Am I an Exhibitionist?

When I saw the prompt for Kink of the Week was Exhibitionism I was really excited and got writing immediately. I have a finished post now, in my drafts folder. All about how my burgeoning exhibitionist has been encouraged along the way by Sir. And my love of risky public exposure and how I join in with the Scavenger hunt and started my own challenge- Tits Out Tor Bagging. But this is all well documented already, and reading back through the new words I didn’t feel like I was adding anything, especially when my understanding of my own kinks around exhibitionism have developed somewhat over the course of lockdown.

Perhaps the blog post title should be “I am an Exhibitionist!”

In May I returned to the naturist beach, this time with Sirs marks emblazoned across my body. (I can’t share the above photo for Scavenger Hunt due to the fact that it is frowned upon to wear clothes on a naturist beach) I don’t recall having such a liberating, naked experience, it was totally acceptable to be naked and with body writing. People smiling warmly, and happy to chat. (While maintaining social distancing of course!) Exposing myself in other ways on the beach, with an appreciative audience, made me buzz. I was on top of the world, and Sir noted that my confidence had shifted greatly over the last couple of years.

But this is just the start of a massive spell of change, growth.

Sir has always encouraged me with the words “You trust, I’ll keep you safe” and as ever, true to his word, he has tasked me with a variety of things over lockdown, taking responsibility for my social distancing needs. He has encouraged orgasm sharing with friends. How I achieve this was up to me, and with a little help from CC (she was my first) I discovered a love of zoom calls. But what was it about the video calls that excited me?

Initially I had been concerned that I wouldn’t be able to cum on camera. Luckily sir was on the case with an edging week. I was only allowed to orgasm for my task, though he had no idea how I was planning on doing this. When it came to the call CC and I got comfortable. She is equal parts voyeur and exhibitionist, and because we know each other so well I was able to relax and enjoy. Fifteen minutes and one very messy orgasm each and we signed off for the night.

What did I enjoy about the experience though?

I couldn’t put my finger on the why, but over the following months I have enjoyed repeating the experience with some of my other favourite ladies. There were also a number of requests from random strangers on fab, usually men asking me to “just watch me wank” and that leaves me cold.

I have learnt that I am not a voyeur. Watching someone isn’t interesting enough to get me off. I have been gently cuckqueaned and not enjoyed it. I have watched couples who enjoy having an audience and found it a bit of a turn off if anything. In my mind it didn’t make sense why I enjoyed the calls with my friends…

I now know that enjoying another’s pleasure is potent when I have the joy of inspiring that. The lovely ladies that I have shared video calls with I have, for the most part, enjoyed spending time with in person. I have generally been responsible for their orgasms on at least one occasion and have sensory recall of those moments. So, previous interaction and personal experiences are what makes this positive. But when I haven’t enjoyed them in the flesh the zoom experience is no less exciting. Why not?

Because the exhibitionist in me is giving them their own personal show.

I love looking up out of my own waves of pleasure and catching them watching me intently while they orgasm. This in itself will trigger another orgasm on my part.

I hadn’t realised that I was wired this way. Thinking my particular brand of exhibitionism stopped at risky public exposure. But it goes deeper than I ever imagined it could, and that is exciting.

I know that my love of being inspected by Sir ties into this, but the last time we were together I found it humiliating and deeply erotic to be instructed that I make myself orgasm while he used impact toys on me. There is a deep longing to share zoom calls with him, even if his screen is blanked out. Being able to hear his voice, the growing tension, the passion. To know that he is watching and enjoying.

Sadly, circumstances are such that this is unlikely. So I shall just have to keep imagining him sat there, watching and touching himself in response to my excitement. Indeed, there are tasks which have been made more achievable through his (imagined) presence sitting on the edge of my bed, or in a chair, or off to one side watching me in a mirror. Not touching me or talking, just watching intently. Dark eyes searing my flesh with his own lust.

That is enough to keep this exhibitionist sated for the time being.

Am I an Exhibitionist? was first published on A Leap of Faith.