy-muscular shaping on the top. Yummy! Running my fingers along the ridges and raised bits, sensation tingled through me from my sensitive digits.

The pronounced textures and swirls of this dildo aid pleasure when used for Fuckery.

The silicone is shiny, slightly tacky. it is a dust/hair magnet! Due to the surface, and the fact on my first test run I hadn’t used enough lube, I struggled to insert initially. Realising my mistake quickly I lubed again, stimulated my inner walls as I had my fingers. As I thrust my labia were treated to the swirls up the sides, and inspired another test as a grinder. My clit particularly enjoyed being rocked into the veiny underside.

So impressed was I by the manageable size and weight, and the gorgeous texture, it took me a fair few goes to realise it swells in the middle. Seeing how much my pussy had enjoyed the textures, I wondered if the monster would be up for some arse fuckery?

Turns out it was!

As I alluded to at the start, I decided to enjoy the monster out in the wild; anal fuckery in the woods was on the cards.

Deciding it was a brilliant idea, and being actively encouraged, I plotted my adventure. Not only would I need to be private while out in the wild, I also needed to ensure I had all the right stuff. Acknowledging the texture might cling on to dirt, I packed a damp cloth along with my tub of lube and, of course, the Funzze Monster dildo.

It isn’t like the Funzze brand is synonymous with outdoor play, but if you read my other reviews you might not be so sure. And as it turns out, the Funzze Monster is very much at home in the woods. And it also feels quite at home in my arse – I found the textures to be quite exquisite anally. I enjoyed my first anal only orgasms in a long time! I would very much recommend it.

However, it was far from clean when removed. If you’re not a fan of cleaning up when things get messy then maybe use a condom. Or use a smooth toy. Or stay close to the bathroom.

Dirty toy, eh?

Yup, but toys always need a thorough clean so this is good for the review. While bodily fluids and waste products may clog up the textures, the shiny surface means it is so easy to clean. What’s more, it is 100% silicone. No battery, no charging ports, no motors. This means that you can boil, or throw in the dishwasher, or soak in a bleach solution to your hearts content!. Then it just needs to dry before storing in its special Funzze toy bag.

What about that suction cup?

As you can see in the header image, the suction cup is strong. It held up to vigorous use when attached to my wardrobe mirror. It stayed in place for a long time on the textured glass of my front door. I had considered leaving it there to scare off the cold callers, but decided against it as I’m ever hopeful of a politician to come a-knocking! (Oh, and there are a lot of children around here. They don’t need to learn about fuckery by seeing my Monster dildo on the door.)

I haven’t tried this out, but other, similar suction cup toys work well in my harnesses. I can’t see any reason why this one would be any different.

In the header image, this looks like just another droopy rubber cock. But I’d stuck it on the door upside down. It is in fact of medium rigidity and, as you can see below, has a nice, gentle upward curve. (GREAT for hitting the g-spot…)

Should you buy one?

I guess we should start with me. If I was on the look out for a textured Monster dildo, knowing what I know now, I would absolutely buy this. I love it. And having shared some of my adventures with a friend they also like the Monster. (Though perhaps it was my [self] fuckery they enjoyed?)

Do you like smooth toys? Prefer slimline or over-sized dildoes? Maybe you need vibrations, or want to use it with a fucking machine? Or perhaps you just don’t want to use anything that resembles a penis! If any of these are the case then the Monster probably isn’t the dildo for you.

However, if you like texture and enjoy (or are curious about) monster phallus dildoes, then I whole heartedly recommend this one. It isn’t Monster in size, but it brings so much sensation that I was not disappointed with it’s modest proportions. In fact, those smaller dimensions are something of a bonus. Given that it doesn’t take up masses of space I can fit it in my dinky bedside table drawers! It also cleans easily, whether that’s a quick hose down or a more thorough blitz.

At the time of publishing self fuckery with the 6’7″ Monster from Funzze costs $37.99. Free shipping starts at $59 so maybe peruse my other reviews, or check out their other offerings. There is a whole section dedicated to sex toys under $30! And don’t forget to use code BAREFOOT10 to receive 10% off your Funzze order.


  1. My thoughts are
    Wow .. ohh no not sure I want one. Tentative peaks.. umm maybe….ok it looks fun ..

  2. Wow! It is GORGEOUS. I appreciate your reviews. Having spent a ridiculous amount of money on sex toys in my lifetime, I’m always glad to see what someone else thinks of one before I purchase. XOXO

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