I would say either B or Cornish Chick. They are two of the worlds most wonderful women and I am so pleased they found their way onto my life. My first two give-and-take friendships too, a learning curve for all of us I believe.
3. Do you think a relationship should be 50/50 all the time?
No relationship can be 50/50 all of the time. Whether that is friends, family, play partners and lovers, needs fluctuate. Overall I think there should be a balance of give and take, or it stops being healthy, but as I have learnt with the two lovely ladies I mentioned above (and many more wonderful people) you can ask for love and support as well as give it.
4. When was your most recent act of kindness? Was it appreciated?
On saturday I was in a race (my first ever trail event). The water station was absent for some reason and I had gone prepared with a bottle of drink…just in case. There was a lady who was struggling so I let her have some of my drink. She was very grateful.
5. Are you a good friend? Why or why not?
I hope I am a good friend. I certainly try. Though this is very much an ongoing lesson for me as most of my adult life I wasn’t allowed to have friendships of my own choosing and the ones that were permitted were P’s friends first and foremost, so I was mainly isolated.
6. What is something that you tried really hard to like but just couldn’t?
PRAWNS!!!! These are very much a hard limit. The taste, the texture, the smell, the way they wriggle around in the bowl, they way they look. Definitely enjoy watching them in the sea and in rockpools, but as soon as they are for human consumption… This was particularly difficult when I was a manager of counters in a supermarket. The fish counter was my favourite one to cover, but whenever I had to serve prawns I’m sure I would turn a delightful shade of GREEN.
Bonus: How was your month of July? Did you do anything fun, interesting, new?
July has been a great month for trying new things. Starting the month with a broken cane and a sad goodbye I haven’t played this month. I was very excited to be asked to take part in an interview by Posy Churchgate for her weekly “share our shizzle.” The children and end of term stuff has kept me busy, which is no surprise. I was able to start taking my boys climbing, but as I went to look round the climbing place and the owner asked if I would be joining them I heard Ps words slip out of my mouth “I’m not strong enough for climbing…”. Instantly I stopped myself and finished the sentence “…so I’ll give it a go!” This alone shows how far I have come in my confidence, and after almost 18 months of counselling I have decided to call it a day. My counsellor told me that my enthusiasm for life is infectious. And then I have completed my first trail event, and as I went along alone I had the pleasure of meeting a number of new people over a cup of tea afterwards. Of course coffee and cake were required after that…so I headed for the nearest town and found a new coffee shop. There have been so many new things this month, from shoes to toys, through to new events and experiences.
This is something I love about my new life.
I have the determination to experience new things, the confidence to get out on my own and some wonderful friends to tell all about it afterwards.
TMI Tuesday is one of my go-to weekly memes for the topics that come up. This week is no exception and has raised some interesting questions and some even more surprising answers.
1. What do you need to learn but won’t admit to?
I like to think that if I was aware of something I needed to learn I would admit to it and get started. There are a number of things I am working on at the moment, and other things that I would like to learn but now is not the time.
2. If you could erase one event from your life, which one would you choose? Briefly describe the event, tell us why you would erase it.
I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change anything. Life hasn’t always been easy but over the last few years I have come to like myself as the awesome woman who I am. As a believer in the butterfly effect, I wouldn’t want to risk missing out on the me that I am today.
3. Who drains your energy, and why do you let it happen?
My children are amazing, and I adore them and their mischief. They have been known to sap my energy though, when they are being particularly challenging. I let this happen because they are ten and four, and they are still learning. Patience when they are awake and tears when they go to bed. The consequences for them on exhibiting this behaviour with the other half of their parenting team don’t bear thinking about.
4. Do you practice ‘self-love’ or ‘self-loathing’?
I have replaced the active self loathing with self acceptance. I think the self-love is an extension of that. If I don’t like something I change it. Unless you mean self-love of the sexual kind, in which case I’m all over that!
5. What must you do daily to keep yourself ‘sane’?
I need to get outside into the fresh air. That can mean anything from a day spent out on the moor, or a cuppa in the garden if I’m ill.
Bonus: Who do you blame?
myself for my incessant curiosity…
Sir for my confidence…
the wonderful Angel666 over at SKorpion Rope for my first self tie…
my friend C for my burgeoning interest in latex…
CornishChick for unleashing my giggling sadist when she handed me a flogger after I tied up her play partner…
There is so much more for me to share for the journey of How I became the woman I am today, which is, after all, the purpose of the blog.
A barefoot girl on a bench, exposing her secret to those that dare to look.
I have been wanting to share this photo for a little while now, Dan took so many lovely pictures but I didn’t want to bore you with them. Then I read a girl on a bench by Hannah and took it as a sign that now is the time to post. I remember this photo being taken like it was yesterday. The camera clicked at just the right moment, as a breath of warm wind lifted the hem of my dress. My eyes are drawn to the soft arches as I sit barefoot in the sun. I wonder what catches your eye?
Click the lips to see what everyone else is doing this week:
Last week my time slipped away so this weeks #SOSS post is two weeks rolled into one.
This week saw Elust 108 being released. If you haven’t heard of Elust before go and have a look at their blog. Each month sex bloggers submit their favourite posts and these are compiled into a monthly edition of Elust. There are so many exciting posts to read.
I spotted the Godemiche birthday sale a couple of weeks ago and may have invested in some new equipment for my toy box; SO EXCITED!!! I enjoy their videos on YouTube and their recent addition “Beginners guide to Douching/enema” was a fact filled introduction. I’ve been cleansing for nearly four years now, with mixed success, and learnt some interesting new facts to do with the process. I think it is a definite must for all those new to, or nervous about, anal play.
Submiss34f is a wonderful place to while away an hour or so. I love her pictures, but also the humility with which she posts. B is for bar is the post I was originally going to share, a picture she took long ago and that she loves but can see flaws in. Then my week rolled over, and contemplation arrived in my reader. I couldn’t decide between the two so thought I would share both for the double. This is just the tip of the iceberg though…
Submissy often makes me smile, and this week was no exception. Fire and heat is such a candid view of her need, a window into her relationship with HisLordship. The way that I can cycle through intense need and desire is something I was discussing with a fellow submissive last week. He said how hard it is when, through no fault of theirs, that desire isn’t met by D side of the relationship.
A kinky autistic is a blog that popped up this week. My eldest son has a diagnosis of autism and sensory issues so, obviously, I was scanning WordPress for some ideas to help him out. It seems that reader is aware of my likes and sensory sensitivities, sex and SM was suggested for me. Now, this isn’t exactly what I was looking for, and not immediately relevant for a 10-year-old boy. But as always there is a crossover, and I was able to extract some interesting points for my child. She posted this back in May, but I only found it this week.
On paper it should have been something to look forward to, a time to cherish with my boys. P had told me, in no uncertain terms, that when I ended things with him I had ruined Christmas for him forever. With that in mind I would “need to have the children for the big day.” No big problem, you would think, but he had always made me feel like a failure at Christmas so any joy that I may have brought from my own childhood had been reduced to zero over our marriage. The confidence I had in making it a nice day for the boys was not high. Add to that his desperately sad Facebook post on Christmas day 2015, and my eldest spent the build up to the festivities worrying about his dad.
What about M? He would be around, surely?
The plan was that he would spend Christmas eve with his mum and the day with his dad, who had just lost his wife to cancer. Then he would hot foot it up the coast to spend Christmas night and boxing day with me and the boys. I was always excited to see him, and I knew the boys would wrap him up in festive fun. M was as enthusiastic about Christmas as I was, and when he called me one lunchtime with a strained voice I knew something was up. There was an offer to join a friend of his to deliver a yacht from Portugal to the uk. He didn’t know whether he should go, or if he needed to stay and fulfill his duties as son and boyfriend. I gave him my blessing, genuinely excited by this opportunity. A little jealous perhaps, but genuinely happy for his opportunity. Once he had built up the courage to talk to his family they were all happy for him too.
As the dutiful girlfriend I drove him and his friend to the airport, dropping them in the car park before heading on my way.
One message pinged through before I was 5 miles away:
Thank you for bringing me, and being so wonderfully you. I hope you are not too sad, show me your smile. xxx
To which I responded with a quick selfie, of me trying to smile with wet eyes. I had a few hours to kill so I went on a mini adventure of my own to a nearby seaside town where I could have a cuppa and a walk on the beach. Sitting down to a steaming brew after a long cold walk I opened my phone. First thing was a message:
My beautiful girl. 🙂 Fire alarms, airport evacuated, delayed flight. Off again now. I’ll let you know when I’m safely landed. I love you xxx
Then I tapped my Facebook app as I sipped the cup of brown liquid. M had updated his profile picture. There I was! The picture I had sent him just a couple of hours ago. That put a smile on my face.
Getting home, still smiling and feeling loved, I collected the boys.
They had been with P, for their first Christmas. Hyped up, full of sugar and singing daddy’s praises I got them to bed. Two more days to the big day and they were only going to get more excitable, as children do! By Christmas eve I was feeling overwhelmed. Getting them to bed on the night before christmas was such a challenge. Then I had to organise the presents and by the time midnight slipped past I was in floods of tears. Dreading the noise and excitement of the following day, missing M, just wanting a cuddle… And to top it all off I had burnt my red cabbage trying to get ahead of the game! A game I didn’t want to play, but that I felt it was expected of me.
Surrounded by wrapping paper and piles of gifts my phone suddenly began to ring.
Through the tears and the snot I answered the phone. He was just pulling in to harbour where the two of them would be resting and collecting the third sailor for the long stretch home. He missed me and wanted to say hello as he knew how hard I would be finding the preparations. We chatted about the boat and his crew mate as well as how his journey was going so far. With his voice in my heart I slept well and woke to the excited voices of two little boys who had received a visit from father Christmas.
The day was as difficult as I had expected.
Excited children and my grumpy mum. My home filled up with my brother and his family mid-afternoon, just when all I wanted was to shut the doors and regain some calm again. More food, more gifts, more excited children. And one more phone call from M, who had spent the day trying to cook a roast dinner as they sailed across the bay of Biscay. Now they were all sat on the deck eating together, and he was in range of masts so could talk to me and the boys. Somehow that grounded me enough to get through the rest of the day until, with the boys in bed and the dishes done I was able to sit down quietly and chill out. Stretching out on the sofa I flicked on the Christmas news and saw that George Michael had died. This was all the encouragement I needed to let out the tears which I had been holding back all day.
I would like to be able to understand my son. He lives in his own magic world and sometimes I find things are lost in translation.
What is going right in my life?
A lot of things are going right at the moment. I’m getting the support I need for my son, not just from the school but healthcare professionals as well. The steps I am taking steps finding the right home for my little family seem to be in the right direction. I discovered today that I have passed my module and so I am one year closer to achieving my study aspirations.
What am I most grateful for? List 10 things.
An ability to learn.
My wonderful friends.
Sir and his ongoing tasks.
My desire to keep going…
The weather. Whatever it is I love it.
When did I experience joy this week?
When I collected my boys after their weekend away. Those hugs are always full of joy.
List a small victory/success?
I took my boys to a bouldering gym today. I had originally thought I would sit and watch them doing their thing in the kids club because I don’t have the strength to climb. Well, I decided that I would give it a go. The old me who had no confidence would have stopped there but…. Not the new me. And I surprised myself, hugely!
What is bothering me & why?
I am very lucky to have a wonderful group of close friends, and a fantastic set of friends who are less close but no less important. It is the people who sit on the edges and pretend to be friendly but are in fact unpleasant to be around. That is what bothers me. And they bother me because I can’t do anything about them. I don’t bitch or moan or gossip, but they do. I have always been a fan of the saying Keep your side of the street clean. It has got me through a lot of moments where I wanted to air my dirty laundry. But, grrrrrr…..it is so frustrating!
What are my priorities at the moment?
My number one priority is to keep my children safe and well. This includes finding a home which is right rather than a home which is just almost there. Continuing with my study and ongoing tasks rank right up there as well.
What do I love about my self?
I love the way that I am soft edges and yet firm in my approach. I am honest, caring and loving, but I don’t suffer fools gladly. Tenacity and a competitive spirit, which means I will keep going until I figure it out (whatever it is) to the best of my ability. I love that I am always learning, and this is such an important skill for me in all areas of my life. Also my eyes. I love my eyes.
Who means the world to me & why?
My children, because there is no-one else who would be able to drive me to distraction and yet give me a squidgy cuddle and the whole troubling situation is set to rights! I love them unconditionally.
I have 7 people in my most close group. They are who I call my 3am friends. Have you ever had one of those nights where the darkness is all-consuming? Since having these friends I have never needed to make that call, but I know they are there, as I am for them. This isn’t the only reason I love each and every one of them, but they know I adore them.
Sir… Sir has given me so much. For such a long time he was the candle that illuminated my world, even when he wasn’t in contact. Now he has given me the candle and I can light my own world while he is unable to do that for me. I look forward to the time I can hand it back to him. Not because I am unable to hold it for myself, but because I love the way that I can brighten his world better with both hands free.
If I could share one message with the world, what would it be?
Honesty is the best policy.
What advice would I give to my younger self?
Trust your intuition.
What lesson did I learn this week?.
If you don’t try you won’t know if you can. If you do try you may surprise yourself!
If I had all the time in the world, what would I do first?
Go for a swim in the sea.
Whats draining my energy?
Running over 20 miles a week and not fuelling up properly.
What does my ideal morning look like?
Ahhh, the boys would get ready to go when they are asked. And I would not have to stand on my doorstep waiting for them rather than losing my temper.
What does my ideal day look like?
Fresh air, open spaces and smiling children (just mine, my ideal day does not include looking after other people’s children!) It is likely there would be a picnic too, one that the boys helped me to make. Then two tired boys in bed on time so I can relax with some smut.
What makes me come alive?
Swimming in the cold sea, or spending time in wide open spaces.
What/who inspires me the most?
My children, Sir and the woman I used-to-be all inspire me to be the best I can be.
What is something I’ve always wanted but too scared to get?
The fear of not being good enough has stopped me from training for and entering a marathon and triathlon. I have a plan for the marathon, and this is tied up with a task. And I have plans afoot for tri training once I am safely through the marathon.
What is something I would love to learn?
Where would I want to live my ideal life?
I haven’t seen enough of the world to answer this one, but I know that I have never felt I have roots anywhere. Germany, Belgium, Holland and Denmark are all places that intrigue me, but that is just where I am wondering about recently.
Where would I like to travel in the next 5 years?
As above, I feel drawn to Germany, Holland, Belgium and Denmark. Really though, anywhere that I can find a cheap flight and accommodation which fits in with my children.
What can I do to take better care of myself?
I can get more sleep. I would also like to eat better.
What hobbies would I like to try?
Triathlon, boxing, wing walking (is that really a hobby?)
When have I done something that I thought I couldn’t do?
Most recently I completed two climbs at the bouldering gym, but before I went along I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete half of the easiest one. Over the last 4 years my world has been made up of achieving things I didn’t believe I could do. It is amazing what you can achieve when you have the right mindset, or the right person to teach you how to sail through the fog.
At the end of my life, what do I want my legacy to be?
I want people to see me as someone who had a lot of love to give out. That I was a tenacious achiever who began life as a starter and flourished as a completer. Also that I was a kind person who raised wonderful children and inspired them to be the best they can be.
The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #109? Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
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Caught lapping up my ice cream on a family day out.
As I’ve mentioned before if I were an ice cream I would be Lemon Meringue. To all intents and purposes it looks vanilla, but wrapped up inside is a beautiful collection of different layers and textures. As Nijntje rightly points out there is nothing wrong with vanilla, but I do like to feel the mischief bubbling away inside while I am attending vanilla settings with family and friends. Lapping away at my lemon meringue ice cream brought certain thoughts to mind while the boys and I watched the floats, majorettes and marching bands travel past.
Click the lips to see what other people are sharing for Sinful sunday.
This time last year I was very unwell. The darkness was almost overwhelming.
I was struggling with my depression and every day I was worried that I would lose the fight. While I picked my way through the dark times that had led me to that point (with professional support) I had the boys as a shining light to guide me back through the darkness. Mindfulness was something that wouldn’t work for me, but the Moors were a place that I could go and feel Small.
And if I was small in this vast landscape then my problems were not that big either.
If the problems weren’t big then I could get past them.
November came, with my birthday, and I reached the lowest point ever. The boys weren’t enough… I just wanted to sleep, to give up. My GP told me to go to the moor, just for a short walk, knowing it would do me good as it was one of my coping strategies. I vaguely remember arriving at Buckland beacon and sitting down on top for a rest and to take it all in, maybe do a little self tie, which often proved helpful.
It was too much.
I don’t remember how I got home, or into bed, but had I not had some rope belonging to a friend in my bag I wouldn’t have made it down safely. How could I ruin her relationship with rope? I shall be forever grateful to her for being relaxed about me returning those hanks of blood red jute-y goodness late.
As you will probably have gathered from my tor bagging adventures I spend a lot of time on the moors, but I had been actively avoiding this spot. That isn’t a hard task when you think how much space there is to roam free. On monday I was brave and ran up there, bagging another tor, well, more specifically a point of interest, for the collection.
The association is gone.
What a difference 8 months makes.
It doesn’t quite fit with where I have got to in my story, but I wanted to share this now as I was so proud of my achievement, but also I want to inspire hope. Darkness is so very difficult, but it can be overcome.
It is that time of the week where the TMI Tuesday questions are calling to be answered, so here I go…
1. What is the most marvelous thing you have ever seen?
Four years ago my youngest son was very unwell, at one point we didn’t think he would make it home. Not six hours after his lowest point his big brother turned up to visit him in hospital. The sick little toddler in his hospital crib immediately stood up and started babbling away to his superhero. The love that those two have for each other is phenomenal, and is the most marvellous thing I have ever seen.
2. Are you a starter or a finisher?
I would always have considered myself a starter. I get so many great ideas that I get started with, but often seemed to lose focus. Tasks from Sir have changed this, I have become a consummate finisher. Tenacious in my desire to finish what I start. He has given me the gift of focus.
3. When did your heart last ‘skip a beat’? Why?
Yesterday I was on Dartmoor for a quick run, and I stopped to bag a tor. Once I had put myself away again I looked around and the view from my position took my breath away. I wish my photographic skills could show you just how wonderful the view was. Vast open spaces regularly make my heart ‘skip a beat’.
4. What does your perfect day look like?
I have so many options for this, but some quiet time in a wide open space, happy children, great food and wonderful company would all be high up there. A spanking?? Oh, yes please! And some contact from Sir before I go to sleep.
5. What would you call your autobiography?
A million little leaps.
Ideas on a postcard please.
Bonus: How does it feel to be photographed?
Four years ago this was incredibly hard. There are very few pictures of me before then. 15 years ago I told my wedding guests off for constantly wanting to take my photo, and the emotional abuse that I endured with P the desire to be captured on camera only decreased. With the arrival of Sir in my life came tasks that encouraged me to be more comfortable in my own body, including sharing my pictures with him. Since then I have discovered I can take an ok selfie, and even had a risky shoot with a local photographer. Still not too comfortable in front of the camera with my clothes on, but I guess that is the problem with being confident in my own skin?
Starting the week with some exciting (for Sir) but sad (for me) news, realising something so glaringly obvious that I can’t believe it took four years to understand and running more miles than I have clocked in a number of years, all in an effort to make sense of it all. Throughout the week I have been pleased with myself for reaching out to my friends, but sometimes quiet contemplation and curling up with a blog post or two has been wonderful as well. I love briefly slipping into other people’s worlds, whether they are writing fantasy or reality, or sharing pictures.
With that in mind, here are my top posts for the week.
A fraud, from Marie Rebelle didn’t make me smile, not in the traditional sense anyway. It served to remind me that even the people who appear to have it all under wraps often don’t. I have included her here because her words had a profound effect on my week, even though my sadness came from a different place.
Scanderella is another new find for me this week. A surprise attack brought me back to my senses after spotting it in a tweet, so much love (should that be lust???) for this piece. But seriously, her writing is so steamy I even found her review for a penis masturbator had me drooling.
I have been following Photo Stephi for quite some time now. The pictures that are shared there are so tasteful and elegant. Not smutty at all, which is slightly out of line with my usual preferences, but they are so, so beautiful, and this week they have been incredibly busy adding new collections that have caught my eye I couldn’t help myself anymore.
Suffice to say, he broke my cane! In a most unconventional way…. More on that story when I catch up to last week in my timeline of tales, but for now I hope you enjoy the sneaky peek. I had a some messages after posting this last week, and I wanted to share that I have found that I love myself, and my many kinks. The heat of these welts and the intensity as He burnt them into my skin while dripping his cool sweat onto my singing flesh.
A wide open wonder land, I am always astounded by the beauty of Dartmoor.
In the spirit of achieving my Tits out tor bagging challenge I took advantage of the good weather on monday and ticked another five points of interest off of the list. Haytor is a particularly popular spot on the moor, and the surrounding countryside was quite busy. I’m glad I did this one before the holiday makers all arrive in a couple of weeks!
I had intended to share them for #Boobday but have just noticed the time. That’s what happens when you sit around chattering to a good friend over dinner. As I haven’t gone to bed yet I am still going to count it as friday, and share away. And a second post for my scavenger hunt.