By asking him to consider me for his next submissive I had taken that first step onto a staircase which I couldn’t possibly see all of. I had put my faith in him, trusting him from the outset, no doubt in my mind that I was on my way somewhere. At this point I had very little trust in anyone, and this man…. I can’t even begin to explain how I felt.
It felt so alien, but so right.
His response…received swiftly… made my heart race. Again! In fact reading it back today, while writing this entry, has the same effect on me. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, even the difficult things, and his words were all I had hoped they would be. He made it seem so easy, to be genuine and try very hard. Both of those things are in me naturally, and he was a wave of calm, lapping at my shoreline, encouraging the natural part of me to emerge. He had already asked me to call him Sir, and, to this day, it is all I can call him. In a world where nothing else made sense I knew I was finally on the right path.
“You trust, I keep you safe”
He was open in telling me he had found me on Facebook after my initial contact and he already knew a little about me, but that he wanted to know more. He explained that he would be setting me tasks, to help him gain more of an understanding of me and to help me to start to give myself over to him. He started gently: a picture of me that was just for him, and a full breakdown of my marriage and what was happening there. When I talked through what was happening in my marriage I could not allow myself to see all of what was going on, I had shielded myself from the worst so that I could get through the days. It is only being 3+ years out, and with lots of professional support over the last 12 months, that I have been able to remember and unpick these events. The picture was me fully clothed, in a skirt! You may have guessed, with the love of mud and being a natural tomboy skirts were low down in my choice. Soon that was to change, he asked me to wear skirts with bare legs whenever it was possible (one of my roles at work was an allotment project…I was allowed to wear trousers there…) There were more questions, I responded well to his words and was always happy to give him as much as he asked for while also aiming for above and beyond. This was new to me, my family have always said that with me:
Still waters run deep
I only ever shared what I needed to with them. Now though, Sir had opened the flood gates and it was all coming out. I didn’t want to seem too enthusiastic, and as I was thinking that my next email should ask about contact (how much is enough, how much is too much) my notifications pinged, and it was him, in my head already! He instructed me to get in contact daily, as he would usually have something for me to do. I was safe to share, I never felt judged or daft, and I trusted that he would tell me if I became too much. I had no experience of submitting, but there was no other way for me to be with him. I loved the body writing task which came next. As I opened my mind to him my body wanted to follow. Geographically distant, and still early days in his consideration, he asked me to write on myself For Sir. It felt like he was on me, touching me… A physical connection to go with the emotional one that I felt. With the tasks I felt like a new woman, I would smile more, laugh a little and even dare to be happy.
My secret wasn’t quite so secret anymore, and I trusted Sir to keep me and my secret safe.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
This quote found it’s way into my email inbox last weekend (Dankie x) and it is so fitting, because it is this point in time where I learnt to do just that. With chaos reigning supreme in my home life, I was able to find little moments of calm and utter joy. Whether that is when I was writing on myself in white board marker (handy hint: these can be removed quickly with baby wipes as the need arises!) or enjoying a moment of fun with my boys.
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase was first published on A Leap of Faith