Barefoot reclining by the river for your focus determines your reality

Your Focus Determines Your Reality

Barefoot reclining by the river for your focus determines your reality

Subbmission has taught me many things. One of the most important things that I have learnt is how your focus determines your reality. Tasks gave me a way of organising myself, and have increased my confidence that I can make the life that I would like for myself.

When I saw this weeks prompt for Kink of the Week I started to think about the way that lists are used in my world.

The first thing that sprang to mind is Bucket lists. I have a list of things I would like to achieve, goals and aspirations for my world. These tend to be longer term things to check off (career, running, home life) so that I can keep my focus and not lose track. A couple of years ago I was tasked with making plans for each of my goals and have started to slowly work through these. I wrote about the running related goal that I achieved last may. Now, the problem I have with ticking things off my list is that there is always something else I would like to do off the back of that success. So my Bucket List is only getting bigger!

To achieve these Bucket List goals I have had to create lists of smaller more achievable tasks to complete.

If the bucket lists are long term goals which focus on where I would like to be in 2,5 or even 10 years time, the lists of smaller, mini goals can be short term. Like lists for day-to-day life, or medium term, like a training plan for a big race next year. Sometimes, like this week, it is a list of tasks from Sir. Broken down into bite-size chunks so I can maintain focus and complete things to the best of my ability. It is through these task lists that I learnt to believe in my ability, that I would be able to finish what I start, even especially if circumstances are challenging. I’d like to think that I have become more organised through my submission, having that skill gently nurtured has been a real gift.

Certainly not something I expected to happen when I first peeked down the rabbit hole.

It’s fair to say that this voyage of discovery has been a creeping tide of wonder. I don’t tend to think about the past and how far I have come, or focus on the distant future and how far I have yet to go. It feels healthier to focus on the here and the now. However, while I was working on a long overdue task (sorting through my email inbox) I found an early email thread with Sir. It detailed some of his basic interests and my thoughts on them. At the time, looking at that list, there were no definite NOs. The ones that made me nervous but that I would try we discussed. It is easy to see why I was nervous about some of them, when you don’t understand fear plays a big part in shaping your expectations.

That list was discussed over five and a half years ago, and I can see that all of the items on the list have been moved to a like, with the exception of one “yes, I trust you, but wouldn’t let anyone else”. The way that Sir introduced me to things was safe and exciting. He started small, and I have grown with him, as well as independently.  I’ve used the the questions he asked me: Is it safe, and Do I want to? Those along with further guidance he shared long the way (another list) I have managed to avoid any serious mishaps. Sometimes due to luck, but mainly due to being aware of my own limits and boundaries.

Another lesson I have been able to transfer to my vanilla world.

Over time I have been able to play with some very interesting people. There are lots of different ways to discuss limits and expectations, especially in casual play partnerships. One that crops up time and again is the BDSM checklist. I did a little asking around, and this one was highly recommended by a number of people. It isn’t too far removed from the way that Sir asked me to grade his suggestions. It is far simpler than some of the ones I have seen. A list like this can be really useful for me to check in with what I enjoy. What I will or won’t do. However, I would struggle to be restricted by the experiences I have had previously. And I don’t choose to share my long list of likes and interests with anyone else in such a direct way.

For me my kinks are not a tick box exercise.

  • I may well be deeply submissive but only one man has ever been truly privy to that.
  • being whipped to orgasm is one of life’s great pleasures. But if I tell a potential play partner that I do they may expect to take me there, regardless of their skill level or our interaction.
  • I may enjoy tying but I like doing that for connection. If we don’t gel no amount of ticked boxes will make me want to wrap you in my rope hugs.

Easing into play relationships is my preference, open up slowly and build a list with that friend alone. Through open and honest communication, and gentle learning.  Rather than jump in all guns blazing. I don’t like to rush into anything.

No, my kink is fluid, and varies depending on the person or people I am with.

So… Lists. they have many roles in all aspects of my life. But it is only over the last few years that I have come to use them effectively. Some I find more useful than others, but they all have one thing in common.

If lists encourage the idea that your focus determines your reality then…

They help ME focus on what I want to achieve.


Scavenger Hunt Bronze

If you enjoyed Your focus determines your reality, check out another of my kink of the week posts: Memories are timeless treasures.


  1. It took me a long time to learn to use lists effectively too. It’s great to have something physical to look at when it comes to achieving goals, I don’t know where I’d be without them now.

  2. I agree that kinks aren’t a tickbox exercise, although I do have a fuckit list. They’re not for rushing through and ticking them off, we always plan anything new thoroughly and just because we’ve ticked it off it doesn’t mean we won’t be doing it again.

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