The Lockdown has provided me with plenty of food for thought.
In a world that is so busy I often find it challenging to find the time for myself. I have been enjoying the relative peace, and so I have also been finding the positives in the current situation. I have also been enjoying getting reacquainted with rope, tasks and kinky friends. A couple of these friends have set up an online munch group and it has been an absolute pleasure to get to know their wider circle. From independent coffee roasters to fungus identification, with a kinky bake off and a quiz… plenty to keep the extroverts happy and help the introverts among us from disappearing into a pile of books!
Earlier this week I got a message from one of the group members.
I knew her a little, as had spoken to her on the phone when she met a former play partner of mine. I have been enjoying her adventures on fetlife and was over the moon to discover she was in the group. Her academic brain was whirring following reading an article on feminism, and she wondered if I would mind answering some questions for her. Of course, I would be very happy to help. Though I don’t see myself as a feminist, and I was unsure if my answers would be helpful.
She was interested in my alternate view and sent me the questions:
1- Do you identify as a feminist?
2-What does feminism mean to you? How does feminism relate to you? What makes a feminist?
3-Does feminism transpire to your sexual life?
4-If so, how? Specifically do you think your feminism is still relevant and is expressed when you submit/bottom in a BDSM context? If so, how?
Social distancing has given me the time to mull over my thoughts in a new way, and I thought I would share them here.
Feminism is defined as the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes. Modern day feminism seems to be less about equality and more about man-bashing and smashing the patriarchy. Either that or it’s a chat up line used by men who think I was born yesterday. Neither of these is attractive to me.
So while I don’t see myself as a feminist by modern standards, perhaps my egalitarian views line up with the more traditional feminist meaning? In simple terms I believe that an egalitarian is “just” a kind and decent person who treats everyone equally.
As an egalitarian I believe that we all deserve equal rights, regardless of gender, abilities, race etc.
This is something I worked hard to promote when I worked in mental health, and I always try and help my friends and family see the world in a fair and balanced way. It is also important to me to remember gender inequality isn’t just females being the underdogs. There are many areas where men are now trailing behind the rights of women. Some examples are domestic violence, paternity rights, and sexual discrimination. The #metoo campaign was a feminist movement which left me deeply uncomfortable with the inequality. I know that sexual abuse and discrimination is awful, but with men being vilified for wolf whistling when it is perfectly ok for women to objectify men in the media. Nope, it can’t be one rule for one and another for everyone else.
I believe that this translates to my sex life on many different levels.
As a submissive I choose who to submit to. Actually that’s not entirely true, I don’t choose to submit to Sir, that’s just the only way it can be with Him. (My inability to submit to others is equally as decisive.) So I choose to hand over power to Sir. We have an open dialogue on likes and dislikes, and I always have the option to say No to tasks, and call an end or pause a scene through the use of safety protocols. Why don’t I? Simply put, I don’t want to say no, unless I have to. I want to please him and make him happy, to entertain and amuse. He respects my limits and boundaries, and more importantly he respects me. Am I lesser than Him? No. The imbalance of power does not devalue me in any way, in fact it builds my confidence and inner strength, so the rest of my world is brighter and I am stronger. I trust Him to keep me safe, and He trusts me to communicate my challenges and desires. I believe that a healthy D/s dynamic is a symbiotic relationship.
A Dominant and their submissive work best as a partnership, one without the other doesn’t work quite as well.
I have spent long spells being my own Sir, and the tasks I set are not nearly as fun, or challenging. And I never get the YES I need when playing orgasm denial games!
Within my friendships I am lucky to be able to top, tie or otherwise enjoy my shyly sadistic side. We are equals, I adore them. (I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do if I didn’t care) but they are only putting themselves into my games because they trust me and they WANT to see the smile on my face and hear the laughter bubble out of me.
When slut mode is engaged I have an itch that needs scratching. Whether that is tasks or personal gratification I use open and honest communication to ensure that everyone involved knows where they stand. Tasks will mean that Sir is in control of my outcomes, but as long as they are on board with his requirements there is equal pleasure all round.
As someone who loves men, but also someone who has come through domestic violence, mental health issues and rape I am proud to have the strength to follow through with my way of thinking. It would have been very easy for me to hand over total responsibility (and my equal rights) to the wrong (for me) Dominant. But the way that our style of power exchange works I am able to grow in confidence, motivation and unbridled joy, all in exchange for doing my best to please him in ways that are within my fixed boundaries. And if I choose to move those boundaries I know that He will be there with me, testing them with careful consideration.
This is a far cry from the more traditional “equal” but abusive relationships that many of us (of any gender) endure because that is how we feel it is meant to be.
So these are my thoughts. I wonder if I should wish for the end of Lockdown so that I can spend less time reflecting!
I wonder what others think? I’d love to find out.