I want to say I miss you…but it wouldn’t change anything so I’ll just keep pretending I don’t.

pexels-photo-587063.jpeg

Not long after we met with the couple Sir had some news for me.

He would be working overseas for a few months, flying out a few days later and he would be unable to be in contact. This wasn’t a surprise to me, we had discussed his unpredictable work patterns and I was prepared. He lifted all restrictions on me and I was free to do my own thing if I chose to, or had time. With Christmas fast approaching it was unlikely I would have time to meet for a few weeks at least, but I was able to chat and make connections, fuelling my libido in his absence.

There seems to be a never-ending supply of interesting people to talk to online

This was the first time I fully immersed myself in the hook-up site I had joined earlier in the year. There was never a shortage of men who wanted to tell me what they were going to do to me. The ones who wanted to kiss me all over and lick me for hours were the worst for me; over the years I have had some curious (and fairly extreme) approaches but that particular scenario made me feel sick. And worse, the men offering such an experience would generally get angry when I turned them down.

Five weeks later I had a pleasant surprise in my inbox.

He was travelling and was able to send a quick hello, filling me in with his movements. He was due to return to the country a couple of weeks later and would be off again after a few days. I had the dates in my diary and things went to plan. As quickly as he had returned he was gone again, but a bonus meeting in the middle of this first long stint abroad was enough to make me feel special. He was expecting to be away for another month or so, and I was ready. I lived in hope that it would be less but, although the time wasn’t less, with my home-life in turmoil he was back before I knew it.

We were back in contact for a week or so, chatting about this and that…

How had I been? What had I been up to in his absence? Had I had any meets? What was happening in my marriage? My restrictions were back in place now that he had returned, and my tasks too. Body writing, video diaries, gaining confidence around women with an aim to playing further. We were in the process of coordinating our diaries when all of a sudden nothing…

Sir had vanished…

I hadn’t wanted to disturb him, using the logic that he would get in contact when it was convenient. But it was so painful. I thought I must have done something wrong, upset him somehow, that he was punishing me. About ten days after I last heard from him I sent an email putting words to my thoughts and detailing the one thing that I felt I may have done requiring this treatment. I had been chatting to Dommes, and though my restriction was no contact with male Doms maybe I had misunderstood?

Radio silence

Part of me felt naive and stupid for believing that I could be this man’s treasured possession, he seemed to have it all together and my life was just chaos. Another part of me felt that this was what I deserved, a fair punishment for whatever I had done wrong, though I knew not what that was. But the main idea that I had was that I wasn’t good enough for him and he had just got bored with trying to make me a better submissive. This tied in very nicely with the negative conditioning of my marriage and, with hindsight, it is easy to see why I felt like this. I searched google and found some interesting articles on Disappearing Dominants. Nothing really matched our dynamic but it did at least provide me with some answers that weren’t all based on my lack of self-worth so I was able to limit the self-torture that I had been so skilled at for so long within my marriage.

With a conscious effort I was able to continue building my life in the way I had begun.

He had always been so careful with my emotional well-being, surely he wouldn’t just cut and run? Maybe he had died? I couldn’t dwell though, and while I did miss him there was nothing I could do about that so I plodded on. I felt like an important part of me had been taken but time marched on and I had a husband to remove from my home, a house to sell, children to raise and a life to reconstruct.

I often wondered about him though….

pexels-photo-758794.jpeg

4 thoughts on “I want to say I miss you…but it wouldn’t change anything so I’ll just keep pretending I don’t.

Add yours

    1. The only word to describe that period is horrid. It really did give my internal demons some ammunition.
      But I did hear from him. He is very much alive and kicking. 😊

Leave a Reply

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: