Actions And Reactions

Tell me about the picture above… What do you see? A leggy, latex clad woman who has tied herself up at an event? That would be a fair observation. This year February photo fest is about me and my invisible qualities, so there is more going on in this memory than you will see. This is a picture of me managing my reactions to the violent actions unfolding behind me.

I had never encountered an ultraviolence scene in real life before, and when I’ve stumbled across it in porn I’ve moved along swiftly. I don’t respond well to anger, in the real world or play times. And bratting (often roleplayed to enrage the top during Ultraviolent scenes) is a hard limit.

But on this evening at Twisted Boudoir a couple started doing their thing.

I wasn’t expecting it, and my reactions escalated faster than their actions. I wanted to run away, hide, go home. It would have been easy to do. But I was wearing latex. I’d need to get changed which would likely take longer than their scene.

And I was having an otherwise lovely night with friends.

The bar area was heaving, pushing through in my heightened state would have been hard. Harder than staying put.

My options were narrowed down to one. Not fight. Nor flight. Just freeze. As I was during the worst of my marriage.

Looking round I spotted the owner. He was intently watching the two experienced players enjoy their scene. Obviously managing his space, ensuring the safety of his clientele. I knew that he had security in mind, was confident that everything was consensual or he’d have been stepping in. I spotted a friend in a beanbag, grabbed my rope bag and sat down next to him. Saying something along the lines of “I’m struggling with the scene, I want to get into my happy place, see if I can manage get through these feelings”. As the violent play continued behind me I drew things tighter and tighter, made myself sweat, focussed on positive restrictions rather than the panicked constrictions of my heart.

I don’t use the word lightly, but the actions in the scene triggered reactions in me.

Put me in a difficult place emotionally. Fortunately I was far enough along in my healing to take note of my surroundings. I could ensure my safety, and face those fears head on. Bless him, my friend offered to go and tell the owner to stop the scene for me and my comfort, but that would have meant my pain retained its power. If I ever encounter a similar scene again, I’ll be less like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Maybe even be more comfortable with the intense style of play which is so at odds with my comfort zones.

Though I am aware that being beaten black and blue is way too much for many.

Perhaps, also, I’ll be in a better place to manage if I see violent actions in a real world setting, my reactions may well be tempered by play-environment experiences. I’ll never be ok with this kind of behaviour. But if I can stay present enough to either step in or call for support (without crying down the phone line) then that will be a big win!

Back to my theme, my invisible positives… Back along, after ending things with DrS, I saw a thing on Facebook, as we so often do.

It said “you’re only responsible for your actions, not other people’s reactions”.

This has stuck with me, and works both ways. I hate that things can crop up, trigger me, turn me into a weeping mess. But I’ve tried learning to understand my emotions, the feelings within my body. As a result I’ve been able to take other peoples behaviour much less personally. While it wouldn’t be right for everyone, my life is much less affected by experiences than if I avoided negative situations entirely. Facing my fears gives me opportunity for introspection, for growth. It’s never easy, but each baby step I take towards the life I want is a huge leap in the face of distress.

Thank you for joining me for February PhotoFest 2023. This is my fourth time joining the month long celebration of erotic and sensual photography. If you’re enjoying it please do go and check out the previous years: 2019 was an incomplete month. I skipped 2020 due to not blogging at the time but 2021 was a joy to plan and complete, in spite of lockdowns. 2022 was a little more relaxed behind the scenes, but jam packed with pictures and memories I love.