There have been thoughts buzzing away in my brain for quite some time now. Mental wanderings on submission, dominance and responsibility. It has been so long, and the words haven’t quite settled; until now. When I saw the current No True Way prompt it made my mind realise what exactly was going on in there. Sweeping statements generally make me a little bit grumpy, and this one is no exception. One of the bonuses of being miffed at things is that I get to sit back and ask myself “why?” Why would someone behave in a certain way? And why did this phrase, action or behaviour knock me for six? But why can’t I see it from the other point of view? Sitting with those questions is a great way for me to ponder what is important to me.
They also provide the opportunity to work out how I can continue to grow in that direction.
I’ve been following Brigit Delaney’s #submission365 over on twitter which is wonderful. The daily thoughts have really helped me reflect on submission, and what it means to me. It has also given me a starting point for unpicking my feelings around the prompt.
“The Dom is the responsible one.”
This idea ties in quite closely to something that I noted on twitter, maybe 6 months ago. A pinned tweet got my attention, and, you’ve guessed, right? It got my back up too.
“Submission appeals to responsible, hardworking and independent women because it takes them to a world free from responsibilities.”
I knew that what I should have thought was “oh, isn’t that sweet. He understands.” But what I really thought, behind my furrowed brow, was that while that may be true for some I didn’t feel that way, and I’m responsible, hardworking and independent. How dare he speak for me? Harrumph!
The specks of thought kept whizzing round my head, but they didn’t link up to make any sense. The answer to why I am feeling a little short over this tweet was probably because I felt like I was getting something wrong. So my next idea was to phone a friend. SWL completely gets the above saying. She and I are very different submissives, and I have always tried to show her that that is ok. That there is no right or wrong way to submit, so long as it works for you and your Dominant. (Just make sure you don’t brat me!) So, if she was right, and I was also right, there was nothing to fix?
All I had to do now was ruminate on submission, dominance, responsibility and me.
In scene or during tasks, even during my everyday, I want Sir to be happy. To be proud. And to be fulfilled. He has always encouraged my independence, increased my productivity and nurtured my ability to cope under pressure. He has also given me the space to fail play with my boundaries and limits. And we find them. Together. Even when we are physically apart. In my dynamic it feels very much like we are two sides of the same coin. I have spoken before about the symbiosis of our relationship. It is what keeps me choosing to be the best I can for him.
I keep my side of the coin shiny, and he does the same for his.
When we scene together he has everything under his control. He knows what is going to happen, how and when. I can’t speak for him, but from my own experience he takes this responsibility seriously. He wants us both (all) to have as positive an experience as possible. And while we both agree that BDSM should be fun, I also treat my side of the scene with respect. I want to make sure that I’m the best slut and pain monkey that I can be for him.
He puts a lot of time, care and planning into crafting my tasks. He supports me through the rollercoaster of completion. The fear of failure met with warm encouragement. Tears matched with gentle words. The genuine pleasure of a task well done. In return I do my best, I work hard, learn and grow. Partly because I know that he only has my best interests at heart, so wherever he is taking me it will be of some benefit to me. But mainly because I know it is important for him, and what I like most in this world is knowing that he is pleased.
I guess that’s one of my kinks?
So with scenes he is in complete control. With tasks he controls the end point but the journey there is my responsibility. In both scenarios we communicate. We both ask questions and answer honestly. He will want to know about my physical and emotional health; I may need clarity on certain plans, or will need to communicate pain levels or numb fingers. When something feels a little off in the scene or task we talk about it as soon as practical. We discuss, listen and apologise, if needed. Then he plots a way forward. I trust him to keep me safe. He trusts me to let him keep me do his job. We work together so that I can grow, and that growth pleases him.
My submission, his dominance, our responsibility.
With my thoughts clarified I can look back at the two comments -the prompt and the tweet- no longer feeling out of sorts. Do you think I am missing something in the equation? And are there any other broad statements that make you uncomfortable? I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.
I think that there are enough types of submission that no two couples need do the same thing. In other words, there is no right nor wrong way of doing it.
Exactly. And wouldn’t it be boring if we all did it the same way?
I find it interesting, picking apart my grumps though. Even more interesting to read the other posts, whose writers are on the same page as me. (Re. Responsibility.)
Submission is not a dogma. You can make your own rules and follow them. And I love that you are like two sides of a coin while keeping them shiny.
It seems to me that both of you take a responsible approach to your role. Hence the result.
You’re right Mary, this wouldn’t work for us any other way.