I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t plagued by a thirst for knowledge.
I have never seen this as a negative, it is a good thing to be constantly learning after all. In fact, my tutor recently complimented me on my “intellectual curiosity“. I have occasionally been called nosy, but the questions come from a place of interest rather than wanting to gossip. If you have a secret you need to get off your chest I’m the girl for you, not only do I like learning new things, but I won’t judge and I love knowing things other people don’t so it will go no further. People are endlessly fascinating and I love learning as much as I can about all of those who enter my world, especially the important ones! Yes, my curiosity is strong and I am proud of it.
So what on earth was I doing, working hard to please a man who, in his own words, I would get to know very slowly.
A man who enjoyed his air of mystery and used it as a powerful tool in his toy bag. I am so pleased that he told me this early on, it gave me the freedom to just give in to his psychological dominance. If questions go unanswered I have a tendency to try to work out the answer, and this can drive me crazy, so had I not understood his way of doing things it is highly likely I would have struggled and become quite anxious. The way he explained it all to me gave me the peace of mind and security that my not knowing wasn’t because I had done something wrong. (He reassured me that if I ever did anything to annoy him he would tell me) Don’t misunderstand me, if I had an important question I would know the answer as soon as he could tell me; he was my educator and my protector. But there was a distinct difference between what I needed to know and what I wanted to know. Knowledge is power after all.
Submitting in this way allowed my busy brain to calm, just a little.
It also drove me to distraction! It still does. In the best possible way.
The connection between my brain not getting the information it wanted lit pathways of desire which snaked from my frustrated brain to my apex, stoking the fires he had set ablaze. He had always encouraged me to imagine all of the possibilities, an amazing way of intensifying sensations when enjoying my personal playtime or completing tasks such as having orgasms in densely populated areas. Sometimes, as I lay in the darkness next to P, I would imagine my delicious Dominant emerging from the shadows as he entered our bedroom, using me and leaving again. Those were the best nights.
Even without P in my bed those are still the best nights….
During the weeks following our initial meeting he asked me to find alternatives to hotels. He was ill, so unable to meet with me, but as he would be moving into work accommodation and I was living in my marital home there needed to be safe spaces which we could use; making use of my curious brain he set me to work finding places which would work for our requirements. I got busy and worked hard. It was an eye opener, how many different options there were. I forwarded details to him as I had ideas and found places. I enjoyed the way he channelled me, even then.
It soon became apparent that he found my curiosity amusing.
I would be given tit bits of information, clues and red herrings. Never enough to let me get the full picture, just enough to send me into a spin. Like giving me 7 random numbers of a 500 number dot to dot. I would try to work out the rest of the picture, but to no avail. I would tie myself up in knots, trying to figure things out, and then I would have a chuckle at myself for doing exactly that. It was the kind of chuckle that was accompanied by a frustrated groan, because even if I was hitting the mark with my guesses I wouldn’t know until he was ready to tell me. When he eventually told me his line of work I was so annoyed with myself… I had decided on a dozen different careers and, even though some were fairly close, none of them were right. And looking back at the clues he had given me it would not have been unreasonable for me to have got it right!
With great knowledge comes great responsibility.
It was lovely to be able to unburden myself of just a little responsibility through my submission to him, and not being allowed to know everything. When I had first decided to look for a dominant I had no idea that it would be this way. I had imagined the kinky sex, oh yes…I had definitely imagined that…and surrendering through that outlet, but never had I imagined this journey. I will be forever grateful that I chose that time to search google. A week either side and I may have missed out on this wonderful, dark and deviant soul who not only wanted to nurture me but also tease my mind for his (and perhaps by accident my own) entertainment.