My chosen topic for 4Thoughts this week has been a surprise. Susie Mace has asked us to write on the subject “Exposed” You would be forgiven for thinking I would write about my exhibitionism, the scavenger hunt, my blogging life etc, etc. This was what I had initially intended. But then something happened, and I got grumpy. When this happens I like to understand what has caused the bad mood. And so I’ve decided that it is time for me to unpick this by exposing bad behaviour, and working out why I find it so abhorrent.
Before I start figuring all of this out, I feel the need to share some background.
As some of you will know I’m on a site called fabswingers. When I opened my new account I decided to make some changes to the way I approach my account. I have very little flesh in my images, (shocking, I know!) my profile is VERY direct and to the point, and I have my filters set fairly tight. Oh, and my block list is epic… but that is a whole other post! All of this means that I get less inappropriate numpties flooding my inbox.
But still they come!
Now, Sir, knowing that I feel the need to educate these wallies… so they can learn to be better… put a boundary in place for me. I am to “ignore any inappropriate behaviour”. I can honestly, hand on heart, say this is up there with the hardest parts of my submission. But, as time has passed, it becomes easier.
Now that is out of the way, let’s start exposing the bad behaviour…
My profile, as I’ve said, is very direct and to the point. I’m an owned submissive, and though I’m bi I have some wonderful men I’m looking forward to enjoying after lockdown. If I’m allowed! This means I’m only really looking to get to know women. Not couples, not single guys, just women. But still they come, and there is often upset (on the single guys parts) that they can’t fulfill what I am hoping to find.
I am always surprised at the number of Dominants who will message an owned submissive and try to get her attention. It is VERY clear that I am owned. It states it in big, bold letters across my profile. Mostly these seem to be men who enjoy dominance in the bedroom, not people invested in the lifestyle. I can, and do, ignore these. There is one who sends me a friend request every week or so. No message, just a request. There are others who just drop by and say what they would do to me. And then there are those who are respectful and say what a lucky man Sir is. (I thank them and remind them I’m the lucky one.)
I’m not a bitch. I will talk to most people, on equal terms.
If they are not rude or inappropriate, anyway. I don’t get offended by dick pics, or degrading language. I just… move along.
But last week a man describing himself as a Lifestyle Dominant asked me to message him if I fancied something different. His profile said that he had 20 years of experience, and was happy to engage in secret.
I was absolutely livid!
(Cool, calm, collected Barefoot does this occasionally!)
I can understand the vanilla men who just want to get their dicks wet. Offering to meet behind Sir’s back. Clearly they don’t get it and can be forgiven for their ignorance. (Blocked first, then forgiven.) But this man proclaims to be a lifestyle dominant. And here he was, sniffing around another man’s property.
I am pretty good at managing my boundaries, with friends as well as strangers. So in this case I respectfully invited him to read my profile, and once I’d seen he had I blocked him. I was disappointed in myself for not following Sirs rule. For giving a response to his inappropriate behaviour. I try so hard, but on this occasion one slipped through.
But what exactly was it that made me so cross?!
He was exposing himself with bad behaviour. But which part was so bad?
Well, he had completely disrespected me. Gone against my profile entirely. Ignored my wants and current situation. That, as was pointed out to me, was bad enough. But for some reason that kind of message just gets swept away. I generally just laugh, block, delete, move on. Like a dick pic, or a friend request with no conversation. They are inconsequential to me. The sender has not bothered looking at what I’m interested in so I don’t waste my energy. I’m pretty laid back about life in general, so internet strangers pose little problem there.
So if not that, what caused my grouchiness?
Over the coming days I reflected on the message; what had he said that had so wronged me? Why was it inexcusable?
This morning I was reviewing this old post. One of my early rules was not speaking to Dominants. Not because he didn’t trust me, but while we were getting to know each other it would be best without the distractions of others. They would try telling me their ways, potentially confusing the situation. Indeed, I did encounter a number of men at that time who wanted to lure me away, but I politely declined. This rule has since been removed, it’s obsolete. I have a number of Dominant men in my friendship circle. But we are friends, equals, and they would never try to gain power over me. Respecting me, Sir, our dynamic and the lifestyle in general.
And that, for me, is the crux of the issue.
This man says he is a lifestyle dominant. But if he were, where is his basic respect for the dynamics of others? Why isn’t he following the etiquette so commonly regarded by people in the scene?
But more than that his basic lack of understanding- if it is that simple.
What happened when he disrespected my relationship?
Well, it wasn’t just me that he slapped in the face.
It was Sir!
Now, I am fairly certain that he wouldn’t give two hoots about this kind of thing.
Water off a ducks back and all that. In the same way it is for me when pointed in my direction. But I’m fiercely protective of those I love… The most assertive version of me comes out to play! I have yet to master the control needed to just let it go. Certainly, in Sir’s case, neither he, nor our dynamic is at risk of harm from this blokes actions. My reaction is, as far as our dynamic goes, the only issue that really needs addressing.
When P started on the boys, this protective instinct is what gave me the strength to leave him. I took what he gave me, but they didn’t deserve that!
I’ve definitely not changed since 4 year old me threatened to beat up my big brothers bullies. (For the record, it worked. He was never picked on again!)
Perhaps it is time I started to grow up?
Or maybe this trait is something that I would like to hold on to…
With my newfound understanding of where the crabbiness comes from, I’m better placed to manage these kinds of scenarios in future. They will happen, of that I am certain. And hopefully next time I won’t miss the mark on Sir’s requirement that I ignore people like this.
I’m certainly curious as to what other people think on this subject.
How would you have reacted if you, or your submissive, received this kind of message? And what is the most disrespectful opening message that has landed in your inbox, on any platform?
Did you enjoy the post: Exposing bad behaviour? Perhaps you’ll enjoy another 4thoughts post: Trust your landmark and run through the smoke.